Why We Left Mormonism

WHY SHOULD A MORMON BOTHER TO PRAY?

2006-09-06T00:56:00.000+01:00

I have considered writing my thoughts and feelings regarding the LDS faith for a very long time. After I stumbled across this web page I have felt an overwhelming desire to put my feelings down on paper. So I have decided to follow the feeling, maybe more to organize my own thoughts than anything else, but I also believe it is important for others who are considering the decision to leave the LDS church to know that they are not alone.

I guess it is important to give a little history of myself. I am 25 years old, I am a multi-generational Mormon. I served a 2 year mission, I served in the mission office as an assistant to the president, I was married in the Salt Lake temple, I am still married. I have held numerous church callings throughout my life, and until recently always paid a full tithing. This is not to say that I have always been a "perfect child". I went through a "phase" as a teenager where I had severe questions as to the reality of God. I questioned all authority. For a short time in high school I would have even described myself as an atheist.

Then I met my current wife. In typical Mormon girl fashion she notified me after a year or so of serious dating, that I had to either straighten up or ship out. She needed to be married in the temple, and if I wasn't going to live my life worthy to go there with her she needed to move on to greener pastures. Well we had a fight over this issue because I was upset that she could not just love me for who I was.

After we fought that night I had what I would still consider to be a spiritual experience. She was sitting in my truck crying as I drove her home, and I looked over at her and something hit me, I just had the overwhelming feeling that I was throwing away the best thing that had ever happened to me. By the time we arrived at her house I had decided that I would give her way a try rather than lose her, but I gave her no guarantees. At this time I was drinking quite heavily and smoking cigarettes. (She never had done any of the above, and it is amazing to me that we ever fell in love, but that is another story!)

Well, not surprisingly, as soon as I started going to church and getting more involved with learning more about the "gospel" I felt an acceptance from her family and from my own that I had not felt for a very long time. This felt good, suddenly my parents trusted me again! (All because I attended church.) And her aunt and uncle and grandparents embraced me. I was accepted! Wow, suddenly all these people liked me. I was part of the norm. My partying friends still stuck by me, but thought I was very delusional. I began to pay tithing, and lived the gospel to the best of my ability. Things were going great. I was reading "church approved" books, and was very naive in not even considering any other alternative at this time. I went and got my patriarchal blessing, which is pretty much a fortune telling session.

But the blessing was a very moving experience, I was an 18 year old kid searching for answers and meaning, and this blessing promised how successful I would be on the condition that I remained faithful to "the church". It was that very night that I decided I had to serve a mission. I wanted to marry my then girlfriend but felt that I would be cheating God if I did not first serve a mission. I did not feel that I deserved the blessing of temple marriage unless I could first prove my devotion to God.

The next thing I know I was sitting in the MTC. I remember thinking that I would not last a single day on a mission because I may slip up and swear. I was also naive in thinking that very small sins would get one sent home from their mission. (I was way off base there!) Anyway, my mission was overall a very positive experience. The only thing I really regret was not knowing more about the church before I left.

I do not feel like I "wasted" two years because I learned a great deal about sales and marketing, and interacting with others, and teaching. I guess I also regret being in the position of "returned missionary" in SLC because it makes it even more difficult to express how I feel about the church now. There is a much higher expectation placed on me now than if I had never served a mission. This is unfortunate in a way because it makes it very difficult to make an honest decision.

The main reason I am grateful for having served a mission is that it made me question what I believed. I sincerely believe that without this experience I may never have looked deeper into church doctrines. I want to relate a pivotal experience for me, this is the experience that I feel caused me to begin to question what I really believed.

My companion and I had been teaching a black man the lessons. He happened to be married to a white LDS woman. We had an extremely good relationship with him. Some of my fondest teaching experiences are from working with John. We were almost through the 6 discussions and things were right on track. He was "golden".

Well one day we showed up to teach John and the mood was quite different. He was laughing and joking as usual but things seemed strained. John said that he had spoken with his mother about the church and that she had told him something ridiculous about the church.

He was laughing like he could not even believe what she had told him. Well after a little prodding he came out and said that his mother had informed him that the church had not allowed blacks to hold the priesthood until 1978. He burst out laughing, waiting for us to join in I'm sure. Then he must have seen the serious expressions on our faces.

He stopped and asked if that wasn't the most ridiculous thing we had ever heard. Then we dropped the bomb and told him that this was indeed true. He began to cry out of anger and rage. "When were you planning to mention this???" He asked. That phrase is still burned in my mind. Then he shouted "I will never join a church that has been racist!" and left his own home in tears and we were left sitting on his couch with his now hysterical wife.

My companion seemed to simply write it off by saying that John did not have the spirit or was unwilling to soften his heart to the spirit. I could not deal with this so easily. I asked myself over and over: When was I planning to mention this important bit of information to him?? After he was baptized?? After he had devoted 10% of his income for a few years?? After he had gone through the temple and made serious commitments to the church?? He was certainly never going to hear about it at church.

We had no plan to ever discuss this doctrine with him. Then I pondered the question, if I were a black person, would I accept this gospel?? Would I worship a God who was racist?? Would I worship a God who "punished" or "cursed" people with "skins of darkness"??? It was certainly an easy doctrine to accept if you were white. But I had never considered it from an alternative perspective.

I talked to my mission president and accepted his explanation. I don't even recall exactly what it was, something to do with "Gods ways are not the ways of man" and that "after I died these things would be made clear to me."
I went on with my mission, this question buried in the back of my mind. After all there are members of the church who are black.

They must be able to deal with it some how, and I was sure I would understand at some point. Well as time went on I must say that I became very proud of my abilities to teach the gospel and to use the Bible against the Protestants in the area. (I served in Indiana) I had a sure testimony of the gospel. I felt that the gospel was bullet proof.

Nothing could affect my testimony because I KNEW it was true. I read church books constantly, I truly devoured information about the gospel. I even ended up needing glasses because my eyes became so tired from constant reading! I would wake up an hour early just so I could get more personal study time. I loved learning about the church.

Well at one point we had an investigator who had been given a copy of the infamous "God Makers" book by a friend. I recommended that she let me read it first so that I would be able to show her the errors of the book as she read it. ( I was not afraid to let anyone read anything about the church because I KNEW it was true and I was confident that I could confound any attempts to disprove the church!)

I stayed up all night long reading this book, I was shocked, I had never read literature written against the church. Some of the ideas in that book really hit home! I was scared. Had I been deceived??? I was in tears, I was ready to call my father and ask him to let me come home.
I prayed and prayed for a testimony to know that this book was not true. Nothing came. But the next day I visited a member who had an extensive library of church books and borrowed the book "The Truth About the God Makers" This book pointed out many of the obvious errors in the original book. And I had also realized that many of the things written in the "God Makers" were just outright lies.

This immediately turned me off to the book because it was easy to discount the entire book if they were willing to promote lies. But it did plant some seeds of doubt. And I began to read more about controversial subjects from "church approved" books.
I spent the rest of my mission doubting the gospel. I kept this hidden, except for in occasional interviews with my mission president I considered him to be a great man, and I still do. And when he told me that someday I would understand, I believed him. I wanted to believe, after all I had many spiritual experiences. I had felt the spirit. So these nagging doubts were just a test of my faith. I was certain that I would make it through this with my testimony still in tact. So I continued on with my mission. Trying to avoid phrases like "I know this church is true" to keep my integrity.

Well I made it through the full 2 years, and consider my mission a success, if only an outward success. I "converted" people to the gospel. I toured the mission doing zone conferences and teaching the other missionaries how to teach the gospel. And how to get investigators to "commit" to the church.

My girlfriend had waited the whole time. I came home and it was as if I had never left in a lot of ways. We began dating immediately, and we already knew we were going to get married. I still had my doubts about the church, but still felt that I would eventually reach the point that everyone around me seemed to be at. That point were I would understand, or at least be able to better accept that my doubts would never go away.

Well I was shortly engaged to be married, we were afraid that if we waited too long we would surely sin and become unworthy for temple marriage. Besides, what was the point of waiting we were sure we were destined to be together. I again ignored my doubts. I caved into a lot of social pressure and went through with a temple marriage.

The temple had always made me feel uneasy, even from the first time I attended. Even though I had grown up in the church I was in no way prepared for that bizarre ritual. I remember my dad trying to warn me about how strange it was and my mom got pretty mad at him for talking negatively about the experience. Anyway I remember the feeling of how cultish it was in the temple, hand signals, robes, strange vows and symbols. Swearing to never talk about it. But again, I was convinced that the problem lied within me and that one day I would understand. After all, many of the General Authorities of the church are surgeons and attorneys, they would be smart enough to get out if this was really that bad, right?

I did not have many of the issues surrounding temple marriage that I have read about on the Internet. My entire family is LDS and my wife's family is also. It probably would have been worse for us the other way around. But again, I did not stop to think about this from the perspective of a father of an only child who cannot attend her wedding because he is not "worthy" or a "member". This now seems very insensitive and insulting to me.

Well my wife and I started out lives here in SLC and attended church and paid tithing and the whole nine yards. I began to have discussions at work and at school with people and found many of my old questions about the church resurfacing. I have always had a bit of the "rebel" in me and often associated myself with "non-members" simply because I was interested in their opinions about life. Not to mention that many of the members I knew were self righteous judgmental and boring. I simply did not care for their company.

Well to make a long story short, I opened my mind and started to sincerely re-evaluate what I believed in. The more I studied about the church, the more I doubted it. (This continues to be the trend!) I came to realize that the things I had a testimony about were not original to the Mormon church. I could still be honest, loving, charitable, kind, industrious, and everything else that was good about the church with out being a Mormon. I then realized that all of the things that bothered me WERE original to the church. Polygamy, blacks and the priesthood, the Book of Mormon and the facts that disprove it, Adam God theory, the whole "we are right and everyone else is wrong" attitude, Mormon prophets contradicting each other, the temple ceremony, The Book of Abraham and the list goes on and on.

Towards the beginning of this search I had a temple recommend interview with a member of my ward bishopric. This was really an eye opener! I frankly discussed my feelings regarding the church. He simply told me that I needed to pray about it more. When I explained that I had prayed and fasted regarding these issues, and still felt that God was telling me that certain doctrines were incorrect, he recommended that I pray some more.

So I guess my question is, why should a Mormon even bother to pray? They already have all the answers in the handy dandy lesson books. And if you should choose to pray about an issue, and find that your answer is not in line with what the church teaches, you can rest assured that it is you who is wrong. And that your answer was from Satan and not from God. So again I ask, WHY BOTHER TO PRAY ABOUT ANYTHING??? Remember..."when the brethren speak the thinking has been done". (that little phrase really scares me now)

I finally came to the realization that I could no longer live a lie. This lack of integrity was literally killing me spiritually. I needed freedom from this organization. This has caused a great deal of stress in my life as my wife and family still strongly believe in the church. I am not strongly vocal about my beliefs, but I also do not hide how I feel when asked. I have decided to be honest about this issue and let the chips fall where they may.

I feel a new found freedom, I do not feel that God gave me my intellect for me to ignore it. And when so much of the church caused me to question I knew he would be disappointed in me for blindly following like a sheep instead getting out of something that I no longer believed true. I don't necessarily think the LDS church is evil, although I am beginning to lean that way, I just do not feel that it is for me. I respect a persons right to believe in whatever they wish. I sincerely believe that if Mormonism makes a person happy they should devote themselves to it, personally it did not make me happy.

Sorry for the rambling nature of this letter, but I felt compelled to write it. I just wanted to share how I feel so that others will know they are not alone. I didn't say much about it but it was a life changing experience when I had a heart to heart with my dad and he admitted many of the same doubts.

Without hearing that someone else felt the same way, who was also a Mormon, I am not sure that I would have ever pursued my "quest" to know whether or not the church was really true. I probably would have only continued to doubt my own spirituality and "worthiness". I do know that it is important to know that you are not alone when you are trying to leave an authoritarian organization like the church.

BRAD HUDSON LEFT MORMONISM WHILE ON HIS MISSION FOR THE MORMON CHURCH

2006-09-06T00:10:00.001+01:00

I was born and raised in the LDS church. I was a pretty typical "good" Mormon kid -- very active in the ward and in the young people's organizations. I had a very strong testimony, which I shared often.

I entered BYU as a freshman in 1976. I was accepted into a new, experimental program called the honors colloquium. It was an interdisciplinary approach to education, combining subjects that were traditionally taught separately. The professors were definitely "liberal" by LDS standards. One of the first books we read was Juanita Brooks' book on the Mountain Meadows Massacre. The atmosphere was very open, and no subject seemed off limits for critical analysis or discussion.

As part of the colloquium, we were required to prepare a paper as part of a major project. I had heard something about controversies surrounding the Book of Abraham. I wanted to do a paper on the Book of Abraham, and my roommate and best friend agreed to work with me on the project.

To research the paper, I went to the special collections in the BYU library. That was where they kept the "anti-Mormon" literature. Students could not check the material out, probably out of concern that zealous students would destroy it. I also read everything in print by LDS authors on the subject that I could find. I even tried to interview Hugh Nibley, the LDS "expert" on the Book of Abraham, but was rebuffed in a terse conversation in which he told me I shouldn't bother with such things.

We organized the paper by first describing all the criticisms that had been made of the book. We then summarized all the possible explanations and solutions that had been offered by LDS authors. We did no original research -- just summarized everything that we had found.

As we were preparing the paper, my roommate told me that he thought it was very important that we include our testimony that we knew that the LDS church was God's true church and that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. I felt funny doing this, because I wasn't sure it represented a very scholarly approach to our subject, but I agreed. After all, I didn't want anybody to think we were implying that Joseph Smith wasn't a prophet, did I?

As part of the assignment, we gave an oral presentation to our instructors and fellow students. We did it in two parts -- I think the two parts were on consecutive days. The first session laid out the various criticisms and problems. At the end of the first session, the other students were dumb struck. A few were in tears. After the second, in which we presented the possible "solutions" people were more talkative and seemed to feel better. Our basic conclusion was: we know the truth, there are lots of different explanations to choose from, and we are sure there is an explanation out there somewhere.

At the end of the whole exercise, I felt dishonest. It felt wrong to write a scholarly paper based on the assumption that we already knew the answers. In hindsight, our instructors should have called us on the carpet for our approach. If I recall correctly, we received an excellent grade.

In the fall of 1977, I was called to a mission on the Navajo reservation. My best friend received his call at about the same time. We went to Provo together to go through the temple. I was shocked. Nothing had prepared me for the endowment ceremony. This was in the bad old days before the blood oaths were removed. Did my eternal salvation really hinge on knowing some secret handshakes and phrases? Did my church really believe that all other churches were of the devil? I had lots of questions and doubts, but since we were instructed never to discuss the ceremony outside of the temple, I never voiced them. I just clung to the belief that God must know what he is doing, and trusted him.

I spent several weeks in the Language Training Mission studying Navajo. During this time, I struggled with my testimony. I wanted desperately to believe, but found that my doubts crowded in time and time again. Just when I felt I had taken a step forward, I slid two steps back.

I arrived on the reservation at the start of winter. My mission president was George P. Lee, a Navajo who had been appointed as one of the church's "General Authorities." He was very dynamic and inspirational. He constantly pushed us to do our best for God and for the Navajo people. I was thrilled to have such an inspired man as a mission president. I had one personal interview with him that put me on a spiritual high for days.

Being a missionary to the Navajos was often discouraging to me. They treated us politely, would invite us in, would listen to our lessons, and would send us on our way. Even when someone agreed to be baptized, they seemed to drift away into inactivity in a short while. Our records were full of inactive Navajo members. We baptized a few young children and one of my companion's parents. But the conditions on the reservation were very depressing, and I constantly struggled with the question of whether we were doing any good for the people.

In my second area, we lived in a small apartment in the back of a laundromat behind a trading post. The trading post was run by church members, who were very kind to and supporting of the missionaries. They also had a copy of the documentary history of the church, which they lent to me. I started reading it during my scripture study time. I made it through the first five volumes.

The more I read, the more problems I found with the church. I began to realize that the church of which I was a member bore little resemblance to the organization founded by Joseph Smith.

As winter turned to spring, our efforts turned to "placement baptisms." At that time, the placement program was the LDS church's major effort to bring Lamanites (the LDS term for Native Americans) into the church. Children were taken from the reservation into LDS family homes throughout the country to attend school. Many Navajo parents wanted their children to participate as a means of getting them away from reservation and into what they perceived to be a better environment.

There was one catch......to participate, you had to be a church member. So, every spring, lots of children would be baptized so that they could participate in the program. We were told that the previous year there had been 900 placement baptisms. The mission was very gung ho with this program, but there was little discussion of the impact of separating children from their families and their cultural heritage for three fourths of every year.

President Lee gave us a stirring speech on placement. He stressed to us that conversion continues during placement, so we should not hold people out of the program because they weren't really converted. We shouldn't worry about whether they really have a testimony before baptizing them. If they applied and were doing well in school, our orders were to baptize them. If we pushed the program, we would help fulfill the promise in the Book of Mormon that the Lamanite people would "blossom like a rose."

The more I read from the church history, the worse I felt. The more I studied, thought and prayed, the more problems I found with the church and what it claimed to be. I started compiling a list of problems. It became harder and harder for me to go out and teach. When I got to the part of a lesson where I had to bear my testimony (even memorized in Navajo), my stomach would tighten into a knot. I became physically ill and couldn't go out to teach.

Finally, I realized that I couldn't do it anymore -- tell people that I knew the church was true when I had such serious doubts. I felt like I was in a fog, and I didn't know what to do. I wrote this in my Missionary Journal:
I took Wednesday for a huge personal inventory. I went across the little footbridge that spans the San Juan River, took my "problem list" of things that I had found out about the church that disturbed me. I wanted to come to a decision. I was tired of putting up a front. I was teaching things, not only that I didn't know were true, but even had serious doubts about. I was lying to myself, the people and God. That's a crummy way to live.

I had, many times, when I reached the testimony bearing part of a discussion, gritted my teeth and said to myself "Here goes another lie." I was a good actor in high school -- I think the training helped. I could fool everyone -- almost all of the missionaries thought I was strong. Yet I couldn't fool two important people -- myself and God. So -- something had to change -- I couldn't keep going like that anymore.

I sat out in the bright sun, by the river, with the biggest, hardest, and most significant decision of my life before me. One the one side was staying -- a good life in the church, a chance to serve, almost all of my friends, [my girlfriend], the respect of my home ward, my grandparents, BYU, the church values and standards. Then there was leaving -- a loss of all those things, an insecure future ... but also a facing up to all of those questions, doubts and fears and a renewal of integrity that I hadn't experienced in a long time.

I took my list -- prayed hard to God for wisdom, guidance, and courage, and looked carefully at each item. I said to myself "Is this basis enough to discard friends, values, a whole way of life?" I had, I think, 27 items on the list. After three I knew the answer -- I had to go. I laughed and almost cried as the relief and peace flooded into my soul. I stood on the bridge, staring up the river, knowing I was going home, knowing that God would take care of me.

In practice, leaving my mission wasn't quite that simple. I was lucky because my parents were also having their doubts about the church. I called my Dad and told him about my problems. He told me "Just be honest with yourself, do what you know is right." I was getting cold feet and told him I wasn't sure what I would do and told him I didn't need him to do anything yet. After a couple of days I realized that I was just stalling, and called to ask him to drive out from California to pick me up. When I called, I learned that he had left two days before and would be there that night. My mom said that he "just knew to come."

But I was pretty well conditioned by authority, so I was determined to leave through official channels. I called my zone leaders and told them I was leaving and that I wanted to see President Lee. They said to drive down to meet with them, as President Lee was in Salt Lake for General Conference. The mission assistants also drove up to meet with me. I spent two hours talking to them. They tried to persuade me to stay.

They told me that I was going off blindly, that I had no plan. They had a plan. I would be transferred to the mission home, where I would study the Book of Mormon and try to regain a testimony. I couldn't explain all my doubts to them, but simply told them I didn't believe and I couldn't be a missionary any more. They didn't understand.

We returned the next day because President Lee wanted to speak with me on the telephone. The missionaries that had been friendly and cajoling the day before were stone faced and tense.

A definite wall had gone up between us. President Lee called, and my diary records what happened next:
He started with reminding me all that Jesus Christ had done for me, he lived and died for me -- and now I was turning my back on him, and kicking dust in his face. That's what he kept saying over and over -- that I was kicking dust in the face of Jesus Christ. That hurt -- but what could I say?

First, he said he would come right down. Then he wanted me to wait until Wednesday so he could give me a priesthood blessing.

He asked me why I was leaving -- and I told him. He didn't believe me -- told me that that was just an excuse. Wanted to know why. He couldn't accept that I just didn't believe in what I was doing. He said that Satan had led my father away, and through my father was leading me away.

He told my that I was making things worse. He warned me against planning on repenting later, that I was almost throwing away my chance to go to the Celestial Kingdom and become a God.

He offered me every out: a new area, a transfer to the English side [of the mission], a respite in the mission home, a different mission. I turned them all down.

He said "Do you want to talk to President Kimball? Would it help?"

I said that I would -- but it probably would not help.

He asked me if it would help to talk to him. I said that it probably wouldn't (after all, we were talking then).

Events took a definite turn for the worse.

He said "It sounds like your mind is already made up -- before you even talked to me."

I said "I think it is President."

He then said something that still rings in my head -- and will for a long time.

"Elder Hudson, by the authority of the Melchezedic Priesthood, and in the name of Jesus Christ, I command you not to leave the mission. [pause] "And if you do, something will happen."

Stunned, I flatly said "What?"

"I'm not telling you Elder, and I say it in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen"

Click.....

My brain exploded and my soul cried out that this was wrong. This shouldn't be happening. The only things this man of God had used to "persuade" me to stay were guilt and fear. I told the assistants what had happened, and they were stunned. They said I must have misunderstood.

They called President Lee back. I did something he had asked me to do -- I prayed. It only took a couple of minutes, and any lingering hesitation or doubt fled. I was leaving, and there was no question about it.

The assistants came back in and told me that President Lee had instructed them to go on about their work and not attempt to counsel me anymore. We did have a last prayer, and I said a tearful goodbye. My father asked me if I was sure that I wanted to leave, warning me that I would probably be excommunicated. I told them it didn't matter.

President Lee was right -- something did happen.

The last thing in my missionary diary is a newspaper article titled "Mormon Elder Excommunicated." The funny thing is, the article isn't about me. It is about George P. Lee. It says he was excommunicated for "apostasy and other conduct unbecoming a member of the church."

A couple of years ago I drove past the trading post. Well, now it's just a gas station and the laundromat has been torn down. The footbridge is still there, although there are a few planks missing. I looked up the river, and could still feel the peacefulness that filled me when I realized that the church was not teaching the truth, that I didn't believe, and that I had the courage to face the truth no matter what the consequences. The most important lesson I learned from the LDS church is that living a lie is actually a slow, painful spiritual death. It is much better to face the truth and live.

Brad Hudson

EX LDS JULIE ABUSED BY A MORMON BISHOP

2006-04-28T20:01:00.001+01:00

My name is Julie. At the time of this writing I am 34 years old. I was born and raised in Utah within the Mormon church. I come from a multi-generational family with deep roots in Mormonism. Most of my family joined at the very beginnings of the church under Joseph Smith or Brigham Young. My husband comes from the same kind of background (TBM) and was raised in the same town as I. We are the only members of our families to leave the mormon church. We have been married for almost 15 years and have a 10 year old son.

I have been "out" of the church for almost 4 years now. Sometimes (for some unknown reason) I want to go back. There is no rhyme or reason to this except that perhaps it's the only religious experience I've ever known or been part of. I know in my head that Mormonism is a cult and is abusive. I need to make sure that my heart realizes that.

There are a couple of things that I would like to share -- to GET OUT of my mind and share with someone so that perhaps I can go on and resolve my conflicts within the church.

The first experience began when I was 7 years old. I lived in Nephi, Utah across from the church. My father was in jail for several DWI's and for domestic abuse against my mother. My mother turned to the church for financial help because she was trying to raise me, my sister, and my brother on her own.

She did have a job at a nursing home, but it wasn't quite enough to cover food. The Bishop agreed to help her, providing that she would clean the church. Just a few light duties: washing the windows and vacuuming, mostly. I was in charge of vacuuming. My mom had a key to the church and I would go over there when she was at work and make sure that it was all vacuumed every Saturday so that it would be ready for Sunday. (Remember, I was only 7 years old.)

My experience all started when I ran into a counselor in the bishopric. On that particular day, I remember being very upset because I was constantly being teased by the other kids because my dad was in jail. The counselor sat me down on his lap in the chapel and asked me to tell him why I was crying. He was so kind! So wonderful! This was a man of God wanting to know about ME! I told him everything. I trusted him and was really happy for the attention! I went home that day very happy and grateful for my new friend.

The next time I went to the church to vacuum, the counselor in the bishopric was already there. He asked me if things were better and I told him they were. He asked me if the children were still bothering me, and I told him they were, but it was okay. He took me again on his lap as if to comfort me, but this time his hand rested inside my shorts. As he kept talking to me (I don't even remember what about) his hand kept snaking up toward my private area inside my shorts. He acted like this was very natural, and although I remember feeling anxious, I did not stop him. He touched me where no adult should touch a child that day. I went home feeling confused this time, but I didn't really understand or question it, because, after all -- he was a member of the bishopric.

Each time I went to the church to vacuum for my Mom, my involvement with this man became deeper and took longer. It got to the point where I couldn't finish my job and was always afraid my mom would be angry with me. And she often was! After a few weeks, he was touching my genitals as if it were second nature to him and kissing me often. He also would touch my little girl chest and had me massaging his genitals as well. I was extremely uncomfortable with this behavior, but he always told me that I was "special." And that he loved me like I was his own little girl. I should never tell, because that would break the promises we had made to each other in the church. I remember each time going home and taking long baths until my mother would get home from work. I was constantly getting into trouble with her because she relied on me to babysit my younger siblings as well. They were left to fend for themselves during those hours. Once when I told my mom that I didn't want to clean the church anymore, she told me that if I didn't then I would be responsible for the church taking food away from our family. Did I really want to do that? NO. I couldn't handle it. (I WAS ONLY SEVEN YEARS OLD!)

Shortly after the counselor began "molesting" me, he brought a camera with him (one of those old "Polaroid" cameras) and would take pictures of me in several different ways of undress. Sometimes I would hold my shirt up, sometimes my pants would be down and my bottom would be facing the camera. Several times I was nude. I just kept thinking it MUST be okay because come Sunday, he would be sitting up there on the stand and wink at me once in awhile, or lead the opening remarks and after all, this was a man called of God. If God thought that it was okay, then it must be okay.

Then came the day that I was naked in the Sunday School classroom. I was sitting on his lap and his pants were down around his ankles. He started to push his penis into my vagina. I started to cry. He told me that it wouldn't hurt if I could just relax. He made me feel as if it were my fault that it was hurting because I didn't relax good enough. I don't remember how often this happened, but I do know it was more than 3 times.

Then I turned 8 years old and it was time for my baptism. I was afraid. I memorized my "Articles of Faith" like I knew that I should. (I ALWAYS did everything that I should!) It was time for my interview with the Bishop. I was so afraid to go into his office because I knew from what my Primary teacher and Sunday School teacher told me what he would ask. I knew I couldn't lie. I was so afraid that everyone would find out and I would not be able to come to church anymore. I was afraid that the Bishop probably already knew about what was going on because God surely would have let him know!

After I recited my scriptures that I had to memorize and the Articles of Faith, the Bishop started the interview. He asked me if I had been a good girl and if I felt worthy to be baptized. It took me a few seconds to answer. Then I told him, "No." He asked me why. I told him that I couldn't tell him. Perhaps he assumed that I had stolen some candy from a store or something like that because what he said next surprised me. He said, "Julie, when you come up from the waters of baptism, you will be as clean and pure as the white driven snow." (I remember those exact words as if it were just yesterday.) Well, I felt pretty good about that! It almost felt -- actually it DID feel like I had a 'do-over!'

I was baptized on a Saturday. My beloved Grandpa who lived in Payson (20 miles to the north of Nephi and where I had most of my growing up years beginning at 8 and a half) baptized me. When I came up from the waters of baptism, it felt like my bishop was right! I felt so wonderful and sparkly and CLEAN! Not just on the outside, of course, but on the inside! I didn't feel evil or bad anymore.

The next day was Sunday and back in those days they confirmed you in church after all the babies are blessed. I felt so proud walking up the aisle in my new dress and my long, dark hair in curls. The bishop put out the chair and had me sit down. While he was waiting for others to join the circle for my confirmation, he mentioned to the congregation how proud he was of me. I glowed! This was really my day! The men began to surround me. My grandpa (who was to give me the blessing), some of my uncles (my mother's brother's) and a neighbor. I closed my eyes as they put their hands on my head and my Grandpa began to speak. I opened my eyes a little and looked up. To my horror and amazement, I saw the counselor in the bishopric standing off to the side of me with his head bent and his eyes closed. After seeing that, I began to cry. I think everyone assumed that I was crying because the "spirit" was really with me or something. But I was crying because HE was there. I never felt any spirit or felt the holy ghost or anything I was told I would feel. I just felt anxious and dead inside. In my little girl mind, I believed with all of my heart that the baptism never "took." That I never received the "gift of the Holy Ghost" or was worthy of any of the promises that I was supposed to have as a Child of God.

As if that weren't enough, the VERY NEXT SATURDAY I went to vacuum the church again. HE wasn't there at first, but he came in a few minutes after I did. This time I didn't want to do anything he said, but HE FORCED ME! For the first time, I struggled and he was mean and he HURT me more than ever. I tried not to cry, but I couldn't help it. I wasn't really crying so much because of what he was doing to me, but because I felt that if this were a man of God and he could do these things to me, then God must HATE me. It was that day that I realized that I wasn't special or any of those things that I was taught. That God had turned his back on me and I was on my own. I never prayed again. My "do-over" was gone....

We moved back up to Payson soon after that and away from that church. Away from the counselor in the Bishopric. I told myself that I would never, ever go to the church again, ever. But sure enough, the next Sunday I was there. But this time my Grandpa was sitting next to me, proud as could be that his Granddaughter whom he had just a baptized a few weeks earlier was with him. It was fast & testimony meeting that day and he got up and bore his testimony and talked at length about how proud he was of me and the path that I had chosen. I felt like a liar and a cheat. I felt dishonest and dirty. I was dirt before my baptism and I was dirt after my baptism. I wasn't worthy to be sitting there listening to my Grandpa shower his praise on me. It took awhile, but I finally blocked these things from my mind. But the thoughts that I wasn't worthy and was dirty and that God hated me continued to exist in the back of my little girl mind.

In the meantime, around the age of 9, I started being molested by 2 uncles. (My father's brothers.) It just seemed the norm at that time. I never told anyone. Why should I? I was always threatened not to, but since I was always obedient I wouldn't have told anyway.

Until I grew up, that is. When I was 28 years old, I told my Grandmother (my father's mother) about the abuse that had been heaped upon her by her sons. Her reply was, "I didn't know they had 'bothered' you, too." Just like it was the "norm" to have that happen! Apparently she confronted one of her sons about the abuse. His name was Russell. When I was younger, he was especially violent. His favorite game was taking me to the cemetery and having sex with me in front of his friends.... He always told me he'd kill me if I EVER told and that I would die before I was 30 anyway.

After my Grandmother confronted him about my "stories" he came to my home while my husband was out of town. I heard a loud knock at the door. I didn't look through the peephole. (An action that I still feel responsible for to this day.) As soon as the door opened, he came busting through the door.

I had been cutting up some slices of cheese for my (then) two year old son to tide him over until dinner. Russell grabbed the knife, held it to my throat and after a lengthy struggle which entailed him throwing my baby into his room and slamming the door.... he beat me and raped me. I didn't tell anyone until the next day. My next door neighbors had heard noises (we lived in an apartment complex) but didn't report them. It wasn't until they saw my face that they put two and two together. I let them know "kind of" what happened, but instead of going to the police, we went to our Bishop. The police weren't called in until the next day. (I was too ashamed....) The police just simply took my statement and that pretty much was that. It was his word against mine. Oh well....

My husband, son and I moved to Florida in 1990. We were not active in the Mormon church, but were believers at that point. We were visited by missionaries and started going back into activity in 1992. But every time I would go into the chapel, I would have anxiety attacks. I would look up at the Bishop and his counselors on the stand and find myself unable to breathe. 9 times out of 10, I had to leave. I found myself not going to church because I didn't know why I couldn't just sit still and find comfort in the church. Wasn't I supposed to find comfort being in God's true church? Everyone around me did, but I didn't.

So, I started studying at home instead. I read the BOM several times. I read all the books I was supposed to. It was then that I began to find historical discrepancies, prophecy and doctrinal discrepancies, etc.... I became confused about this. It was also at this time that I came across the book "Miracle of Forgiveness" by Spencer W. Kimball. He had been my favorite prophet and I was always in awe of him. But his statement regarding chastity left me feeling like I had been kicked in the stomach:

"Restitution for Loss of Chastity. Also far-reaching is the effect of loss of chastity. Once given or taken or stolen it can never be regained. Even in a forced contact such as rape or incest, the injured one is greatly outraged. If she has not cooperated and contributed to the foul deed, she is of course in a more favorable position. There is no condemnation where there is no voluntary participation. It is better to die in defending one's virtue than to live having lost it without a struggle."

All of the past came rushing back to me with such a force that I was in bed for days. I didn't struggle for the most part. I did cooperate in most of the cases of my molestations. I didn't struggle much when my uncle raped me as an adult because I feared for the life of my child. Now I knew for sure, even as an adult, that I truly was not one of God's favorites or even worthy to be a member of HIS True Church.

I made an appointment with my Bishop. I told him of the abuse that my uncles did to me. (I didn't make any mention of my questions regarding church discrepancies at this time.) He said all the right words, "It's okay, You are forgiven..It isn't your fault, etc..." Then I showed him what I had read in "The Miracle of Forgiveness." He told me that the book was "outdated" for today and that those words wouldn't stand in my situation. I was again confused. The prophet of the Lord wrote this book, and it wouldn't stand? It was outdated? But I did find comfort in the fact that this Bishop said he would do anything he could to help me rid myself of my past so that I could go on with my life. He and I had a few more sessions until I felt better about things. He did everything he could to help me and I began to rely on his talks with me a great deal. I felt good about my life.

But the anxiety and panic whenever I would go to church would continue. I thought it must be God's way of telling me I didn't belong. The Bishop would insist that perhaps I wasn't "doing my part" by reading the Book of Mormon. That I should study it more diligently. God would give me comfort if I TRULY seeked it... I finally told the Bishop about my experience with the counselor in the Bishopric between the ages of 7 and 8. (Before and after baptism.) He immediately got a cold look on his face and shut off completely. He told me right then that he was unable to help me any further and that he wouldn't be able to speak to me again until I got professional help. I would try and call him at home and he would refuse my calls. (My calls were always a priority before.) I felt abandoned again. I felt alone and discarded and violated. I had shared things with this Bishop that I hadn't shared with anyone and he just plain didn't care anymore. I was suicidal. I didn't believe that God could or would love me if His Bishop couldn't love and accept me. I truly believed that with all of my heart.

In the meantime, my husband watched me struggle through a suicide attempt and loss of faith in my Church and myself. It was at this time that the old bishop was replaced by a new one and I felt encouraged to seek his help. Perhaps things would be different. Well, they weren't. Not even close. I felt disfellowshipped. We had no home teachers, no visiting teachers. And since we had no family around us (because they were all in Utah) I felt so alone.

My husband and I became disillusioned with what we had been reading and the experiences we had gone through. We wrote the bishop a letter asking that our names be removed from the records of the church. We never heard back from him. After several attempts and 4 letters later, (he said he had 'lost' the letters) we received a plain white piece of paper (with no letterhead) from the clerk in our ward telling us that we were no longer members. That didn't satisfy me because ANYONE could have written that! I mean, this was not even an official document! We spent the next few years wondering if we were even members or not.
We have suffered so much. I feel I've lost my identity, my God, my legacy, my heritage, my family's respect, etc.

I wrote to my Grandpa on April 23, 1993 telling him of my decision to leave the church and why. (I left out the sexual abuse parts.) My grandfather was the only person in my life that I felt loved me unconditionally. He never responded to my letter. When we would talk by telephone, it was as if my letter never was sent. I still felt the love and joy in his voice when he would hear mine. I asked him at one point if he read the letter, and he told me he did, but that's all that was said. I knew he was disappointed. He told me that he knew I'd come back when I figured things out. Three months to the day I sent that letter (June 23, 1993) my grandpa died. So did a major part of me. I flew back to Utah for the funeral. My Grandmother (even though she knew I had left the church) asked me to speak. I did. It was hard, but so joyous to be able to share my thoughts and feelings about my beloved friend, mentor, father, grandfather. The only rough spot was my Grandmother telling me that my grandpa was disappointed with my decision to leave the church and felt that I had turned my back on the Lord. This made me angry. I never turned my back on the Lord. (Did I?) Wasn't he the one who turned his back on ME? What my Grandmother said to me hurt me more than if she had slapped me as hard as she could.

So now I am back to here. Here and now. I don't consider myself a Mormon. I am learning what it's like to be on the outside looking in. (Because sometimes I still crave the fellowship I had in Utah as a teenager.) I miss my Grandfather giving me a "Father's Blessing" when I was going through a rough time or ill. But I still have the shame. I still carry the burden of what happened in those secret times in the chapel and the sunday school room in Nephi, Utah with a Man of God. I still, even though I am an adult, cannot put it into a perspective that I can deal with. I have sought secular counseling and have been able to put the abuse that my uncles heaped on me into their proper place and go on. And for that I am both proud and thankful.

But this.... this is too big for me to deal with alone. And I don't know how to resolve it.
I realize that Life is a continual process. That maybe someday I will be free. Maybe I will have to die before that takes place. I hope not. In the meantime, I feel like I'm carrying around poison.

That's it. I don't know what else to add. This is a very long letter, but as you can see from reading it, a few sentences wouldn't have helped me or anyone else understand the situation.
I just hope that you can make sense of it.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share this. I think the only way that justice can be done (if there is such a thing) and the only way I can feel like my life has been worth something at all is if my story can help someone else.

Love, Julie

WOODY'S TESTIMONY - A MORMON FOR 31 YEARS

2006-04-27T17:46:00.001+01:00

A Mormon for 31 years

Hello everyone;
My name is Woody and even though I have been on the net for a while, this is my first entry. I want to thank everyone who has shared their hearts on their exit from Mormonism.

My family joined the church when I was ten & I was a member for 31 years. On my mission in Southern California, while defending the faith & working with some wonderful members, I was exposed to many of the "weird" doctrines I had never heard before. I ignored those doctrines after I had gone to a local institute director at Long Beach State University, and he had minimized those "weird" arguments by saying they were tools of the devil and used frequently by anti-Mormons who misquoted the prophets.

I returned home in 1974, entered college, and got married to Cindy in the LA Temple in November 1975. I was very active in the little church branch where the college was located.

In 1978 I was quite surprised to learn that the brethren had decided to ordain blacks to the priesthood. I was not disturbed that blacks could not serve in the church as priesthood holders, but disturbed because Brigham Young (BY) prophesied that the blacks would never hold the priesthood until after Christ came at His second coming. This was the first evidence to me of conflicting doctrines given by general authorities of the church that were supposedly revelations from God. This also brought to memory those conflicting doctrines that were minimized by the institute director, while on my mission. Even though this bothered me, I stayed active and began to pray and study harder for personal understanding.

The following years were spent in reading church books and the standard works to resolve these conflicts. The more I studied and read, the more questions arose and less answers available. In 1985, I told Cindy there were many issues in the church which concerned me. This upset her greatly because she was taught in Relief Society that doubts could sometimes be the symptom of a greater personal sin such as infidelity. Even though Cindy knew I had always been faithful to her, she was extremely bothered that I questioned the church and lacked a strong testimony . Whenever we argued, it was always about my lukewarm testimony compared to those other "spiritual" priesthood holders in the ward and my own testimony before 1978.

Cindy had grabbed hold of the "romantic" notions of the eternal family doctrine because she was raised in a very bad family and was looking for a method of having a better family of her own. As a convert she was sure the church had the true family system. Consequently, Cindy was not tolerant of my doubts, so once again I suppressed them & plead "insanity". Continuing on, I studied and remained active while serving in various callings such as, the Young Men's program; the Bishopric; Sunday School; assistant institute teacher; seminary teacher; and an advisor to the High Priests. I loved reading everything on Joseph Smith and gave firesides to the youth, giving spiritual and funny events of his life. I even named my first born son after the prophet Joseph.

In 1990 the temple rituals were changed. Now my wife saw the political changes for the first time. Sure I noticed the big changes such as the penalties being dropped etc., but I already knew it was a joke. She noticed the subtleties I would have never noticed without her help. Things like, in the pre -1990 version, Eve always looked to Adam for her guidance. In the 1990 version, Eve looked to heaven also & even spoke more. That alone was a major doctrinal shift if one knew the control the organization exercised over women and still does today with its romantic families are forever nonsense.

In 1992 Cindy went to her alma mater to BYU Education week. I could not go due to work constraints. She attended a variety of lectures and came home uplifted and said what a spiritual experience it was. Cindy went on how she desired me to go the following year because she felt strongly it would have a positive affect on me and my testimony.

So in the summer of 1993, I accepted her challenge and drove to Utah with my two daughters, who were 15 and 17 years old at the time. When I attended a lecture on Joseph Smith (JS), the professor gave an antidote about Joseph's life that disturbed me deeply. The experience was about an entry in Willard Richards diary . Bro. Richards was telling of a time when he and Joseph were leaving the Mansion house to go to the church office. The diary entry stated how Joseph's faithful wife, Emma, asked Joseph if he was practicing Plural Marriage? The diary then told that Joseph answered "no". After they left the Mansion House and walking to their office, Bro. Richards asked Joseph why he had lied to Emma.

Joseph said Emma would never accept polygamy and he would have to go to Hell to save her. The audience was so impressed that Joseph had the power over hell as "The prophet of the restoration", and that he also loved his wife so much as to go to hell to save her soul.

I could not believe my ears! Did I miss something? If I remember correctly, didn't 2Nephi 9:34 say that "Wo unto the liar, for he shall be thrust down to hell." This was the last straw. I had two daughters on this campus and my wife at home, who's own self esteem was becoming co-dependent on the Brethren and the romance of their evil doctrines.

I did not attend many more sessions of education week. Instead I went to the BYU bookstore, BYU library, Deseret Bookstores, and the Deseret News. I confronted the BYU History Professor, Susan Easton Black, and asked her about the four versions of J.S. first vision. She said she could not answer it and referred me to Dean Jesse, the Seventy over church history in Salt Lake. I asked her about one of her self professed specialties, which was Mormons and Masonry. Before I asked my questions on Masonry, I asked about her background on the subject. Here I was seeking answers and Susan, the self professed expert, who had written on the subject and Ph.D. in History, said she had only read Mormonism and Masonry by McGavin. She did not know about the Catholic Monastic Templars that had preceded the Free Masons of 1314. She still believed that the temple rituals of Masonry and Mormonism where based on Solomon's Temple. Little did she know that the temple rights were secret codes used during the crusades by those Catholic Templars to determine who was friend or foe. Similarly, military engagement codes are used by today's allies to identify each other during tactical maneuvers. And she is supposed to be the expert of BYU, and the only source she had was reading one book authored by a Mormon. If this is research, give me a break!

Following the advise of Susan (since she couldn't explain why JS had 4 different versions of the first vision), I called Dean Jessee to see if he could give me an answer. He avoided the discussion over the phone, but said he would mail me a pamphlet on the subject. I received the pamphlet, "A SURE FOUNDATION - ANSWERS TO DIFFICULT GOSPEL QUESTIONS". On page 169 it said, the four versions of Joseph Smith's first vision could be compared to the four separate testimonies of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John of Christ. I had been on the debate team in college and had also been to court many times due to my profession, and this was the most stupid analogy I had ever heard in my life.

The Bible had four different individual's testimony , which all agreed on the identity of Jesus Christ, His life and teachings. J.S. gave four different testimonies of the same event that did not agree on any material issue. In fact, any fair court on earth or in heaven , would deem J.S. a liar; wake up Bro. Jessee. What is really interesting on this issue, is that Oliver Cowdery (who had been living with JS and Emma in those early years), had written a letter to encourage Brigham Young and his brothers, to come and meet the prophet. In that letter, Oliver said that JS told him in his "first vision", it was Nephi that delivered the message and told Joseph to join none of the other churches. It wasn't until 1838 (6 years later), that the story had evolved to the point that the "Heavenly Personage" was none other than Christ, and God the Father.

Next my research took me to Deseret News where I obtained a copy from the original newspaper, of many of the Adam-God discourses written by Brigham Young (BY). I was told by my last Bishop and the institute director (on my mission), that B.Y. was misquoted. Now does anyone think B.Y., who had an authoritarian personality like Sudam Hussein, would let his newspaper misquote him. If anyone reads one page of B.Y. in the Journal of Discourses, one would know that nobody crossed Bro. Brigham, so I doubt the newspaper would misquote a hand written document of B.Y; If they had, there would have been some evidence of a retraction by the newspaper shortly thereafter. The reason why there never was any retraction, is because BY loved the Adam-God Doctrine. In the newspaper, a sermon by Brigham Young, dated June 14, 1873, Brigham Young said, (to paraphrase), that God had revealed to him, that Adam was our Father and God, and that he was the literal Father of Jesus Christ.

I had read the book The Great Apostasy by James E. Talmage, while on my mission. As I researched Mormonism it brought back to my mind the discoveries of Talmage about Catholic history; its deceit, its revisions of history, and its control of its ignorant and faithful masses. The very thing Talmage had criticized about Catholicism, the church had been doing since its beginning, too.

Driving home from BYU, I was still studying and pondering the above issues (unknown to my daughters). The girls were oblivious as to what was going on in my heart. They were so excited about BYU education week, the things they had learned, and the boys they had met. We even stopped in Nauvoo.

On the long drive home, I shed many tears as the evidence grew showing the deceit and manipulation of the brethren in Salt Lake. I also worried how Cindy would accept the information I would confront her with and wondered if this would break up our marriage and ruin our family. I could only depend on God because Cindy had known that I was only seeking truth, not power or inactivity. Cindy asked me to do one thing when I left for BYU Education Week and that was not to come home lukewarm about my testimony.

When I arrived home Cindy wanted to know how everything went. I said fine, but I was continuing to read many of the church books I bought at the BYU bookstore while there. The final blow came when I read the life of Orin Porter Rockwell, whom I Loved to read about. In the account, Porter told his wife that he had shot Governor Boggs of Missouri. He told her all the facts and that is why the brethren kept Joseph and Porter confined within the city limits of Nauvoo to protect them from the mobs and extradition to Missouri. Well, I put that book down and went down stairs to my library and took out the book, The Life of Joseph Smith, The Prophet by George Q. Cannon, an "apostle of God". In this book, Bro. Cannon said the accusations from the people of Missouri, that a Mormon had shot Governor Boggs, was not true. Instead, he wrote that it was propaganda and that Gov. Boggs was shot by an enemy of the church to increase the persecution of the saints. Well here is another candidate for hell who was also a "profit", seer, and revelator.

I could not stop there , so I called Sister Susan Easton Black in Utah, to see if this history was correct. I asked her specifically, " Do you think Porter Rockwell shot Gov. Boggs? She said "yes, I believe so." My heart sank. I had been up every night until early hours reading for about two weeks. Cindy was concerned, but was not sure what to think. After the Rockwell issue had surfaced I could not keep it in.

I couldn't understand why my father didn't research before joining the church. He was well liked by the local brethren and people, yet I wondered why I had never seen him in humble prayer. I thought again about the manipulation my daughters would go through when they took the oaths and covenants. I remembered my wife's efforts to relate to God as a second class citizen. Her fate was to be sealed in a group to some man who did not know her heart like I did, if I did not keep straight on the path. This drove her to extreme insecurity as I questioned. All she could remember was Eve looking to Adam for her place in the Celestial Kingdom. She was killing herself to be perfect and to keep me perfect, so I could be worthy to take her and the kids back "To our home in the sky". (Ha!) That alone is why Mormonism is wicked. I did not want this for my girls.

Then I thought about my sons and their desire to be like Dad; to be totally worthy to serve a mission and go marry in the Temple. What about their potential heartache when they returned home after a mission, only to find me inactive. Worse would be the possibility in their adulthood of having a family of their own, and discovering what I knew now, disrupting their own family's life. Finding out the hidden lies and not knowing what to do or where to go because of the guilt one feels for doubting, then leaving when so entrenched in this bizarre "Fraternity" . I could not do to my sons what my father did to me.

I decided to present my case to Cindy and prayed that she would be receptive. I was prepared to leave the church alone, but I did not want to loose her and the children, as threatened twelve years earlier. She could go to church if she was not convinced, but I refused to ever go back since I could not support a lie. I had to do this so my children would see my convictions.

One evening I called Cindy into my study. I began to weep as I presented the awful facts before her. She listened and wept too. It took hours to present. When I was finished, to my dismay, she wanted to talk to the Bishop to try to find answers. Of course being a fair debater, I could only acquiesce.

The Bishop was BIG TIME concerned! Here was his assistant advisor to the High Priests asking questions he could not answer. There were other considerations, too. I was the CPA for many members of the church and long time friends to most of them. One Child had performed as Annie in the Annie Play in Atlanta Theaters, she also sang at the Hawks Games. The other children had performed on radio, and on TV Commercials. In addition, he had set up a youth fireside for me to do a J.S. act. I am sure he was concerned about our salvation most of all. He tried to help answer Cindy questions. He brought up my oldest daughters personal problems to remind Cindy that our daughter's salvation depended on forgiveness by the church. Cindy brought all these issues back with her. She asked me to go with her to talk to the Bishop because she could not remember all the questions. I consented because this was her time to search.

The bishop could not answer the issues so he arranged an interview with the Stake President "Gibby". Gibby was the Bishops senior (x-military) pilot at Delta. He was from Provo and the "anti-mormon nemesis". This encounter was not something I looked forward too. But I was a debater from college so I was confident I could plead my case in a logical manner. If he could help me find truth I was willing. Particularly since Cindy was going to come as was the Bishop.

I was working late so we arranged to meet at the Stake Center at 10 o'clock a.m.. The Bishop escorted Cindy and I to the office. Cindy was nervous as was I. "Gibby" had the Bishop open the meeting with prayer. The Bishop sat to my right and Cindy to my left and "Gibby" in front.

Then he opened with the general question of "what's the problem?" I stated that the issues at hand were:

1) Plural marriage and Joseph's promiscuity before the revelation.

2) The four versions of first vision.

3) The proof that the Book of Abraham was not only translated incorrectly but it was also 2000 years out of sync with actual history.

4)Brigham Young's Adam God doctrine,

and 5)the Blood Atonement doctrine.

I am not going to go into the evidence or arguments except to say #3 was the least researched and "Gibby" shut me down on that one, because he brought up one fellow's (Nelson) credibility issues which I had no counter argument for at the time. I had not read the book "by his own hand upon papyrus" by C.M. Larson at that time. Please remember that all of my research was from material within the church except for item #3, it was only a side issue at the time. It is a primary weakness for the church as I found out later.

During the discussion I asked "Gibby" could I bring out my evidence so we could look at the specifics. To my surprise he said "NO" he said that he did not bring his papers so I could not bring out mine. I said "well, you asked for this meeting do you not care to get to the specific problems and what created them?" He simply said we could discuss them anyway. So we began. We began with plural marriage. My questions were to the point. His answers were directed to my wife. He would never look at me as he answered any question. He went on a diatribe about how he was from a fine Utah Polygamy family and how his grandmother was so faithful even when she was refused a space in the main house by the first wife.

He went on to tell how his grandmother had to get money from her own uncle to feed her children because the first wife would not allow the husband to give money to feed his "illegitimate" children. In spite of those trials the "Gibby" is the best Mormon stock. I was not sure if he was against me or for me. He was not helping his case with my wife because I knew my wife hated polygamy and now he was giving her another reason to hate it.

The discussion went on for about 2 hours. Since he had no facts to confront my questions, he finally looked into my wife's eyes and said "If you continue in this direction then you will loose your family forever and you will be divorced in two years."

I was angry. He had cut me off several times during our discussion telling me not to interrupt him when I was only trying to stay with facts not stories and feelings. I apologized each time to my "superior" to let him talk on as he sank his own ship. But now with His comment to my wife, he had hit her where she was most vulnerable her "eternal" family. I controlled my temper and was polite. I asked no more questions. The rhetoric was winding down for the defense and I was ready to go. He finished as before speaking to Cindy. Then the good old missionary trick "ask the most receptive party on the offense to give a sincere closing prayer and ask God that truth be revealed to each one there". Then he added the final salvo that would eventually seal his case in defeat.

My wife was holding on to an experience that consisted of a shocking feeling she had felt when she was 18 and she had prayed about the church, as the missionaries had asked her to do. Now "Gibby" said looking at Cindy "don't trust your feelings, (yea right) that burning in the bosom in D&C Section 9 is for translation purposes only. Pray for truth". (Boy, even I had not heard that argument before) He was afraid she would be influenced by me and he wanted to nip that problem in the bud, before she prayed. However, he forgot she can read and she can reason without me.

She was still caught in the emotions of the meeting and said a sincere prayer and wept as she exposed her vulnerable heart and the insecurities "Gibby" had laid wide open. I did not cry because I was so angry at the manipulation.

As we left together, Cindy was quiet. I walked her to her car. She had driven from her nursing course at college in a separate car. I said quietly to her, "Cindy I think I lost you in there." She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "But, it is so beautiful". I said "It seems that way. I wish I had recorded the meeting so you could review it on your own. You could hear that he never answered the facts that were mentioned; such as the doctrinal changes, J.S.'s promiscuity before the Everlasting Covenant of Marriage was revealed. The fact certain sins are not covered by Christ's atonement. The Statement that J.S. said that he was greater than Christ. The fact J.S. sounds more like David Koresh than Samuel, a real prophet. He only spoke to you and pulled your heart strings."

To my surprise she turned to me and said she had taped it. I could not believe it. She had her little recorder she used in college on in her pocket the whole time. I told her I did not want to hear it. I said, however, that she should listen to it by herself and remember the evidence he would not allow me to show and to listen to the answers to the issues he had given or failed to give. She said she had taped it really to use against me to keep me on the "straight path" if the answers from "Gibby" were conclusive. I told her that was O.K. by me if she believed "Gibby" was correct.

I did not talk to Cindy about that night for two weeks. She finally came to me one evening and said , "Bill, I am ready to leave where do we go from here?" I simply said "I don't know, but for now away from Mormonism."

I hope this experience will help anyone like you have helped me. I know it was long but it has been bottled for a long time. I would be glad to tell the excommunication, or post Mormon experience if anyone is interested upon request. I pray for you all and I know it is hard but worth it.

FORMER MORMON MISSIONARY - NOW A CHRISTIAN

2006-04-27T17:03:00.000+01:00

A Mormon Convert,
BYU Student and Mormon Missionary to France

I have since eagerly read and appreciated each story on your site. I only wish this resource had been available to me two years ago, when I was in the painful process of leaving the LDS church. In fact, I was so desperate at that time for any contact with an ex-Mormon who could help me understand what had happened to my life, that I wrote to the author of an anti-Mormon book (a former Mormon himself, now an evangelical Christian.) Although I did not agree with all of his evangelical theology, I felt that since he was currently a pastor out in Utah (I'm from Virginia), that he was probably skilled in helping ex-Mormons come to terms with their past. He was kind enough to write back, and I did eventually meet another ex-Mormon who became a Catholic. Both were able to provide some of the support and encouragement I needed.

However, your site is even better because of the wide variety of stories available. I was able to find something in common with almost every entry. Although I consider myself fairly healed from the wounds of my Mormon past, it is still exciting to realize that I am far from alone.
However, I was not convinced that my story would bring anything new or special to your site until I read the entry written by the former French missionary. You see, I also served a mission in southern France (Toulouse) from the summer of 79 to January 81. My name at that time was Sister Hoffman (maiden name). Although I was not able to determine if I personally knew this missionary, we definitely shared the same circle of influences. I took religion courses from George Pace at BYU and well remember his scolding from Elder McConkie. (Even then, in my most indoctrinated phase, I was concerned by the church's stance against emphasizing Christ.) I also vividly remember The missionary from Quebec, Daniel Lemire, since he was possessed of a remarkable deep speaking voice (all the more interesting contrasted with his short stature) and beautiful Quebecois accent. I was touched to realize that this missionary had been suffering from the same spiritual angst which haunted me my entire mission and also led me to consider suicide (which was not an option due to my conviction that God would be so angry at me for ending my life that my suffering would only continue in the next life).

It saddens me to realize that throughout my entire journey in Mormonism I was surrounded by others suffering like me. We were all so well cond- itioned in Mormonism that we would not, could not, reveal our doubts to each other, so we all felt alone in our pain. It is for this reason that I have decided to share my own "travelogue", for perhaps there is something in my story that will provide the type of support and encouragement that I so longed for myself.
I was raised as a Methodist, although my parents were never enthusiastic in their faith. By the time I was a teenager, I felt that church was solely a social function which I could do without. When my older sister and her husband were tracted out by Mormon missionaries, they had just had their first baby and were feeling the need to pass on a belief system to him. In spite of her qualms about the priesthood ban to black men and to all women, and the pressure on women to stay at home and have lots of babies, they did join the church. I was also at the point where I felt that I needed resolution concerning my own beliefs and began taking missionary lessons as well. Upon praying about the Book of Mormon as taught, I experienced an emotional thrill new to me.

I accepted the missionaries' explanation that this was God answering my prayer, and was baptized at nineteen (in 1976). I immediately transferred to BYU, and later my entire family joined the church. I threw myself into church activity with such intensity and devotion that even my sister (who had encouraged me to join the church) was concerned over the complete change in my personality. In retrospect, it was really a loss of personality rather than a change. I no longer had any ideas or opinions of my own, every thought or belief I allowed myself had to be church approved. For example, although I had never had much interest in marriage and children previously, I now accepted that this would be my main purpose in life. Much to my dismay, after finishing my degree at BYU, although I had valiantly served the Lord in many time consuming callings and studied the scriptures daily, and prayed three times a day for twenty minutes at a time, the Lord did not see fit to bless me with a husband. Perhaps I needed to share my fervent testimony in the mission field first, I reasoned, and sub- mitted my papers.

I was delighted to be called to France, as I had studied the french language previously. I threw myself into my studies at the MTC with the same single minded fervor I had approached everything in Mormonism, and soon memorized all the lengthy lessons and was on my way to Toulouse. Perhaps a succesful, spirit filled mission was just the tonic my lack-luster life needed. Although I fulfilled every church requirement with exactness, I always felt an inner emptiness, a silent depression, for I knew I could never be good enough to earn God's stamp of approval. I used to have nightmares about waiting with tension at the end of the world, wondering if my name would be included among those to enter God's glory.

I certainly never felt the inner "peace of Christ" we were promised as faithful Mormons. I knew that I was going on a mission for the right reason. I only wanted to share the True Gospel, and was filled with the Book of Mormon stories of faithful missionaries converting thousands. France was known as a difficult mission, but that only strengthened my desire to be a mighty missionary, filled with faith, finding all those special spirits just waiting for us to have enough faith to find them and convert them to Mormonism.
Imagine my dismay when instead, I arrived in France to be told that my obedience was more valued than my faith, and to a senior companion who felt that it was her duty to constantly point out my faults. On top of that, the people of Bordeaux were NOT INTERESTED in our message. I wept every morning and night, and entered into a depression which lasted my entire mission, with varying degrees of severity. I called President Wheelwright and told him I needed to go home (this after 2 weeks in the field!) He convinced me to wait until our visiting General Authority (Brother Hale) came to inspire us with his guidance. My most vivid memory (backed up by my extensive journal entries) of Brother Hale's talk was that he berated us for being poor missionaries. The whole reason we could not convert people was due to our pitiful lack of faith. He berated the elders by insinuating that the sisters were far more faithful than they were (evidently to be compared poorly to a woman was his idea of the ultimate humiliation). I felt like crawling under my chair, for I knew that we could not be any better than the elders, for we were pitiful, too. We spent all day knocking on the doors of strangers, trying to spit out our pre-memorized introduction fast enough to beat the slamming doors. However, I decided to stick it out, even though I felt like the Lord was slaying my spirit. Perhaps this was to be my ultimate trial of faith that would finally earn me the peace of Christ.
I wept through those first few months, eventually being transferred to the beautiful southern city of Perpignan. I settled into the routine of knocking on endless doors, looking forward to any break in the monotony, even if it was just a district meeting with the elders. My inner depression was constant, and I sent home rambling letters expounding on my problems, "how could I earn the peace of Christ", and mentally debated the merits of suicide vs. admitting defeat and returning home. I once even got on the train (dragging along the ever present companion) and traveled to the mission back to the mission headquarters to convince President Wheelwright to let me go home.

He assigned me to his wife, and she took two days to convince me that if I went home, I was consigning myself to a lifetime of spiritual failure and inactivity within the church. Ironically, even though my devotion to the LDS faith had thus far only brought me depressions and low self-esteem, I still could not consider that perhapse the church itself was in err. I had built my adult life on the church, and the though of leaving it was too frightening to contemplate. So I stayed on, alternating between resigned depression and inner pep-talks (also based on the little book "Drawing on the Powers of Heaven", popular in the mission at that time). When my mission finally ended, I flew home expecting life to get better, only to drop into another deep depression where I began to consider that there was no God at all (I could not yet conceive of a God outside the realm of Mormonism, God was so tied up in the church, He could not exist outside it). I was counseled by the stake president and told to have stronger faith and everything would work out. I returned to Provo for a year, and finding no happiness there, either, finally came back to Virginia for good.

Within a year I married a recently returned missionary I had known for only three months (we had a feeling we were to be married, even though we barely knew each other). I began teaching and had 3 children in quick succession. He, unlike myself, had a happy mission, largely due to his ability to ignore rules, relax, and have fun. Ironically, he had many baptisms (stateside) vs. my 2 baptisms (which immediately fell away).

To my dismay, he continued his nonchalant attitude toward's the church's demands in our marriage (family prayer, home evening, scripture study, etc.). I felt certain he was failing our family as our priesthood leader, and that we would never "make it" to the celestial kingdom. This, combined with other problems due to our vastly different personalities (we had dated such a short time before marrying that we didn't realize we had nothing in common except the church), resulted in such marital stress I finally decided to see a "real" (non-LDS) counselor. Although that was frowned on in the church, I was in such a state of depression and spiritual angst that I felt I had no choice. Three children born within 4 years, teaching full time, numerous church callings, and a frequently absent husband due to his own work and church callings added up to immense stress. My counselor helped me to realize that I was seeing all of our problems through my own filter, and that sometimes reality and change depend on the ability to see clearly, outside of our own preconceptions. I did not stay in counseling long, but I learned enough to begin constantly praying that God would help me to "see things as they truly are, and not just as I believed them to be." I meant this in terms of my marital problems, but, perhaps inevitably, this attitude began to affect how I perceived my spiritual problems as well.

Mormons are so well trained to view any problem they may have with the church as their fault, since it could not possibly be the church's, that it is difficult to ever step out of that self-blame cycle. "If I were just a better person, if I just had more faith, etc. etc. I would have peace, I would be happy, etc. etc." Stepping out of that mindset took me several years.
Coincidently, (or not) at this time I happened upon the book "Emma Hale Smith - Mormon Enigma" in the library. Feeling "safe" since it was written by members, I checked it out. Thus began my long journey out of Mormonism.

I was truly shocked by what I read about Joseph Smith and his polygamous unions, which I had believed had been spiritual unions in name only, out of his respect for Emma's feelings against polygamy. Around the same time, I found Richard Van Wagoner's book "Mormon Polygamy" also in my library. I read each of these books over and over, taking notes and praying. I could not believe that God had sanctioned this mess. For example, did God tell married women to go ahead and marry another man (as a polygamous wife) while retaining the original husband as a cover? Did God tell Brigham Young that it was all right for a woman to leave her husband without a divorce, for a man with a higher calling in the church, since by marrying the man with the higher calling she was assuring for herself a greater degree of glory? Did God sanction the lying that went on to protect polygamy (which I was beginning to suspect had evolved more from Joseph's affection for women than from God's desire for... what? What desire of God could polygamy fulfill? Unlike most members believe, there was never a shortage of men in the LDS church. Even the leaders of the time admitted that.)

I could not yet doubt the truthfulness of the church, but I did begin to wonder if prophets make serious mistakes in guiding the church after all. Through anxious prayer (all of which was met with silence, except for vague feelings which I realized could have been my own, not God's) I finally came to the conclusion that the church was true, but prophets do make mistakes and polygamy was a big one.

However, (and I believe this is why the church teaches "once the prophet has spoken, the thinking is done" - to keep members from seriously analyzing the teachings of the prophets) once you open that door all sorts of other "mistakes" crop up. The Adam- God teaching, blood atonement, and racist teachings to name just a few. I had been in the church long enough and had studied enough to hear all those rumors, but had chosen to believe that they were just rumors based on Satan's lies. However, once I chose to believe that prophets could make mistakes, I began to study out those problems. I discovered that those, and many other outrageous doctrines actually were taught in the LDS church. I discovered the different, and conflicting, versions of the First Vision, as well as the historical problems with the Book of Mormon (which can be summed up shortly as "there ain't no way this stuff happened in real life!").

Shortly, I began to realize that what I was learning was making me seriously doubt that the church was the true church after all. But there could be no turning back. So I kept praying as I kept studying, pleading with God to let me know if indeed the church was true, despite all the evidence to the contrary. I talked with members about their faith, and found that most of the "absolute" testimonies they bear are really based on vague feelings (like mine had been) or on family tradition, or on the fact the church made sense to them (ie, the church as it portrays itself made sense).
After several years of study and prayer, I finally came to the inescapable conclusion that the LDS church was not the one true church at all.

Accepting this brought a certain amount of peace and relief (I felt relieved of the mental gymnastics I was performing to try to justify the church's history and doctrines). However, I also felt great sorrow and confusion. I had trusted God to lead me, I had built my life on Mormonism, I had spent my youth in its service, and look where it had gotten me. For some reason, I did not abandon my basic belief in God (as I once though I would if I ever discovered that the church wasn't true), so I kept searching , kept trying to make sense out of it all. It was at this point I could have benefited most from your site. I stopped attending the LDS church (my husband had also drifted into inactivity by this time). I felt drawn towards the same protestant churches I had once been taught to demean (regardless of what any Mormon apologist may profess about the church not criticizing other faiths, we ex-Mormons know that the founding tenet of Mormonism is that all other churches are false and do not have the power to save, drawing towards God with their lips only, and may even be, as Elder McConkie taught, the "whore on the water".)

Having been burnt once by authoritarian religion, I steered clear of fundamentalist groups which, to me, seemed as dogmatic as Mormonism. I wanted a church that could help me understand God without seeking to control my beliefs and thoughts through fear and domination. A friend suggested a nearby Episcopal church, and although all the attention to Christ felt strange at first, I quickly warmed to it. My priest constantly spoke of Christ's redemption, with the insinuation that His redemption was a gift given freely, one we could never earn. I began reading the Bible again, trying to understand it with my own mind, not the mind of Mormonism. I have come to believe and accept that grace, though nearly scorned in Mormonism, means more than "everyone resurrecting with a body". It means I can give up trying to make myself "good enough for God" because that is beyond my power. That is exactly why I never felt spiritual peace in all my years as a Mormon. Grace means God will take me as I am, broken and prone to sin, and heal me from the inside out.

I know that not all ex-Mormons agree with my interpretation of grace, but this is what has brought me peace. This is what I see as the greatest danger of Mormonism and other "top-down" authoritarian religions. When an earnest, sincere, God-seeking individual becomes involved with these various doctrines which teach that you have to earn your way to God, all sorts of abuses and mental problems can result. I lost the youthful personality and enjoyment of life I once had because I actually became addicted to religion, to the obsessive need to constantly measure my worth before God according to someone else's vision. I was so concerned about filling every point of the "law" (according to Mormon leaders) that there was no room for spirit.

This is why I think it is important for ex-Mormons (and ex-Witnesses, and ex-what-evers) to speak out, particularly as I see the LDS church pouring huge amounts of money into its public relations system. The public will be treated more and more to the sanitized version of Mormonism we see on Homefront commercials. We need to tell our side of the story, too.
I formally requested that my name be removed from the church rolls in the spring of 1995. I made the decision to be confirmed in the Episcopal church, although I have equal respect for those who choose to never join a church again. Any individual church will never have my single minded devotion again.

Although my still active family (and my husband's as well) have been very upset over my decision to leave the church and to bring up my children in another faith, I must commend them for still seeking to maintain positive relations with us. I only wish that one day they would be willing to consider Mormonism with an open mind. Although I can not push them in that regard, I must be ready to help them, or any of my former Mormon friends, if they ever come to that point. I am convinced that Mormonism (although I do not believe that its origins are Satanic, like some) is a very unhealthy system which breeds dependence and lack of original thought among its members, and is particularly devastating to women's self esteem. I do sincerely wish Mormons the peace of Christ, though I am convinced that it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to experience that peace within the confines of Mormonism.

To those of you currently experiencing the pain of leaving Mormonism, I do want to hold out hope. The pain does recede, your life will regain balance again. One day you will be able to let Mormonism go, one day the bitterness will end, and trust in God can return.

LEAVING THE MORMON CHURCH AFTER YEARS OF BEING A MORMON IS DIFFICULT

2006-04-27T16:05:00.000+01:00

I recently needed to know I wasn't alone when my wife and I woke up and realized the LDS church indoctrinates its members with many false teachings. I won't give you another life travel log, but thought I'd instead demonstrate why I think it is so difficult to leave the Mormon faith.
I've been going through a post-Mormon experience with my wife and family for about 4 months now [May 1996] (it was completely unexpected, at least for us). My wife and kids have been able to adjust well to a Christian life during this time. However, I've continued to struggle off-and-on with how I could have such strong beliefs that the LDS church is false yet still have the Church continually on my mind.

Ironically, most non-Mormons wonder why my exodus has affected me so deeply. They figure, "If it Mormonism was working for your family, what was the problem?" (A lot of Mormons have said the same thing.) It seems that the former Mormon has very few people who understand.
I wrote down some thoughts about the Mormon perspective. This has helped me see why it's so difficult to leave the LDS church. These points are all official doctrines of the Church and perspectives that are regularly ingrained into the membership. What blows me away now is that maintaining just a couple of these perspectives often keeps a Mormon in the Church. Imagine (I guess you already have) how difficult it is to recover from a few of these faulty perspectives, let alone all of them!

As a Mormon you believe that (in no particular order)...
Historical facts and opinions which go contrary to official Mormon teachings are by definition false and unworthy of study because they do not promote the your faith in the Church.
The final test of truthfulness is if you feel good about an issue ("burning in the bosom", warmth, elation).

Joseph Smith has done more for you and all of mankind than anyone, except Jesus Christ.

The Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price, and D&C never contradict themselves or the Bible. They are all in perfect agreement. You accept at least one of the various explanations of the Church leaders.

The Bible has been altered by evil and inept men and is therefore unreliable (on its own) as the final word on Christian doctrine.

Having been to the temple, you are 95% percent of the way to the Celestial Kingdom and Godhood. You just need to endure to the end.

The secret temple ceremony is the same as was practiced in ancient Israel (and maybe even in the pyramids of Egypt, according to some Mormon apologetics). The Masons received elements of the ceremonies through an uninterrupted chain of masons, beginning with the masons of the temple of Solomon. God told Joseph Smith how to perform the ceremonies after Joseph saw the Masons do something similar.

The Church's doctrinal stance of polygamy, blacks and the priesthood, and the nature of God haven't changed in any significant way over the years since the Church began. For that matter, not a single significant doctrinal issue has changed.

It's OK for God to encourage man to commit deceit as he did when telling Abraham (in the Mormons' Book of Abraham) to deceive Pharaoh about his wife Sarah. God can do whatever he wants through his servants, even if it involves deceit. Joseph Smith (and more recent Apostles) has said that what is wrong in one circumstance can sometimes be, and often is, right under another. (Note: A very conservative Mormon may even assert that Abraham did not deceive Pharaoh in any way, and thereby brush aside having to deal with the issue.)

Non-Mormons belong to the Church of the Devil as it states in 2 Nephi, even (especially?) those that profess Christianity.

When an Apostle or Prophet says something that is accepted to be true, he is directly inspired by God. When he says something that turns out to be false, he was speaking as a man. But either way, it's no matter to you. These men will never lead you astray.

And you believe that...
The Book of Mormon is true and Joseph Smith was a prophet, and, since it comes from the Church, the Church and all its doctrines must be true.

OR

The Church must be true because it has had a good influence on your family. This helps you accept its official history and doctrines as being the truth.

The unique doctrines and ceremonies that you have as a Mormon are mandatory for the Godhood, to which you aspire. Without these things, you'd be kicking yourself for the eternities saying something like, "If only I had fully accepted the doctrine of the LDS Church, then I could have become a God."

Hypothetically, if the LDS church weren't true, no other organization could possibly have truth since you already believe that they are all false (interesting logic, eh). If the Mormon church is false, then you are convinced that all churches devoid of truth.

Any opposing forces to the Church help prove to you that the Church must be true, especially in light of the Book of Mormon teachings on opposition.

Anything written by a former Mormon must be false or, at best, unreliable. Bottom line, you believe that former Mormons have evil intentions.

Former Mormons leave the Church because of serious sin. Those who leave the Church in reality know that the Church is true and are liars just like the Book of Mormon anti-Christs.

You have so many authorized Church books to read and Church jobs to do that you don't have time or inclination to read any information that may go contrary to the Church.

Even if the Mormon church weren't true, it teaches good values to your family and that's good enough.

A RETURNED MISSIONARY AND STILL A MORMON TELLS HIS STORY

2006-04-27T14:03:00.000+01:00

My parents converted to the church when I was five. My younger brother and I were both baptized when we were eight years old. I went through the regular routine that we all did as kids. I was called to be president of all three Aaronic Priesthood Quorums. I was a seminary student and received the Outstanding Seminary Student Award for four years straight. Having always done quite well in school, I had the desire to pursue medicine as a career. I, therefore, left to attend Harvard University after my senior year in high school. Although many people speak out against a young Mormon boy attending any other school than BYU, I felt that the preparation I would receive at the world's greatest academic institution would help me to make a greater contribution to the world as a future physician. Anyway, when I was 19, I reluctantly put my education on hold to serve a mission. I was really discouraged to leave since I had a girlfriend at the time and she wasn't Mormon. I left to please my parents, although I never had a really strong testimony of the Gospel. When I entered the MTC [the Mormon run Missionary Training Center] in 1991, I was completely blown away. The rigid structure of things made me crazy at first.

Like many others whose stories I have read about, I felt as if my faith was lacking since I didn't feel the way many of the other Utah and Idaho farm boys felt about the church. I thought I was going to die at times. In the MTC, my girlfriend stopped writing me. I tried to hide this fact from the other missionaries whose girlfriends wrote on a bi- or tri-weekly basis. I stuck it out and cried silently in the bathroom at night (the only place I could get away from my companion). I continued to write to her, as I normally did, and also wrote to my parents explaining to them the difficulty of my situation. I did not have a strong testimony of Joseph Smith, nor did I know that the Book of Mormon was true. Anyways, I stuck it out and "endured till the end."

When it came time for me to leave, I felt great that my mission was finally here. I hated the MTC, as many of my companions did, and felt that things would change in the field. At first, things were incredibly difficult. My girlfriend sent me back everything I gave her and said she couldn't bear waiting two years for me. I hated my mission (Osaka, Japan), and the people who rejected us like the plague. But I stuck through it because I loved the Lord, and I knew that I wanted these people to know about Him. I realized that baptisms would not come easily in this 99% Buddhist society, so I focused upon service work. We visited elderly homes, helped farmers plant rice, cleaned local storm drains, etc. I began to love what I was doing, namely, helping others. While preaching the gospel was still my main concern, I knew that service was immediate and that setting an example was more powerful than preaching "fire and brimstone."
I left my mission with good feelings about what I had done. I did not baptize a single soul while I was in Japan. However, I handed out over 1000 copies of the Book of Mormon, blessed the sick, and knocked on thousands of doors (our only means of proselyting since members could not refer us to others in fears of jeopardizing their business relationships).

When I returned to Harvard in 1993, I was very active in the singles' ward activities. I was called to the Sunday School Presidency and was assigned to be the President of the LDSSA. However, the belief that could never escape me was the close-mindedness of the LDS members. I see this especially in reading some the responses to your web-page by members of the church. I couldn't bear the fact that all of my friends were going to be left out of exaltation because they did not go through the repetitions that I did. Many, if not most of the missionaries I encountered on my mission were doing it to "put in their time." This kind of bothered me while I was there. I sincerely believed in what I was doing. I was not doing it so that I could go home and score women at BYU. I was not doing it for my parents who love me regardless of what I do. I was doing it because I felt that the Lord wanted me to do it.

To make a long story short, I stopped going to church exactly a year after I returned from my mission. I could not bear to waste my time with people who regard themselves as superior and self-righteous. Jesus said, "by their fruits, yea shall know them." I did not see any fruits in most of the Mormons I knew, nor did I want to live like them anymore.

Unlike what many may think, I did not make my decisions because I committed some egregious and unpardonable sin. I continue to like the Word of Wisdom, Law of Chastity, and read the Book of Mormon and Bible on a daily basis. I do, however, believe in reason and the fact that the Mormon Church puts this aside really bothers me. Furthermore, the fact that many people in the Church exploit their callings my taking power-trips by stating that their word is the word of god also bothers me. In general, I consider myself a Christian who respects all that is good in the Mormon church, but fails to see results in its members. I feel bad for all those who have been persecuted by Mormons, for I know that I does go on. My parents have been subject to the maladies of gossip that takes place in every ward. My father believes that all humans are imperfect, but that should not discredit the church. I agree!! However, why should I continue to go to church when I feel sick in my stomach to see young adults treating Sacrament Meeting as a meat-market.

I continue to pray daily and strive to draw nearer to god. I want to live a life like the Savior did by healing the sick and afflicted as a physician. I find it impossible to believe that my confusion and disdain for the church puts me in disfavor with the Lord, for I am only trying to live a live like He did. I continue to strive to set a good example, and serve others like I did on my mission. If the fact that I wish to spend Sundays on the beach reflecting on the teachings of the Savior, rather than in church trying to meet girls, or catching up on the latest gossip, condemns me in the next life, than I guess I'd rather not be in whatever place the members imagine heaven to be.

I do believe that Salvation is your own. I have made it my own quest. I know God lives and Jesus is my Savior. I don't need anyone telling me how I should practice this belief. Maybe someday I'll go back to church.. or maybe I won't. I will, however, always have my memories of the good and bad that I have been subjected to as a Mormon, and no one can ever take that from me.

Note: Not all Mormons are as described. I have met many good people in the church, who I feel are good people by nature as are the multitudes of jerks I've come across. They, like myself, do not need a church to live a Christ- like life.

TEA ANYONE?

2006-04-27T13:51:00.001+01:00

I was born into the Mormon church. My father and mother were married in the Salt Lake Temple, and my mother grew up in Salt Lake City. I am one of five children (all of which are still mormons but me). My older brother is even a scientist, one would think he would question. But they all believe blindly like sheep.

I never really bought into the whole thing. When I was about five years old our family went to my fathers office picnic. The only beverage there was iced tea! It was a hot summer day, and it looked good. When my family wasn't looking I filled up a dixie cup full of that sinful iced tea and ran into the woods. I drank it down fast and then waited to die! After about ten minutes nothing happened, of course, and I ran off to play. I never told anyone of my experience but they couldn't brain wash me after that.

I got pregnant and had a baby when I was 18. My parents sent me to live in a foster home (Mormon), and I was basically their maid, and they didn't even let me eat meals with them. It was the worst experience of my life! Of course to make things even worse I kept the baby and he was half black!!! Although the church had found an inter-racial Mormon couple in Arizona that they wanted to give my baby to. They were so furious when I said NO!!! They had done this even when I said from the beginning that I was going to keep my baby!!!

It has taken me 17 years to recover.

My son is now 16 years old. He is a straight A student, the star of his high school baseball team, and he has a very high self esteem. I am financially secure, and have great friends, and am happy. However, to this day my family still believes we are doomed. They continue to send the missionaries to my house. Whenever I move they transfer my church records to the current ward. I have told them time and time again to stop but they won't. They feel that if they keep trying I will return to the fold. My older sister who lives 1000 miles away continues to call to tell me about these great (Mormon) men she wants me to meet. They just won't give up! My mothers response to my happiness, and my sons is due to the devil. "The devil gives blessings too" is what she says when I tell her I'm happy. One time due to my complaints to the missionaries, home teachers etc. that I was not a Mormon, they sent some men to my door one night (I do not think they were missionaries-must of been a bishop or one of them). They had some kind of document for me to sign. When I answered the door they said they were from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and that they needed my signature and I would be sent to Satan. I do not remember the exact words but it was enough for me to shut the door in their faces! I felt that they didn't even deserve a second of my time.

I have downloaded several documents from the Internet about the church, temple ceremonies etc., I wish I had the courage to send copies to all of my family but they probably wouldn't even read them. Reading them has been a comfort to me and validation of my own beliefs. I never knew any factual things about the untruths of the church growing up, but after the iced tea event, I didn't need them.

A DESCENDANT FROM A MORMON PROPHET TELLS US WHY SHE LEFT

2006-04-27T13:47:00.001+01:00

I left Mormonism 10 years ago, and I still find there are times when the web of half truths and literal deceit try to threaten and disturb my peace of mind. I am even finding it difficult to write this letter.

Right now, it is as if I have a point at which I cannot think straight, and to try to express my feelings is almost impossible. I reach the foggy state of mind that some have spoken of in their stories of leaving the LDS church. For me, it was quite a journey. I am a great-great granddaughter of Wilford Woodruff, and though I was raised more a cultural Mormon, not an active Mormon, I became very active when my husband and I were married. The Temple, the callings, the whole nine yards. I literally came to the point that although I was struggling with inconsistencies, I CHOSE to not listen to my conscience - I chose to believe what I did not rationally believe.

That is almost more dangerous than one who "grows up" with a testimony. At that point, I shut the door to light and truth, locked it, and I threw away the key. Nevertheless, The Lord kept whispering to me, and still I did not listen. I wanted so badly to believe in the "perfect" Mormon ideal of family. I was miserable. When my son was 7 years old, the doubts were by then pounding at the door to be let out. I was so unhappy, but I did not believe I could ever be free from Mormonism. I thought I was doomed to struggle forever. I looked at my sweet, happy little boy, knowing that in a short while, he would be turning 8, and would have to be baptized. I remember the moment that the key I had thrown away was given back to me. I knew that I had given in to this life of anguish, but I would not, as a mother, do the same to my child. I would not sentence him to this life of imprisonment.

That is when I knew I would leave the church. I did not at that time even know what the Bible said about God. I didn't know all of the documentation that proves J.S. was a hoax, and that the Mormons are still covering up the changes, and the lies. I just knew that though I may struggle the rest of my life with the fear of their power over me, I would not, could not, sentence my innocent child to the same anguish. Does it ever get completely resolved? I still struggle, and I get so frightened of their power over my mind, because I let them have such power at one time. I am a Christian, and have been since that glorious day - I pray every day for the strength to see clearly what I know is the truth about Mormonism - that it is a cult, and a masquerader of Christianity.

I guess because I "let" them have so much power over my thoughts for all those years, I literally chose to disregard my own screams from inside my soul, that I still have times (not always) where I struggle with "Oh my God, what if I'm wrong and they're right". I tell you, I'd really rather the Lord take me home now, then ever face that kind of subjugation and misery again. I have found great comfort in the research of Jerald and Sandra Tanner. I stay away from hysterical books such as God Makers, because that particular author has an ax to grind. I clearly support and encourage and seek out factual documentation, and am always adding to my research library.....

I was just talking to [another family member], who by the way, left Mormonism about a year after I did, and we were talking about some of the weird stuff that went on in the Temple. She said her knees started to shake, and she realized she had never spoken to anyone about her experience before. We compared notes, and shared how frightened we both were, and then had some good laughs. The laugh was caused when she recounted how frightened she was that she was going to forget her "name", and in fact, she had to raise her hand and stand when they called for anyone who had forgotten their name to come forward. Her (then) husband was very critical and unforgiving and she knew how embarrassed she had made him. She wanted to crawl into a hole. Then she said to me, as she was telling this story, "if only I could have remembered the name without having to let everyone know".

I laughed. I looked at her, and said, "Honey, you could have asked the lady sitting next to you, and she would have been able to tell you". You should have seen the look on her face when she realized that all these years she had thought each person in each session in each temple in the world all had a different name for that day.

We cracked up. Then she said how funny it was to look over at her husband in "full dress" - he looked like a Chef. So yes, we did laugh, and yes, it was good for both of us! Honestly, it's kind of scary to think that I can actually talk and share with someone who has been there and knows how I feel.

GROWING UP IN MORMONISM AND BECOMING A CHRISTIAN

2006-04-27T12:52:00.001+01:00

I was born a Mormon, in England. I don't remember many details about my early life, but I do know that when I was young, my father was tried and convicted of child pornography. He had been a teacher. My parents got divorced, and when my father got out of jail he vanished. When you're young, you don't really understand that this is unusual; you just accept. I think I was five or six when this happened; I'm not too sure. I've since found out that my oldest brother was sexually abused by my father somewhere along the line. Anyone who thinks Mormon families are immune to this sort of dysfunctionality is kidding themselves.

When I was seven or so, my mother met a Mormon man who was in the US Air Force. They were quickly engaged and married, and this man (the only person I think of as my "father") loves each of us from my mother's first marriage very much. This is not to say we haven't had our disagreements--when I was a teenager, I considered my dad somebody best avoided. But recently we've become a lot closer. Of course, I'm skipping ahead a little bit, so I'd better back up some.

All my life, I had attended church--Primary, Sunday School, Young Men, Boy Scouts, the whole bit. I believed everything I had been told, as I'd never heard anything else. When I was 13, I was called to be Deacon Quorum President--most of the other deacons weren't even remotely serious about anything church-related. I tried hard to be the best Mormon, and expected to go on a mission when I was 19.

I guess while I was in high school things got a little weird. By the time I was 14, I was very much into computers (still am, I guess) and I realized I didn't have a whole lot in common with the other guys my age. The first church activity I stopped was Boy Scouts. My parents tried to encourage me to get back into Boy Scouts; when I told them I wasn't really interested in anything the Scouts routinely did (mainly getting together on Wednesday nights and screwing around for a couple of hours doing nothing) they suggested I try to integrate computers and Scouting. At the time, the Boy Scouts' idea of a computer merit badge was learning about punchcards and flowcharting. I understand this has changed now, but at that time I was already writing games in BASIC, so I didn't see a lot of common ground. Campouts were still fun, and I went on those, but the routine Boy Scout stuff was over for me.

The next thing that suffered was my Seminary studies. The first two years I was serious about it. I read everything I was supposed to read, finished all the home-study booklets (they didn't offer early morning Seminary in our ward), learned the scripture chase passages dutifully. But my junior year in high school, I just didn't care. I blew off all of the homework, although I still studied the scripture chase. (That was just memorization--I could handle that easily and compete well.) That year, my school studies also went down the tubes. I'd always been a straight-A student, but my junior year I began flunking school classes in a big way. I think I actually flunked three courses, completely. My parents couldn't understand what had happened to their "good kid", but they never stopped loving me and trying to get me to behave better. All the expectations were that I would still go on a mission, but now I wasn't so sure. I didn't see a mission fitting in with any plans to go to college--even though those plans were pretty much shot by my shoddy academic performance, I just couldn't imagine myself a Mormon missionary, when I could be going to school. But I sort of kept this to myself.

While in my senior year in high school, my father got orders to go to Germany, two months before my graduation--assuming I didn't flunk this year too, which was possible. My older two brothers and my older sister had already moved out, but I was only 17 and I wanted to finish high school. My parents and I agreed that I would stay in the US with another Mormon family in the Omaha area (where we had moved to eight years before). My younger sister, 15, would also stay in the area and complete her remaining two years of high school. My parents worried, but they knew that if anything serious happened, my older sister was still around, one of my older brothers was only as far away as Little Rock, and the church was there.

Well, the family I moved in with had three boys. The oldest was basically a psychotic hellion of about 8 years old. Part of the deal my parents had arranged with the family I was staying with was that I would babysit these children. Well, this child made babysitting very difficult. Shortly after I arrived there this child was hospitalized to try to determine why he was such a messed-up kid. After weeks of analysis, of having the child claim he heard demonic voices telling him to misbehave, of them wondering if he had multiple personalities, if he was schizophrenic, or what. When the Air Force decided to stop paying for this treatment, the hospital released him back into his parents' care. He was "better" for about a week; then he was back to his normal self. "Normal" meant that if he wanted attention, he would sit on the stairs and scream at the top of his lungs, endlessly. I was supposed to ignore this behavior, or tell him to take a "time-out", but this was about as effective as it sounds (not very). Unfortunately for me, I began to get a bit creative in my methods of dealing with this child. Once I tied his hands together and told him I wouldn't let him go until he shut up. Another time I showed him a morning star that I had. (For those of you who don't know, a morning star is a medieval weapon consisting of a thick, heavy stick with a chain at one end.

On the free end of the chain is a massive, heavy, spiked ball. It is a weapon meant to kill in a brutal fashion.) After several weeks we all went to "family counseling"; this child then told the counselor about these incidents. The counselor saw this child once a week for an hour (and he was normally impeccably mannered during this hour) so he no doubt thought my actions were completely unwarranted. They probably were, but if I'd been allowed to spank this child, I probably wouldn't have had to get creative. Nevertheless, I digress... the counselor had a social worker come by and inform this family that either I moved out or they took the child away. The family kicked me out, of course. (Later I heard that the father had molested his children, but there was never any evidence and I do not know if this was true. Even if not, this was hardly the "ideal" Mormon family.)

By this time I'd managed to (barely) graduate from high school. I'd somehow, probably on the basis of my ACT score, managed to acquire a full-tuition scholarship to the University of Nebraska at Omaha (UNO). I enrolled in school, found a cheap place to live, and kept my job at McDonald's to pay for it all. Since I had no car, I found it enormously convenient to stop going to church. I'd already stopped most other church activities while staying with this other family, but once on my own I never felt much desire to go to church. Sometimes my older sister would have a Sunday off (she was manager at a local Hardee's) and she would pick me up to go to church, but not very often. After a while I dropped out of school, and a few months later I quit my job in a fit of depression. A member of the church let me stay with him while I looked for another job, but after several months I still could not get a job.

Meanwhile, the family my younger sister was staying with had fared no better. The father had an affair, which just about ripped the family apart. (The perfect Mormon family strikes again.) My sister moved in with another family and fared much better for a while. My older sister decided she wasn't getting anywhere, and decided to join my parents in Germany. Since I had no job, and didn't think I'd be able to get one easily, I decided to go as well. Shortly after arriving in Germany, my older sister discovered that she was pregnant, from her long-time boyfriend. (I guess Mormon kids aren't really any better than other kids after all.)

So there I was in Germany, stuck on an air base in the middle of nowhere. We used to have a joke about Hahn AB: sure, it's only an hour away from anything interesting--at LEAST an hour away. Sure, you could walk off the air base any time you wanted to--but unless you spoke German (I don't), you wouldn't get very far. The only real thing to do was to be active in church, and the Mormon church certainly knew how to keep people busy, to forget how isolated they were. I was active in church again. I sang in the choir. I even started planning to go on a mission. (There was, after all, little else to do.) I met a great young woman. Life was good, and getting better.

But something happened. Somehow I never actually went on the mission. When it came time for that interview with the Bishop, where he asked me if I believed the things the Mormon church teaches (the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith, etc.) I could not tell him that I had ever had that "burning conviction" that the "gospel" was true. So I told him that, although I had never had that feeling, that somehow I had always known it was true. What I was really saying was that I had always accepted that it was true, for no other reason than I had always been taught that it was true and that I couldn't conceive of such a large organization being false and nobody in the Mormon church knowing about it. (Okay, I was naive, but I was only 19.) I felt bad that I'd never had that conviction.

I'd read the Book of Mormon, and prayed about it... but never really felt anything. I'd stood up in Testimony meetings and borne "my" testimony, hoping that somehow I'd get one--always having been told that bearing your testimony made it stronger--but I never did. But I thought I wanted to go on a mission, so I said what I had to say.

The more I thought about it, about going for two years away from anything computer-related, the more I thought it was nutty. I had just started writing software that people were starting to notice, and things were getting better for me. At first I was heady at the thought that I was going to throw it all away, to sacrifice my future to advance the Mormon church--what could better prove that I believed the gospel, that I knew it was true? But the more I thought about it, and the closer I got to actually sending in that application, the more I thought it was lunacy to go on a mission for something I didn't believe in. I never went. I kept going to church, but nobody ever mentioned me going on a mission.

Incidentally, that nice young woman I met eventually left and, while in England, married a "good" Mormon man. This man physically abused her, beating her, and they were soon divorced. When I spoke with her last (a few years ago) she still had a difficult time talking about it. Another wonderful Mormon marriage...

When I was 21, I returned to the US and got a job in Texas, doing computer programming for a small company. Once again, I had no car; it was convenient not to go to church. Somehow I didn't miss it. I was living in such a remote location in Texas that the church didn't even try to contact me, although my parents suggested many times that I try to contact the church in the area. I didn't see the need.

In 1994, the company I worked for hired a new person. This company was so small that all three employees lived in the boss's extra house; one of us was completely intolerable to be with. So the new employee, Bryan, and I would frequently absent ourselves from the house and walk around the back country of Texas. Since we had plenty of time to talk, I decided this would be an opportune time to "preach the gospel" to Bryan.

We began by comparing religions. Bryan had been raised Christian, attended church all his life, and had been a pretty good kid. He explained Christianity to me according to the Bible, and I explained Christianity to him according to Mormon doctrine. There were numerous differences, to say the least. I was fairly certain in my convictions, and Bryan discovered that he was not certain enough of what HE believed to effectively "witness" to me.

After a short time, Bryan returned to his parents' home in Florida to retrieve some items he had stored there. Upon his return, his pastor had sent with him some information about "Mormonism" and why it wasn't Christian. Bryan began to relay bits and pieces of this information to me, things I couldn't answer. I'd never heard of the Adam-God doctrine, or the King James translation errors that appear in the Book of Mormon (from Joseph Smith plagiarizing from the Word of God and not quoting the King James correctly), or the fact that numerous changes had been made to all of the church's official "scriptures". I had no way to answer the charges he put before me. I had never been convinced that the Mormon church was really TRUE, but slowly I was becoming convinced that it had to be FALSE.

Early in 1995 Bryan and I left the company we had been working for and moved to Florida to start our own business. While staying at his parents' house, his parents shared some more information with me on the fallacies of the Mormon church. I was fairly certain by then that the Mormon church was completely wrong, but I was so frustrated with religion that I was cautious of accepting ANY religious sect as true, just so that I'd "have religion". My Book of Mormon lay closed and dusty; my weekly Church News (a Christmas gift from my parents) was routinely deposited in the trash. For a while I sort of floundered, not really sure exactly what to believe, but I knew there was a God, and that Jesus Christ died for my sins. I remember a conversation regarding religion I had with some young women at the time. Although most of those around us (we were at a wedding) were Christian, none of us at the table professed any firm convictions on the matter. All I knew was that the Mormon church was completely and totally wrong.

I had started attending church with Bryan, irregularly, and thought that perhaps there might be something there. I was distrustful, though, because I knew that so many "churches" taught nothing but fluff. Fortunately for me, Bryan attends a conservative, biblical church, where the Word of God is actually taught. I started attending weekly Bible study there, and over the course of several months, the Holy Spirit moved me to trust Jesus Christ alone for my salvation.

I don't feel bitter or angry towards the Mormon church, perhaps because I'm still young (24), and perhaps because I haven't had the harassment others have reported on leaving the Mormon church. Occasionally I receive letters from my "home teachers" in the local Mormon ward, asking me to join them in some ward activity. So far I have ignored these invitations, although I have decided if they send another, I'll respond politely, but firmly explaining that I am Christian and not Mormon, and that I am as interested in the Mormon church only as much as I'm interested in any other unsaved person.

My parents do not yet know I have left the Mormon church. I'm not entirely sure how to tell them, or my brothers and sisters and their spouses, who are all Mormon. My oldest brother claims to have left the Mormon church, but when my sister pressed him about his testimony of the Book of Mormon, he was unwilling to completely repudiate the book. I suspect he left the Mormon church only because his wife is not Mormon, and it would be inconvenient for him to be an active member, but I cannot say for sure.

Since becoming Christian, I have been amazed at the gross errors and falsehoods found in Mormonism. I'm still accumulating material on the Mormon church, mainly to try to convince my parents to leave it. I am constantly stunned at the brazen lies told by the Mormon church, its revision of its own history, and how they backpedal and retreat from positions no longer convenient to them. I have to wonder, at what level in the Mormon hierarchy do the people actually know that the whole thing is a sham?

Damien M. Jones

WHY THIS LADY LEFT MORMONISM

2006-04-27T12:51:00.001+01:00

I would like you to keep my anonymity, for reasons of my employment.
My experience may not be as traumatic as some of those on your website, but I have been perplexed by the tenacity of the members of the Mormon church. As a friend of mine put it, 'they are relentless'.

I have never been a church going person. As of June, 1995, my knowledge of scripture was limited to my childhood memories...

I decided I was interested in reading the bible and other religious scripture. I enlisted the help of several friends who had often invited me to go to church with them, and I did visit a number of churches.

I became interested in reading the book of Mormon. At that time, I had no idea how controlling and authoritarian those people could be. They told me I would not be able to understand the book by simply reading it, that they would like to 'visit me and explain the book to me'. Had they been vacuum sales-people, I suppose that would have been the proverbial foot in the door.

Their explanation soon became a series of 6 lessons, which I agreed to receive at a rate of one a week. They were very quick to tell me most people have all the lessons in one week.

During that time, I was avidly reading the book, and finding the text familiar. Now I realize that the 'familiarity' some feel when first reading the book stems from the fact that significant portions of the book are actually paraphrases from the New Testament.

By the fifth lesson I had visited the church on Sunday twice. At that point, my intentions were only to continue to visit the church.

On the sixth lesson, the missionary boldly insisted that I 'set a date' for my baptism, and suggested the next Sunday. I told him I would have to think about it. He gave me one more week to think. Then they proceeded to call me every day of the week. I gave in, as they re-assured me that the content of the lessons was 'all that is needed for baptism'.

I was to soon find out that their theology was to be revealed in small installments, perhaps to make it digestible, and that all the priesthood holders believed they had authority over me.

I went to church for a total of six-seven weeks after my baptism. They were very quick to find all sorts of assignments and other activities to occupy my time. Everything was done in haste, as to not allow me time to think. I remember when they set me apart to give me a calling. It appeared to me they had no intention of explaining to me what my duties would be until after I accepted. I explained that my job is very demanding timewise and I was hesitant to make that type of commitment. They insisted that I take the calling, as they needed to announce in the meeting half an hour later. After the sacrament meeting, somebody simply told me to be at a certain place on Tuesday at 6 p.m. I remember her shocked expression when I said that I would not be able to make it due to my work schedule. Two or three weeks went by and I decided not to act on my calling until they gave me the description of my duties in writing, they did not appreciate that. I had no intentions of accepting assignments and duties they 'made up' as they went along.

During this period, I started becoming acquainted with some of their queer beliefs, which hardly makes the religion Christian.

The last straw was drawn when they expected me to offer my testimony. The missionaries had taught me that a person should create their own prayers, as opposed to repeating prayers as the catholics do, 'After all, wouldn't God become bored after hearing the same set of words all the time?'

I find it odd, however, that hearing 'this is the one true church', 'Joseph Smith is a prophet of God', or 'the book of Mormon is true' repeated by millions of member does not bore God. I believe these phrases are senseless, if one believes they are true, let him be a Mormon. If one does not believe they are true, let him not be a Mormon. Simple as that. That Sunday, however, after a few members had recited their chorus line, it appeared everybody's eyes were on me. I did not get up. Immediately following the closing prayer, the missionary came to shake my hand and said, very loudly: 'our friend here needs to give her testimony'. I decided not to come back.

I was absent from church on Sunday for two weeks, a few members called me saying they were 'concerned'. That is actually a code word. They were simply coercing me into coming to church. I was naive enough to think they were worried about my health and reassured them I was in good health. On the third Sunday, I was out of town. They called and left messages on my answering machine. I came back home very late and did not return any calls. The next day, three officials from the church came to my place of work, but visitors must state the reason for their visit and personal visitors are not allowed at my work place. By that evening, they had called one of my bosses because 'they were concerned'. I was furious, I had never known such maniacs.

I called the bishop and told him I was not returning to church, but other members continue to call me or come to my home.

I will now try to outline some of their arguments and my attitude towards them:

Argument 1: Aren't you going to honour the covenant made with God to keep the Sabbath?

Well, I was not aware I made this covenant, so it is not valid. Those maniacs wanted to bring the sacrament to my house. I refused.

Argument 2: You have to accept all the precepts of our theology, there are many things no one understands. If you still do not understand, pray about it.

I don't have a problem with anyone's theology. I believe people get used to the doctrine they are taught, and convince themselves they believe it (--possibly by praying). It just happens that I do not believe God is an alien living in Kolob, that people may become gods, that I owe obedience to any church authority, finally, not being a racist, I do not believe blacks or Amerindians became dark through punishment by God.

Argument 3: This is the only true church.

This is hardly Mormonism's claim to fame. So say catholics, seventh-day adventists, moonies, etc...

Argument 4: The church does a lot of good to many people.

So does UNICEF, the Red Cross and countless other religious charities.

Argument 5: We love you and we want you.

So do my kittens.

I will soon ask them to drop my name from their list.

FORMER LDS LADY TELLS US HER STORY

2006-04-27T12:07:00.002+01:00

I joined the church at age 8 with my family. My parents were trying to salvage their marriage and they thought that perhaps the church might help them. Unfortunately, they were beyond help and eventually divorced. Over a period of time, all my family members stopped going except me. I found acceptance at church and as long as I could get a ride, my mother let me keep attending.

I attended early morning seminary for five years, studying the scriptures and church history with other kids. (I lived in a small town in West Texas and there weren't enough students to have a class unless eighth graders were allowed to attend, so I started a year early.) I also attended MIA classes and sunday meetings, serving as sunday school teacher, class president, etc. During this time, I dreamed of going to BYU and getting married in the temple.

Upon graduation, I desperately wanted to attend Ricks College. My parents were opposed to this, so I was forced to attend my first year of college in my home town where my father still lived. (By this time, my mother had remarried a man in the Air Force and they were stationed elsewhere.) I saved my money and got my parents to agree that I could go to BYU the next year.

I attended BYU and held various callings in my wards. I attended most devotionals and firesides, trying very hard to obey all the commandments. I didn't date very much although I wanted to. Some of my roommates didn't either, so I always had friends to do things with. We were all average-looking women with reasonable intelligence. You know the type--the "sweet spirits?" That was us.

Needless to say, I graduated without getting married. I moved to a small town in Utah where I taught school. I dated much more thaan I ever had at BYU, but still didn't meet the man of my dreams. I entertained the idea of going on a mission several times and came to believe that I would never marry till I had served in this way. On the other hand, I had never received a burning of the bosom or anything despite much prayer and study. I didn't feel I could honestly say I knew the church was true, so I decided not to go.

After five years of teaching school, I decided to leave teaching. I went back to graduate school at the University of Utah. By this time, I was 27 years old. Most of the people in my classes were already married or much younger. As a result, I didn't date much then either. I attended a singles ward and tried hard to take advantage of opportunities to meet eligible young men. However, most of the men who were the right age were already taken. There were a few interesting men available, but the competition for them in a singles ward made up largely of women was very heavy. The "sweet spirits" were rarely successful. Still I continued to attend, hoping Mr. Right might come around at any time. I accepted callings, attended meetings, and tried to obey the commandments, constantly praying that I could be married in the temple as I knew I should be. I began to be disillusioned with some of the ideas of the church, but still believed it to be true.

During this time, I continued to feel that I would never be blessed with marriage until I served a mission. I made bargains with the Lord, promising to do certain things if he would only send my "one and only" to me and if he would let me know the church was true. Since I could never seem to achieve Moroni's promise of the burning in my bosom, I thought something was wrong with me and that God didn't love me anymore. I secretly thought that perhaps I had done something so horrible, God had already relegated me to outer darkness. But then some other prayer would be answered, so I then thought I just hadn't shown God I deserved a testimony. I was eventually called to be relief society president for my singles ward and I told the first counselor that I was not sure my testimony was up to that calling. He told me that serving as relief society president would help my testimony grow stronger.

After a few years in the singles ward, the church came out with the idea of sending singles back to their home wards if they were over 30. Although I had enjoyed serving as relief society president for my singles ward, I welcomed the idea of going back. I didn't feel my testimony was any stronger. I was even more disillusioned with the church and began to seriously entertain the idea of leaving. I returned to my home ward, attended for about six months and then finally decided (after much soul searching) that the problem of gaining a testimony was not with me, but with the church. I stopped attending and became inactive.

I tried to sort out my feelings about the church for several years. I was still living in Utah though and whenever I saw former BYU friends or people who knew me as a relief society president, I felt guilty. I decided that to be free of the church and to be truly objective, I needed to leave the state. At this time, I was 35 years old. I found a job in another western state and moved.

I did not visit my new home ward and tried to fade into the woodwork. I was successful, except my new boss was LDS. However, he never tried to get me to come back to church and for that, I have great admiration for him. He now has a leadership position in the stake, but he still doesn't try to push his beliefs on me.

About five months ago, I wrote to have my name removed from the church records. I have not yet received confirmation that this has happened. I expect to be writing again to the bishop in a few weeks, asking again. I am confident now that the church really isn't true. When I left the church, my vision really broadened and I could entertain ideas I had never considered before. I feel sad in some ways that I wasted so much time in a religion that caused me to question whether I had offended God in some horrible way. I experienced some damage to my self-esteem which I have yet to overcome. On the other hand, I am not afraid to speak in public and I have had some valuable teaching and leadership experiences for which I'm grateful.

I am now 41 years old and have never married. I blame the church partially for this, but I mostly blame myself. As I have gotten older, I have become more reserved. I still attend a singles activity occasionally, but have tried to carve out a satisfying existence without a significant other. I have also not joined another church. I don't know whether God exists or if Christ was His/Her son. On the other hand, I must confess to a leaning towards Christianity. I attend a protestant church fairly regularly and I find comfort in listening to the sermons. Sometimes I take communion.

I wish anyone who reads this and who is considering leaving the church, the best. I know it is hard, but I believe it is the wisest decision I have ever made. I only wish I would have made it sooner. I believe if I had, my life would be much different than it is today. I am also very glad I never married while in the church. I think I could not have left so easily if I had had to deal with a family who still believed.

MY PATH TO CHRIST

2006-04-26T18:57:00.001+01:00

Micah - An ex Mormon lady from Utah shares her testimony.

Dear Chris, here is my story to add to your hundreds of stories. I never knew so many ex-mormons there were across the planet. It makes me feel less like an outcast to read other's stories.

St. Matthew 24:35 "Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away."

How do I make this brief?

How do you condense a transformation and all that led to it?

Let me try.

Born near Salt Lake City, Utah in the western United States, I inherited mormonism. Although my parents were divorced, I shared a relationship with both parents, both considered to be "jack mormons." That's a mormon that is not "active" in the church, doesn't attend, doesn't pay tithing, lives their life as they see fit. But can't find the courage to deny that mormons are the true church.

My grandparents probably had more to do with my religious education than anyone, although we didn't see a lot of them. But their strong faith in Joseph Smith was evident when we were there.

We are hardy mormon pioneer stock. My great-grandparents immigrated from England and Prussia to be with the "saints in Zion" and traveled over many years and miles from New York to Utah, by wagon. It was accepted by my families and my parents that the LDS church was Christ's restored gospel on the earth. That we follow a prophet. That Joseph Smith was the first modern day prophet.

Although inactive, my mother occasionally took us to church, or sent us to sunday school. We were involved in the youth groups as children. Mormons like to involve the inactive to activities so they don't stray too far from the church. I just never really questioned the only thing I knew, living in mormon country - "Utah" - the headquarters of the church. We were constantly hearing, the prophet this and the prophet that and "prophecy tells us..." I grew up in fear of the second coming of Christ. I grew up in terror, I knew I could never be perfect enough to be saved. I watched my father die, afraid of the unknown, fearful for him myself. And I will never forget his willingness to just accept, especially on his death bed. I understand it, too. He knew nothing else, either. And I did not have the fortitude to give him another opinion at the time. I wish I had found a way to do that while a few people were dying. Mormons take that pretty serious, talking to them on the deathbed, and disrespecting their religion. Jack mormons just don't want to be converted while they are dying. Especially in Utah, where people constantly try to convert you.

I met my husband and soul mate through the work of the Lord, and I believe it to be destiny. No other thing explains why we married, and more importantly, how we stayed married for over 20 years. He was raised strict LDS, meaning a lot of control and abuse issues over the years, and was also a jack mormon. He too believed the church to be the one true church, although "[He] don't believe everything they teach, [he] feels most comfortable in the mormon church and I know that the foundation is the one true church."
I guess that was my viewpoint, also.

We added a son to our ready made family, making three children, 11 months after we married. When a child is born into a jack mormon family, they still go to the church to have them blessed at birth, baptized at 8, and a desire to be sealed to that child and spouse forever. Many mormons come back to the church at this time, like my parents, and my grandparents before them. And we followed suit.

We took the temple marriage classes. If you go through the temple after a civil ceremony, you must take the temple preparedness classes and not be married for less than a year when you go to the temple. We were sealed with our son and I began studying. My husband is the doer in our partnership, I am the studier. We still have a great respect for one another's intelligence, however. His relationship with Christ is his alone. My relationship with Christ is mine alone. We do talk about religion, spirituality, and our thoughts on the subjects. With me he attends a baptist church I like. We are supportive of one another's convictions in that we all need to find our own relationship with God that makes us better for it.

I felt that the Doctrine and Covenants would be the most important thing to study on my own. Joseph Smith's divine revelation. I hadn't really heard a lot of the D&C, except in scripture quotations. For that matter I hadn't really heard a lot about the Bible, either, and even less about the new testament. It wasn't that it wasn't taught, it was, but in bits and pieces. Not how I know to study the Word of God today. Things contradicted themselves. Legend was mixed with reality. Rules were inconsistent. The Holy Spirit made you feel guilty, and Christ was our spirit brother. I never wanted to be a god, just be with my family. And the temple was the only place to do that.

As I began studying, I began questioning. "Not ready for the meat, unless you can handle the potatoes. God will let you discern the truth when you are ready."

Ready? Wasn't I a full-fledged, temple proving mormon already? Well, at least people, my family, my husband's family, would respect us more, we went through the temple. And this way I covered my bases, if temple marriage was true, we did it, if not, it wouldn't hurt anything in the end because I did it out of faith.

That was my thinking.

That was also my problem. I was a thinker. I couldn't just look the part if I couldn't live the part.

I didn't want to find answers by turning to "anti-mormon" literature. I have since read some pretty biased pieces. I didn't want the church, or another church, or someone with a grudge against the mormons to cloud Christ's truth. I kept away from all religion, period. I tuned into the spirit.

I started with the new testament, that would be the teachings of Jesus. And from there I started the path to my Saviour. I moved on to the D&C. I never really got around to reading the whole Book of Mormon, didn't need to. The old testament was just too different than what I was looking for. I didn't need proof of God or of Christ. I just wanted to know what He really taught.

I think the final straw was when my oldest daughter turned eight. The bishop wouldn't allow my preisthood holding husband to baptize my daughter because he smoked. He smoked. What about other sins? What about stealing from your neighbor, lying about why you weren't at church sunday, looking down on people, greed, sneaking a beer or cigarette? But openly smoking? To me it seemed the lesser of offences. Why would this stop him from baptizing his own daughter?

I remember one day, driving in my car, and pondering on the meaning of the things I had been reading. From a mormon's point of view, even, because I knew nothing else, I had experienced nothing else. I called the local Presbyterian church, and asked if they sent someone out to talk to people. The receptionist said she might know a lady who would be willing to do that.

Dottie Bird. I don't know where she is now, but I love her in Christ with all my heart. Our little talks were the only outlet I had, and I was shy. But she kind to let me come to my own conclusions and said she knew them to be of the Spirit.

The interim pastor at the time, Lord I wish I could remember his name as well, was an ex-biker, an ex-con and a loving member of Christ's body. Our bigger talks and his sermons taught me so much more. I began seeing Christ in a totally different way. He deserved my worship so much more than I was taught He should be given. People who loved from their relationship with Christ seemed nice, but I was and probably will always be, mistrustful of people and their purpose in sharing Christ with me. But these two people the Lord sent to me that I could trust and open my heart.

So I was driving and I was praying, God if I am wrong, please forgive me, but I feel this is your true gospel, and that I must remove myself from the church of my childhood. I turned and saw a perfectly formed rainbow, with that pretty beam of light eminating from the one cloud in the sky. At least I remember it being one cloud, I could be exaggerating.

From that day forward, I knew I would be baptized for Christ. I knew I wasn't wrong. But doubts followed me for years. I was taught from birth to leave the church is damnation, especially if you had been in the temple and taken the sacred oaths. Each time I would pray for forgiveness if I was in error, for forgiveness if I was doubting, forgiveness for all my sins, for there were many. Even today, the thought creeps into my head from time to time, what if I'm wrong? Even today I pray that God's will be done, and ask forgiveness for being a foolish human being. For we all are of sin. And that comforts me to know that I can be who I am.

The terror that strikes a mormon when they begin to see is overwhelming. Anything against the church is satan trying to dissuade us from the LDS church. Was I having a bad morning getting to church because of that? Oh, no, I failed to plan. Was God trying to lead me back to the LDS church if I couldn't find the scripture I needed? Oh, no, that's my short term memory. There were no shadows lurking, and the lynch mob wasn't coming. As a matter of fact, I think I've been treated better since becoming a Christian; by mormons, than I have before. They don't want to "offend" me, and they keep conversation light. To them I am not an "ex-mormon" because the church still loves you. But I love IT when the missionaries knock on the door. Poor young lads.

Now, see, I've rambled. So, for ten or twelve years, I have been studying the Word of God, and I need to have scriptual reference for myself. That Christ is the only true church, that His church is not a church of brick and stone, but of the heart and Spirit. If I don't want to attend a religious ceremony I don't have to, and I most often don't. At times, I enjoy worshiping through music and I have found a congregation where I feel comfortable for now. But I will wait and see what the church is like after the newness wears off. Mormonism has made me much more cautious about my faith. My love of Christ is so sacred to me, and I won't be blinded by another false prophet or the word of man, so I wait. Wait until I know how a person feels about the church, wait until I know what a church teaches about Christ. Wait until I know the Spirit is with me even in these places and with others. I know it sounds like my faith is small , and maybe it is. But it is not small in the love I feel from Jesus Christ. That is the realest thing in my life, and I have a very joyful life, with all its problems and goodness. I know that Christ suffered for my sins, I know he took them upon the cross with him. I know He washes me spotless before the Lord with the blood He shed upon that cross. I know He was raised from the dead, as proof to His followers, and that He will descend from heaven to rule the earth in His time. And I know you and I are the same, regardless of where we stand in life, or we are, or what we do. For while I am a part of Christ, and He a part of me, that makes us all connected in Christ for we are all a piece of a big puzzle.

And I love freer. And I live happier. And I live in peace. And I know I will be with Him in all His glory someday. And I know He works his will through me, if I am not jambing up the message with all this thinking. And I worship His name, because He is faithful when my faith lags.

Other than that, I really don't know a thing.

Micah

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
(I Corinthians 13:4-8)

EX MORMON WHO MARRIED THE MISSIONARY WHO CONVERTED HER

2006-04-19T23:29:00.001+01:00

Testimony of a Convert who married a returned missionary.

I knew I wasn't the only one.

I was a convert to the LDS Church--actually ended up marrying the missionary who converted me. I began having doubts after my endowment in the temple before my wedding. I wavered for a few months, but the final straw was a discussion with my husband's grandfather, during which he explained the idea of godhood. His statements were backed up fully by Mormon Doctrine, which I began studying to see what the church really believed.

When I finally decided to leave the church, my husband (who had married me for time and all eternity), left as well. It seems I was not a suitable wife since I wasn't going to the celestial kingdom. It was a painful time, and a hard decision. But finally, I just couldn't continue pretend to believe things that I knew were unbiblical and untrue.

I'd like to encourage you. It is extremely difficult to leave the Mormon Church. Many will ask you what sin you have committed to "lose your testimony." They will encourage you to ignore your doubts, and to push them to the back of your mind, in order to keep your testimony. In my experience, the doubts are God's continual way of trying to take off your blinders, and make you open your eyes. It saddens me to see LDS people walking through life with their eyes tightly closed so they won't lose their faith.

I would encourage you not to lose your faith in God, however. It would be easy to become cynical about religion and God in general after experiencing the manipulations that the Church can put you through. However, the God I know is much different than the one I knew as a Mormon. The God I worship loves me in spite of my failings and humanness. He forgives my failings, and gives me the power to serve Him, rather than demanding perfection. I know that many "born-again" believers are far from perfect, but again, don't give up on us. There are people out there who have been through what you are going through, and many of us are more than willing to talk or help in any way we can.

I have lost a great deal trying to escape, but I can say at the same time, "I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ, and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith..." (Phil. 3:8-9).

May God bless you in your journey..

AN EX-MORMON WHO HAS BEEN HARASSED BY THE CHURCH FOR LEAVING AFTER FINDING IT WAS ALL A LIE

2006-04-19T23:07:00.001+01:00

I was born and raised a Mormon in Southern California. My ancestors crossed the Plains in covered wagons, and I have ancestors who were married to both Joseph Smith and Brigham Young.

To be a Mormon takes a lot of dedication and time. The average service on Sunday is over three hours, and that's not counting other activities during the week. The Church makes sure its members are always involved, which is one of its selling points. Mormons are made to feel important. Ever since I can remember, Mormonism just didn't seem right to me. The teachings were so different from other Christian religions that I never felt comfortable with it.
Religious instruction starts early with constant reinforcement. Everyone around me was so sure Mormonism was the right religion. I felt that I was just a bad person who wasn't 'getting it'.
These feelings continued to grow as I did.

I tried to believe. I read the Book of Mormon and prayed about it. I never received the 'burning in the bosom' talked about by Mormons. This was suppose to be a signal from God that the individual had found the true Church. This made me feel even worse. I was a rebellious child, and Mormonism isn't the ideal religion for that. It's very structured with clean-cut boundaries as to behavior and status. Needless to say, my activities put me near the bottom of the pecking order. As I approached the missionary age (18-19), I sat through farewell meetings for my friends. I heard the girls cry while the young missionaries would almost glow with religious fervor for the Lord.

My mother would talk about how nice the meeting was, and plan what they were going to do for my farewell. I would smile and feel like dirt. I knew that a mission was out of the question, because I didn't believe. Yet, I didn't quite know why. As time passed, and it was clear I wasn't going on a mission, people's attitudes towards me changed. Conversations stopped when I came near, and everyone always had something to do and left. My social life was finished because Mormon girls are taught that their prime duty in life is to marry a returned missionary and raise children. There was only one young woman who treated me with kindness during that time. B. E., if you ever read this, thanks. I drifted further and further away from even the most basic Mormon beliefs; however, I still had to attend while living with my parents. Seeing everyone believing and content just pushed me further into depression and confusion. I joined the Air Force at age 21 and left for basic training. While there, I once again tried to return to Mormonism. I reread the Book of Mormon and prayed, but it didn't help.

I was stationed at March AFB, Ca., near Riverside. Leaving the Church was easy, and I didn't miss it at all. I was always told that I'd feel an emptiness in my life without it, but I didn't.
Mormons are very tenacious people and don't like the idea that one of their members is back-sliding. Since I was still on the membership roles, I could be tracked down. Men from the Church would come to my home and ask me to come back. Their visits would average about once every 4 to 6 months. I would get phone calls both at work and home for the same purpose. I was considered an 'inactive' member by this time.

Mormons have a program called fast-offerings. The first Sunday of every month, members are required to fast from the Saturday evening meal until Sunday evening meal. The average food cost is then calculated, and that amount is given to the Church (as a minimum donation). On that day, twelve year old boys are handed a package of envelopes. On them are the names and addresses of inactive members living within certain boundaries as well as those individuals who couldn't attend the fast meeting. The boys are then driven to the targeted houses and ask for a fast offering. I was hit up for this as well.

I left for Korea for a 1 year tour and wasn't there two months before they found me again! I had to live in a dormitory and my neighbors would tell me about missionaries knocking on my door and asking about me. I worked rotating shifts and was seldom home. The visits had gotten so frequent that my neighbors taped a sign to my door saying 'Mormons, go away!' Religious recruitment is forbidden on military installations. How did they get in? How did they keep on finding me? As a result, I had my dog tags changed for religious preference.

After my return to the U.S., I started doing my own research into the history and doctrine of the Mormon Church. As stated earlier, I required three independent sources of information to confirm a belief or event. The reason for this is while the Mormons were starting their religion, they were persecuted. While some anti-Mormon literature was written, there was also a great deal of objective and firsthand accounts as well. If three different sources agreed on an event, it was unlikely to be pure hate literature. What I found out was very different from what I was taught growing up. The Church version of Mormon history is a heavily doctored one designed more for the raising up of faith than recording accurate history.

Independent research is highly discouraged. Members are told to view, read, and listen only to Church approved sources. The more I learned on my own, the more I believed that Mormonism is not the true religion of God. I was no longer bothered by the thought that I was going to the Telestial kingdom (the lowest of three worlds Mormons believe will exist in the afterlife) for casting away the true gospel. The discrepancies between the historical and Church versions were so wide that I started to get angry. All my life, I was taught to believe that Mormonism developed in a certain way, and now it was all wrong.

It got to the point that I wanted to sever every tie with the Church that I could. I called the local bishop and asked him to forward a letter to Salt Lake City, Utah. In that letter I stated that I wanted my name removed from the records of the Church. He sounded very distressed. He stated that he didn't even know I was in his boundary (I guess the dog tags was how they kept finding me). He asked to meet with me, but I declined. I told him that I didn't want to talk to anyone, no one was to come to my home, and no one was to call. He was agitated and somewhat dumb-founded. He asked me if I had sinned against the Church, and, if I had, that I must go through a bishop's court. In this court I'd be judged as to whether I warranted excommunication, in other words, cut from the Church on their terms. I told him that I wouldn't attend any court because I no longer recognized his authority (he didn't like that). After some more discussion, he agreed, and I mailed him my letter.

About two weeks later, I was away for the evening. When I returned, my wife told me that the bishop had come over. He told her that he needed my phone number and priesthood records. After she let him in, he immediately started looking around for me. He asked her if she was Mormon (she isn't). He told her all the horrible things that would happen to me in the afterlife if I continued with this process. After getting his information, he left. I was furious when I found out. The only reason he was there was to get my phone number (it's unlisted). I clearly told him I wasn't to be contacted at home, and he disregarded my wishes.

About two months passed without any progress. I received a phone call one evening from the bishop. He asked me to meet with him at the Church next Sunday. My initial thought was that he had my membership cancellation notice. But as I thought about it, it didn't make sense. It would've been mailed to me. I asked him what he wanted to talk to me about. There was silence for about twenty seconds before he spoke. He said that the Lord had a calling for me. I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was. I asked him to repeat what he said, and he did, adding that we needed to talk about it. I told him I wasn't an active member and wasn't interested. He turned nasty then, mocking my voice and started pronouncing doom on my head if I refused the Lord. I hung up the phone. This happened in Jan. ' 95.

By this time I knew that he wasn't going to honor my request. I started to look for another way out. I couldn't believe the trouble I was having getting out of a church! If I had gone ahead with a bishop's court, it would've already been over. The Mormon Church doesn't like people leaving on their own. It makes them look bad. But if the person has been excommunicated, they can say that the person was a sinner and didn't deserve to be a Mormon.

I contacted a lawyer and told him what had happened. At first he looked at me a little strange but as he got the full story, decided to help me. He told me he would call Salt Lake and advise them to release me. If they didn't, then I was going to sue the Church for harassment. In addition, he wanted the records to reflect that the only reason I was removed was because I had requested it.

I went home and just shook my head. I was amazed at this whole thing. If it wasn't so pitiful, it would've been funny.
The next day, I came home from work and checked the mail. In it was a package sent overnight express. Inside was my records cancellation letter from the local bishop. It was a Xerox and written in the top right-hand corner was 'Nov. 94'. I just laughed, they were fighting to the end. I decided to develop a Web page to express my opinions and become a point of contact for others who had gone through the same experiences I did. It got pretty popular, receiving over 31,000 hits in seven months. I was helping people who've had their lifes thrown into turmoil by leaving the Mormon church. As my page received more exposure, the members in my parents area started to mobilize. My parents were harrassed by people they've gone to church with for over 20 years. Instead of exhibiting Christian-type values such as comforting them for the loss of a son from Mormonism, they received emotional blackmail instead. My father's health started to suffer as a result of it.

I was forced to remove my page from the Internet because I was stating my opinion and it scared them. Mormons have long cried "Persecution! The world won't let us believe what we want and publish/think what we want." Well, that same attitude has been used on me. Since they couldn't get to me they turned on my parents. Another example of a repressive, closed-minded church that will work tirelessly to stop anyone who dares express an opinion of Mormonism that hasn't been through the Church's sanitation machine. I've had many people tell me I should write a book, I'm in process of doing that.

WHY I LEFT MORMONISM

2006-04-19T22:37:00.001+01:00

The reasons are numerous and difficult to confine to a few words in a post on this web site. This was originally written as a letter to a friend, a Mormon, who wanted to know why I left Mormonism. She too later left Mormonism.

This is a listing of what is in this post:

Brief Background of My Life as a Mormon
Leaving Mormonism and Some Experiences as a Mormon
History of Joseph Smith
Book of Mormon
Book of Abraham
The Temple
Church Members
Glad to be Out

A Brief Background of My Years as a Mormon I joined the Mormon Church when I was 20 years old and living in Upper Michigan. I was a college student and was introduced to the church by a roommate. I graduated with a BS degree in metallurgical engineering and I went on to graduate school at the University of Utah. At the UofU I was asked to go on a mission for the church. I served a 2 year mission in Finland from 1974-1976, which I fully paid for myself. On return from my mission, I went back to graduate school and received an MS in engineering at Michigan Technological University. One month later I was married in the temple in Washington D.C. I served for the next 18 years in numerous callings such as the Elders' Quorum President, Young Mens' President, clerk etc. I was fully committed to the church and believed in it with all my heart, mind and money.

Leaving MormonismLeaving Mormonism was not a step I took lightly. It is extremely painful finding out that Mormonism is a fraud. I was a member for over 20 years. The realization that we (my whole family) had been deceived also made me angrier than I had ever experienced.
When I studied my way out of Mormonism it occurred in distinct layers or stages. The first stage was the Book of Abraham. This has the only physical evidence (the papyri) that can be studied of the unique LDS scriptures. I read everything I could find both pro and con. The LDS position was clearly unsustainable and absurd.

Next was studying LDS history. I even used the official LDS materials and then acquired the pre-edited source materials the official LDS history has been based on. I got the Journal of Discourses on CD-ROM. What is amazing is the wealth of documents. There perhaps is no other religion that can have its official history be refuted so thoroughly. Next was the Book of Mormon. I kept wanting to cling to that for some reason. The archaeological evidence, materials readily available in Joseph Smith's time (which I had not known before) and on and on had the BofM crashing to the floor too. The last and most puzzling stage was the general authorities. Are these men liars or dupes? It appears they are a mixture of both.

President Kimball and his wife toured Finland in 1975 when I was a missionary and spoke to small groups of us. What really struck me were two observations that I never acted on until I began seriously questioning the church. The first was of Pres. Kimball. He was clearly a humble man, but of very limited intelligence, at least when he was 80 some years old. I was a little disturbed, but trusted everything was in the Lord's hands. He spoke on how we will become gods and the normal missionary motivational stuff. What was really striking was when Sister Kimball spoke to us. In part of her talk she digressed from an apparently memorized (from being given so many times) speech and talked about an experience at the University of Utah. She took an institute class there while her husband was an apostle and was troubled by what the instructor (an LDS liberal evidently) was presenting to the class. She expressed her troubles with her husband who lightly dismissed them. The casual dismissal was a problem for her. What is fascinating now is that she would have expressed any doubt at all to us and it was clearly out of context with the talk she was giving. This digression occurred in mid-thought on another subject. When we got our transcripts of the talk, I noticed that this was not included. Here was history being rewritten right before my eyes. I did not act on it nor express to anyone my concern. I let it go.

Another disturbing item was the Hofmann forgeries in the 1980s. In the Ensign there was a picture showing the Prophet President Kimball with, if I remember right, President Hinkley and other General Authorities looking at the Anton manuscript, which was a forgery. They believed it to be legitimate. The lack of revelation was clearly shown by these same men who are trying to tell us they have a testimony of the Book of Mormon or of Joseph Smith. They could not detect a bogus document of great importance. Again, I let it go.

The fact that the general authorities go to great pains to cover embarrassing historical events shows to me they know what is going on. There are perhaps a few sincere ones who dismiss the evidence of its origins by not looking at or thinking about it. This appears to have been the case with President Kimball.

We officially left the church in March of 1994 through a letter requesting our names be removed from the church records. Since that time, in all too typical mind control like fashion, members of the church have avoided us. The Regional Representative even came up from Alabama and spoke out against us in a Sacrament meeting three weeks after we left and told the members that if they ever talk to us or if we give them materials, they are to contact their Bishop. Only an organization that had something to hide would be paranoid about the truth being revealed about itself. It is interesting that we would be considered such a threat. We had done nothing except request our names be removed from the records of the church. That was all. We learned that we really had few friends within Mormonism.

LDS HistoryThe visitation of 1820 of God and Jesus to Joseph Smith has been shown by the mass of information on the supposed event, to have never occurred. The date conflicts with other recorded historical events and even with Joseph Smith's mother's account of her son's history! No one ever mentioned this revelation until Smith dictated it 18 years later! It plays no role at all in Mormon history until the 1860s. His early hand written account (1831-1832 diary) does not even mention God the father visiting. He forgot that God visited him? That is absurd. As Smith got older, he got bolder in his claims of power and visitations and the creating of an imaginary history is just part of that. He did this when there were fewer eyewitnesses around who could claim such events never happened or did not happen the way he testified to. When a Mormon reads the official history today it appears everything occurred in a certain order when in reality most items were back dated and created out of thin air to lend credibility to the ever increasing stories.

The official Mormon history has been heavily rewritten. This is one of the most disturbing things I discovered in our research of the church. Even the official History of the Church is only 40% Joseph Smith's writings when it is still claimed to be 100%. The 40% has been rewritten so as to be "faith promoting" and the 60%, which was not his writing at all, was selectively chosen from other people's writings and rewritten to make him out to be something he was not.
Here is a simple example of how Joseph Smith was a fraud. You can read this in the official Mormon History, but few Mormons ever bother to read it. Some farmers in Kinderhook devised a hoax in 1843 and made up some copper plates which they claimed contained ancient writings. They planted them in an Indian burial mound and later dug them up again. When Smith saw the plates, he immediately "translated" part of them, which (he claimed in his diary) identified the writings as from "a descendant of Ham, through the loins of Pharaoh...".

Here is the exact quote from the Documentary History of the Church:
"I insert fac-similes of the six brass plates found near Kinderhook, in Pike county, Illinois, on April 23, by Mr. Robert Wiley and others, while excavating a large mound. They found a skeleton about six feet from the surface of the earth, which must have stood nine feet high. The plates were found on the breast of the skeleton and were covered on both sides with ancient characters."

"I have translated a portion of them, and find they contain the history of the person with whom they were found. He was a descendant of Ham, through the loins of Pharaoh, king of Egypt, and that he received his kingdom from the Ruler of heaven and earth. "

For many years, the church claimed that these plates were authentic ancient writings, in spite of the fact that the farmers later admitted the hoax - evidently the fact that Smith had translated part of them made it too embarrassing to accept the hoax. After resorting to more and more implausible and desperate arguments, the church flip-flopped about 10 years ago, and now admits that the plates are phony.

The 1981 August Ensign has the statement where the church admits that the plates were a hoax. Of course, this leaves them with the embarrassing quote from Smith's diary.... In spite of the fact that this quote is confirmed by contemporary newspaper reports, they conclude that THIS has to be a false report (indeed, many supposed entries in Smith's diary are generally regarded as fraudulent -- something that church historians don't like to emphasize).
The essential problem here is not the Kinderhook plates themselves, of course. The problem is that since Smith is revealed as credulous or deceitful in cases where he CAN be checked, the Book of Mormon translation, where he cannot be checked, is rendered highly suspicious.
The church has been deceitful in its creating the image of Joseph Smith as an unlearned country boy.

He was very intelligent and capable of reading at a high level and memorizing enormous materials. The primary source for the Book of Mormon was a book written by a man named Ethan Smith (no relation) who lived a short distance from Joseph and was a minister to a family none other than Oliver Cowdery's. This book is called the View of the Hebrews and was written in 1823 and republished in 1825. This book contained everything Joseph Smith needed to create the Book of Mormon.

The Book of MormonThe "keystone" of the church is unquestionably the Book of Mormon. If the book can be shown to be a product of the 19th century, the church is then not what it claims to be. Archaeology in the old world continues to uncover physical evidence of biblical history. This is not the case with new world archaeology and the Book of Mormon. In fact, archeologists have stated that the last 2 decades have been devastating to Book of Mormon archeology. Mormon apologists are now resorting to "internal evidences" which are addressed elsewhere on this site since they realize there is no hard evidence at all for the Book of Mormon.
The most compelling evidence of the fictional nature of the Book of Mormon, from an archaeological view, is the things which have not been found. This part of my post is liberally copied from some documents on Mormon archeology.

CitiesNumerous books and papers, of which I have many, describe proposed Book of Mormon locations for cities and for the "narrow neck of land". All of them differ significantly. No city has yet been identified as being Nephite or Lamanite. This is significant in that Zarahemla was occupied for hundreds of years. Almost all geography mentioned in the Book of Mormon is in Mormon's abridgment of the plates. He would have known which locations would have been destroyed by the crucifixion. Therefore, the weak LDS apologist stance that the cities were destroyed is not valid. Remember we are talking about a time period from 2000 BC to 400 AD and millions of people and these cities they occupied have yet to be found.

A curious note is that when the Nephites landed in the Americas there were already millions of inhabitants in the land with large cities and infrastructure. Why are these peoples not mentioned?

Plant and Animal LifeThere are four major crops mentioned in the Nephite records.

These are:
Barley (Mos 7:22, 9:9, Alma 11:7, 15)
Figs (3 Ne 14:16)
Grapes (2 Ne 15:2, 4, 3 Ne 14:16)
Wheat (Mos 9:9, 3 Ne 18:18)
Archeological findings for the time period of the Book of Mormon:
Barley NONE {an new world variety was found in Arizona and totally unrelated}
Figs NONE
Grapes NONE
Wheat NONE

This negative score on the plant-life test should not be treated too lightly. An abundance of evidence supporting the existence of these plants has been found in other parts of the world of antiquity. The existence of numerous non-Book-of-Mormon plants (maize, lima beans, tomatoes, squash, etc.) has been supported by abundant archeological findings. Quoting from Tom Ferguson: "I (Tom Ferguson) participated in excavating a trench a the edge of the Grijalva river in which we found a ceramic vessel is a stratum dating to about 200 BC. The vessel contained lima beans that had been burned anciently and discarded--pot and beans--as too badly burned to be edible. And yet they were still in their pristine and perfect form. The beans were carbon-14 dated helping to place the whole stratum on a true time scale. Art portrayals in ceramics, murals, and sculptured works--of ancient plant life--are fairly commonplace.

Thousands of archeological holes in the area proposed have given us not a fragment of evidence of the presence of the plants mentioned in the Book of Mormon. The holes include the great one dug by Edwin Shook at Tehuacan, Puebla, Mexico. He excavated a cave -- going back to 5000 BC., finding most of the major plants of the area. But no wheat, barley, figs or grapes."
I would like to note that wheat is very durable. Wheat in near perfect condition has been frequently found in the Egyptian pyramids dating back thousands of years. There is absolutely no evidence from any source that wheat was ever used in the ancient Americas. This alone brings the Book of Mormon into serious doubt.

Animal LifeThis section is fun and Mormons are derided here for claiming horses and elephants were used by the ancients in America. This derision is for good reason, for they have never been found! There are more animals mentioned which reinforces the fictional nature of the Book of Mormon.

There are many animals mentioned in the Nephite records.
These are:
Ass
Bull
Calf
Cattle
Cow
Butter
Milk
Flocks
Goat {the Nephites claimed to have found the domestic goat no less!}
Herds
Horse {the horse plays a major role in the Nephite and Lamanite societies}
Ox
Sheep {this was a major animal in the Book of Mormon}
Sow
Swine
Elephants

Archeological findings for the time period of the Book of Mormon:
Ass..... NONE
Bull.... NONE
Calf.... NONE
Cattle.. NONE
Cow..... NONE
Butter.. NONE
Milk.... NONE
Flocks.. NONE
Goat.... NONE
Herds... NONE
Horse... NONE
Ox...... NONE
Sheep... NONE
Sow..... NONE
Swine... NONE
Elephants (NONE contemporary with the Book of Mormon)

Again from Tom Ferguson: "Evidence of the foregoing animals has not appeared in any form -- ceramic representations, bones or skeletal remains, mural art, sculptured art or any other form. However... evidence has been found in several forms of the presence in the Book-of-Mormon times of other animals--deer, jaguars, dogs, turkeys etc. The zero score presents a problem that will not go away with the ignoring of it. Non-LDS scholars of first magnitude, some who want to be our friends, think we have real trouble here. That evidence of the ancient existence of these animals is not elusive is found in the fact that proof of their existence in the ancient old-world is abundant. The absence of such evidence...is distressing and significant, in my view."
MetalsI will be briefer on the metals, but this is fascinating to me as I have both a BS and MS in metallurgical engineering.

Evidence supporting the existence of these metals, skills and products...at this time as follows:
Bellows....... NONE
Brass......... NONE
Breast Plates. NONE
Chains........ NONE
Copper........ NONE
Iron.......... NONE
Ore (mining).. NONE (this is very significant, no evidence of mining activities)
Plows......... NONE
Silver........ NONE
Swords........ NONE (none that are metal)
Steel......... NONE

Again from Tom Ferguson: "Metallurgy does not appear in the region until about the 9th century A.D. ...I regard this as a major weakness in the armor of our proponents and friends". ...Art does not portray the existence of metallurgical products or metallurgical activity. Again, the score is zero.
There are so many items archeologically, historically and using textual criticism to show the Book of Mormon to be fictional, that anyone willing to do a little study will reach the same conclusion.

There is a lot of Mormon mythology that states that the Book of Mormon has been "proven" by such and such a find or the uncovering of a city. When investigated ALL of these claims have been shown to be false. The myths are circulated in the Mormon culture by Sacrament meeting talks, Priesthood meeting discussions and in LDS social circles so much, that Mormons who do not investigate the source of the information, believe the stories to be true. They use these false stories to "strengthen their testimonies". Please see section on Problems with believing in Mormonism / Mormon Apologetics on this site for a letter from the Smithsonian which verifies these statements.

Book of AbrahamThe Book of Abraham is another document where Smith is a perpetrator of a fraud. This is the translation of an Egyptian papyrus which came into Smith's possession, and which he claimed to have been written by Abraham in Abraham's own handwriting and with his signature!. Note, that these papyri were too new to be Abraham's by almost 1500 years!! There was no one in Joseph Smith's time who could refute the "translation" as can be done today. So he was able to take advantage of people's ignorance of Egyptian. Smith charged admission to see the papyrus. Smith even prepared an Egyptian Grammar based on this papyrus. Smith's Egyptian Grammar was not published until the 1960's, and needless to say, it bears no resemblance to what we now know of actual Egyptian grammar.

The papyrus disappeared and was believed to be lost, but it turned up again in the Metropolitan Museum in NY, in 1967. Alas, the papyrus, which can be easily read by Egyptologists, is an ordinary Egyptian funerary papyrus from the 1st century A.D. and the text has absolutely nothing to do with the Book of Abraham! The attempts by the church to rescue this book are not much more plausible than the arguments used to support the Kinderhook Plates. Some Mormon scholars claim, for example, that the text of the Book of Abraham was somehow secretly encoded into this Egyptian papyrus or that the text somehow "inspired" Smith, in spite of the fact that there is no resemblance in content. Again, in a case where Smith can be checked, he comes up wanting.

THE TEMPLEThe temple ceremony or the endowment is nothing less or more than Joseph Smith's copying of Masonic rituals. Joseph Smith received the first three degrees of Masonry on March 15th and 16th of 1842. Less than two months later (May 4, 1842) he gave the endowment ceremonies. (see History of the Church, vol. 5 pp. 1-2).

The three bloody oaths that Mormons used to make in the temple and changed in 1990 (the two oaths that go with the two tokens of the Aaronic priesthood and the oath that goes with the first token of the Melchizedek priesthood) appeared in the temple ceremony in the same order as in Masonry. In both cases (temple and Masonry) the first oath mentioned the slitting of the throat. The second spoke of the cutting open of the breast so that the heart and vitals could be removed and the third mentioned disembowelment. In all three cases the same penalties were demonstrated. This all appears to be too similar to be a coincidence.

I met Reed Durham, who was president of the Mormon History Association, when I was at the University of Utah in 1973-1974 working on my masters degree in engineering. He wrote the following. "...I am convinced that in the study of Masonry lies a pivotal key to further understanding Joseph Smith and the Church... The many parallels found between early Mormonism and the Masonry of that day..." Joseph Smith was adept at copying and using other materials to create what he needed. The temple ceremony is just Masonry modified. It is copied from the book "Freemasonry Exposed" by William Morgan who published it in 1827. The wording in the Mormon temple ceremony, in many cases, is exactly the same as from this book. I will quote from Morgan's book page 84. "He (the candidate) is raised on what is called the five points of fellowship.... This is done by putting the inside of your right foot to the inside of the right foot of the person to whom you are going to give the word, the inside of your knee to his, your left hands on the back of each other..." Mormons who went to the temple before 1990 will find this quite striking. There are many more examples, but this one will do to make the point.

The 1990 version of the temple ceremony removed this section since it was an obvious copy from Morgan's book and women objected to being held so closely by a stranger while at the veil.
CHURCH MEMBERSI believe deceit goes on at all levels of the church by seasoned members, with much of it well intended, but done with incredible ignorance. The degree of deceit varies with the intelligence, knowledge and church position of the seasoned members involved. When a member of the church brings up a historical or doctrinal problem, a seasoned member has learned how to give pat answers which give a superficially satisfactory resolution. For example, the question of why is the temple so similar to Masonry may get asked. The standard answer is that Masonry goes back to Solomon's temple. Any reasonable inquiry into that myth will show it to be absurd historically. This does seem however to satisfy one who does not dig any deeper and does not want to be troubled. Senior members of the church dole out such dribble all the time. In many cases they do not know themselves and give such a response because it was satisfactory to them. More intelligent individuals, such as Hugh Nibley, use their prolific creation of unrelated materials to confuse the question and the normal church member then concludes all must be well because someone wrote so much about it and the member is too overwhelmed to be troubled anymore. Is this deceit? I think it is. A seasoned member usually wants to give the impression of having superior knowledge and spirituality with no doubts expressed verbally about his or her faith. This facade is required in leadership positions and is also required in most Mormon social circles. The senior levels of the church are composed of individuals who hide behind their positions of trust and are experts at giving great impressions. This is subtle and powerful deception.

Glad to be Out Mormons have a lot of fear when thinking about leaving the church. All authoritarian organizations put fear into its members teaching that terrible things will happen to you if you ever leave. The Jehovah's Witnesses and other groups are actually worse than Mormonism in creating fear. Actually life outside of Mormonism is much better than I could have imagined. I wish I would have done this years ago when I first began to realize there were problems with Mormonism. I would have been better yet, to have never joined.

AGUSTA'S TESTIMONY - FROM MORMONISM TO CHRIST

2006-04-17T21:28:00.001+01:00

Are You There, God? - by Agusta Harting

It was early spring, 1966. I was lying in the emergency room of a Pittsburgh, PA hospital. I looked up at my husband, Dan, and said, "Honey, I think we should be baptized into that church."

The Mormon missionaries had been teaching us now for a few months and I had been feeling a big 'tug-o-war' within me about consenting to their continual "baptism challenges."

Some months before the Mormon Elders came to our house, I had been looking at the starlit sky wondering if there really was a God up there. You see, I was born and reared in Iceland where almost everyone is born Lutheran unless someone has "mixed them up" somehow. I don't remember ever having learned about salvation or having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

As I looked up at those millions of stars I asked, "Are you there, God?" Instantly it was as if total love and joy filled my whole being, and the room seemed filled with whatever this was. I became so startled and excited that I could hardly contain myself. My thoughts started racing on about what I should do now.

I have to go to church. But where? What church?

The Lutherans, Presbyterians, Methodists…my mind wandered but suddenly came to a screeching halt. The Mormons! I had known a Mormon family in one of the numerous locations Dan and I had lived, but what did they believe? I knew they did not drink or smoke and I had heard that the Mormons had practiced polygamy at one time. This was my total knowledge of Mormonism. I drifted off to sleep having decided to contact the Mormons in the morning.

At 9:00 the next morning the phone woke me up. The caller introduced himself as Elder----from the Mormon Church. "My companion and I would like to visit with your family to tell you a little bit about our church." I froze. Could this really be happening? I stammered my consent and that very same evening I sat staring into two pairs of blue eyes which looked at me earnestly as they assured me that their appointment with me was no coincidence.

I was plunged into the most dizzying whirlpool of indoctrination I had ever experienced. Fascinating tales of golden plates, hieroglyphics, angels popping in and out of woods and bedrooms, prophets and priesthoods complete with visions of the Father and the Son putting their blessing on the whole thing--while condemning all of present day Christianity as corrupt and utterly apostate. I sat stunned at times as my mind was cleverly manipulated into agreement with questions posed in such a way that to disagree would have made one appear to be utterly idiotic.

I was given a copy of the Book of Mormon. The Elders told me it was "the most correct book on Earth." I was told to pray about it expecting God to manifest its truthfulness by a burning in my bosom. This seemed a little strange and rehearsed to me, but I was becoming very fond of our Elders. They played with our children, shared our meals and joked with Dan.

After months of studying I became ill--thus the trip to the emergency room. Was God telling me that I should no longer delay my baptism into the Mormon Church? It frightened me a little when Dan eagerly responded to my suggestion to be baptized and just for a moment I felt slightly trapped. But when we later broke the news to the beaming Elders I was happy. How could it be wrong? Church was so reverent and spiritual, and the people were so good and kind.

After our baptism a flood of new ideas and schedules overtook our lives. Endless meetings, dinners, shows and more meetings, as well as lessons to be learned and manuals to be followed. I tried my best to soak it all in and to conform to this new life. After a time Dan was ordained an Elder "after the order of Melchizedek" (Mormonism's higher priesthood) and we began to understand the deeper doctrines of Mormonism.

We entered the Washington, D.C. temple where we were "signed and sealed" (but not delivered!). The temple ceremony made me uneasy, but I did not dare tell anyone since the grey-haired temple worker told me that if you did not "feel good" about the ceremony you were out of tune with the Holy Spirit.

The following years were a blur of activity. I was becoming well versed in Mormon doctrine, and consequently a little uneasy about the teachings, but my trust level of Joseph Smith as a prophet and revelator was at top peak level.

However, all was not well in my heart. Could I live up to the perfection that was expected of me? I dared not question the inconsistencies that I had begun to see in the church teachings. I began to see Heavenly Father as a grim, demanding, unloving figure. He seemed a perfect version of Brigham Young--stern and unyielding. I learned that God had once been a man and had obtained his godhood by obedience. I was continually told that I, too, could become a Goddess, and that Dan, if worthy and perfect, would become my God. But I was struggling with the knowledge that, even though I had a valid temple recommend at all times, I was falling short of perfection.

I wished to know God better. I often asked Him what He wanted from me. "I am doing all that I can; why do you keep demanding more of me when I am so tired? Are you some kind of monster? Why, God, why?" Silence!

Then one December eve in 1979, as I was bending to chose a Christmas tree, I felt a sharp, blinding pain in my head. It lasted for months. I was released from all my callings except visiting teaching and spent a lot of time alone in my misery.

In my desperation I started reading the Bible. I began seeing strange verses in there; something that jolted me nearly into panic. Romans 3, Romans 4, Titus 3:5…strange verses about salvation by the grace of God! Simultaneously I started listening to various teachers on Christian radio. Why, they were all in Harmony! Joseph Smith had pronounced them all apostates; how could they be so familiar with Jesus Christ? I was becoming addicted to hearing about their Jesus.
Then one day while watching TV I heard it: The Good News! "You are not going to Heaven because you are good and worthy. Isaiah 64 tells us that our righteousness is as filthy rags before the Lord." If my righteousness is like filthy rags, what must my sin look like? "You are not saved because you belong to a certain church, sing in the choir, pay tithes, attend your meetings," etc.

"You are saved only one way--when you the sinner meet Jesus Christ the Savior in true repentance, having faith in His blood shed, and in His finished work on the cross for you, to pay in full for all your sins, asking Him to be Lord of your life…"

Then came Ephesians 2:8-9. I sat there stunned. "Eternal life is a free gift!" I knew it was the truth. I looked up every scripture and suddenly my eyes were opened to the true salvation of God. Later I fell on my knees and asked God to give me His free gift of salvation. This was definitely not a "Kosher" thing to do in the Mormon Church, and if I thought I had trouble with Mormonism before, it was only child's play compared to what I was about to encounter.

"Bishop," I asked one day in his office, "Why do we so seldom hear the name of Jesus in our church?" He muttered some feeble excuse about not being able to control the talks, but seemed unable to understand just what I was complaining about. Didn't we close every prayer in the name of Jesus Christ? Wasn't our church named after Him? I went away more confused, wondering about my sanity. "Please help me, Lord!" I cried. "I won't listen to Christian radio or TV anymore. I'll just concentrate on Mormonism and do my church work." But Jesus Christ had begun a work in me, the blessed author and finisher of my faith, and He was not yet finished with me, praise His wonderful name!

In 1981 I was teaching Mormon women and children. One Sunday as I prepared for the next Sunday's class, the lesson instructed me to "bear your testimony to the class that Joseph Smith is a prophet of God and that the Book of Mormon is true…"

"No, no, I can't do it!"

"Lord," I prayed, "please help me now! If the Mormon Church is true, I will live and die for it, but if it is false, you must show me. I cannot live a lie. I just want you, Lord!"

Within five minutes the Relief Society president called asking me to attend an "anti-Mormon" film being shown at a local Christian church. She wanted a few 'stalwarts' to go and show these so-called Christians who the true Christians really were, and to expose that horrible film for the lie that it must be.

The film, featuring Ron Carlson, was not a lie as far as I could determine. What was the big fuss over what we believed? I hardly listened, feeling detached in this strange church that hated and persecuted us.

Suddenly I was shocked into full awareness when I heard Ron Carlson say, "…before Me there was no God formed, neither shall there be after Me." Isaiah 43:10.

When I got home I went straight to my Bible. There it was! Could it be? Then out leaped Isaiah 44:6, 45:5, etc. My head was spinning.

One day I walked into a Christian bookstore to buy a greeting card. On my way out I noticed a book that seemed to blink at me with neon lights: 'The Maze of Mormonism' by Walter Martin. I bought the book as in a dream. Feeling very guilty I plopped the book into Dan's lap as he waited for me outside.

Looking at me with horror he shouted, "You're not intending to read that trash!"
"Yes, Dan," I replied. "I must find answers to my questions." I couldn't put the book down. At first I was incensed. Then, to my horror, he quoted Brigham Young's gruesome 'blood-atonement' doctrine. He listed many Bible verses that I had no idea existed. "Thank you, God," I thought, "now I have the answers I have been looking for."

I announced to my family that I was never going to set foot in a Mormon Church again. Dan sat with his mouth open in total disbelief as I quoted from the book. These were statements from men we had accepted as men of God, whose pictures smiled at us from our walls and refrigerator. Then Dan read the book and discovered that there was a way to test prophets, and it wasn't by a burning in the bosom. Joseph Smith and Brigham Young failed the tests of the Bible miserably.

Leaving Mormonism was not easy. First came the grief and sorrow of seeing friends look at us as if we had a deadly disease. We received death threats from little old ladies, emotional blackmail from the authorities, and character assassinations from all. Our children were bombarded with such statements as, "You don't have to follow your parents to outer darkness!" Finally came the ex-communication trials and lastly the shunning. I lost my ability to sleep soundly for a long time and finally I developed a bleeding ulcer. At times I felt that I had discovered some terrible secrets about the Mormon Church and that I had to promise never to tell. But the time came when we had to share it, because Jesus Christ and His precious truth had become top priority in our lives. We shared it on television, on radio, in churches, with individuals, with anyone or anywhere the Holy Spirit led. We cannot be quiet, not if we take the real gospel of Jesus Christ seriously.

As I read over this, I realize how difficult it is to express everything. But the most important thing of all is that because of God's unspeakable mercy and grace in opening the eyes of my understanding I now can sing with the rest of His redeemed children, "It is well with my soul."

EX MORMON STACY FINDS THE RIGHTEOUSNESS THAT COMES THROUGH FAITH IN JESUS

2006-04-17T20:22:00.001+01:00

A Quest for Righteousness - by Stacey Speck

One afternoon, when I was around seven years old, my mother answered a knock on the door. Outside were two clean-cut men in suits. They introduced themselves as missionaries for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and asked if they could share "the gospel" with her. My mother, who had been praying for direction about which church to attend, took this as a sign from God and eagerly asked them in.

The missionary lessons progressed rapidly and within a very short time my entire family (seven of us) were baptized into the Church.

While growing up in the LDS Church I became more and more aware of my sinfulness. In Sunday School we were taught to obey the Ten Commandments. We also studied the Sermon on the Mount. I was especially troubled by the verse "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." (Matthew 5:27-28) I thought, "Even the sins committed in my heart will count when God judges me? How can I possibly control what goes on in my heart?" This scared me. I knew that I was in trouble, but I didn't know how to solve my problem.

I began searching for the answers to my dilemma by turning wholeheartedly to Mormonism. I thought, "If this is God's restored church, then He will change me and make me righteous." So, at the age of fourteen, I began to faithfully attend Church and fulfill all the requirements which would allow me to go on a temple trip. The nearest temple to my home in Saint Louis was in Washington, D.C. There I would perform the ordinance of baptism for the dead, which would enable my ancestors to accept the gospel and escape Spirit Prison.

All during the trip I was very aware of my sinful behavior, as well as that of the people around me. Though I tried my best, I could not stop sinning. I hoped that going to the temple would change me and I would become righteous.

At the temple I was baptized for twenty of my dead ancestors. However, instead of the great spiritual experience I was hoping for, when I left I found I was still a sinful person. I also had the sensation that what I had just participated in was not pleasing to God.

When we returned home we all attended a Fast and Testimony meeting at Church. There we were expected to express our belief in the truthfulness of Mormonism. I saw all the kids I had gone to the temple with stand and bear their testimonies (many, I knew, were simply lying to please their parents), but I could not do it. I knew it was wrong.

Then one of the men got up and told us that in ten years he would take an accounting of us kids to see if we "measured up." I was furious! I thought, "He's not God that he can judge me." This was the final straw. All the problems I had seen in myself and others forced me to conclude that Mormonism didn't have the answers. It was at this time that I mentally rejected the Mormon Church.

For the next few years I wandered from atheism to agnosticism to finally concluding that there was a God, but that He could not be reached.

After I left home at eighteen, I began to hang around with the wrong crowd. Though I didn't get involved in their lifestyle, I was heavily influenced by them and could see that I was ultimately heading for destruction. I begged God to help me find the way to Him.

Around this time I started a new job and made friends with a young woman named Dawn. One week she invited me to go along with her to an evening meeting at a local Christian church. There I heard the gospel message of the Bible clearly laid out--that the one and only God of the universe took the form of a man, lived a perfect life, died on a cross for my sins and rose again on the third day. The pastor read Romans 10:9-10: "That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation."

This was it! All the world religions I had considered taught basically the same thing: Rules and regulations (laws and ordinances!) lived out by imperfect, sinful people could somehow please a perfect God. In the good news of the Bible, we are told the truth: that we can't do it--we have to trust solely in what God has done through Jesus.

That night I believed in Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I felt a horrible burden lifted from me; I felt so clean and new! I found that the good works I used to do in an effort to earn God's forgiveness I now wanted to do simply out of love for Him.

Today I attend a solid, Bible-believing church and share the biblical Jesus with Mormons and non-Mormons alike. My father and my oldest brother are still active in the LDS Church; whenever God provides an opportunity I testify to them of God's mercy.

I continue to trust that "He who began a good work in [me] will complete it unto the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6)

EX LDS JEANETTE TELLS US HER STORY

2006-04-17T20:08:00.001+01:00

The Everlasting God and Me: A Relationship - by Jeanette Dohse

Even the heart of a child has a tiny empty place that only God can fill. My response to Mormon Sunday School stories of Jesus was to dream of sitting on His lap. It was just so simple. Jesus loved me and I loved Him and what better bespeaks relationship to a child than lap sitting and hugs?!

My childhood dreams of Jesus did not sustain me as a teenager. We prayed "in the name of Jesus" and our Church bore His name but His purpose was uncertain and obscure to me. "Heavenly Father" seemed distant and unreachable. Like many Mormons, I tried to substitute Church for God. Once a month, we "bore our testimonies" in a special "sacrament" meeting, and always the testimonies were of Joseph Smith being a true prophet of God, and the Mormon Church being the one true Church. We gave thanks for our Church leaders, our Sunday School teachers, our Church friends, and our families. The Church was supposed to fill the empty spot in my heart, but it didn't.

After the high school years, I moved to Denver to work. There I met young men who were serving a two-year mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Even though I was a fifth generation Mormon, the missionaries gave me the usual lessons presented to potential converts. Perhaps they felt I lacked commitment to the Church, or maybe, since missionaries are not supposed to date, giving me the lessons was their way of having the company of someone their own age. After reading the Book of Mormon, their instructions are to read again Moroni 10:4 and following its exhortation, pray, asking God to give you a testimony that the Book of Mormon is true. Some have even experienced a "burning in the bosom" after praying this prayer and I hoped that that would be my experience also. Even though I prayed fervently and sincerely, I was never to have the burning bosom that would cement my testimony of the cornerstone of the Church--the Book of Mormon, (History of the Church, Vol. 4, p. 461) and therefore the Church itself.

I thought I must not be worthy enough to have this spiritual experience. Or maybe my Heavenly Father didn't love me. Surely there must be some way to gain His favor, to prove to Him that I loved Him and wanted to be a good Church member. Being a Mormon and doing what the Church told me was my assurance that someday I would return to live with Heavenly Father.

To win God's love, I threw myself into church work, spending many hours preparing lessons for the Sunday School and Primary classes that I taught. I also got involved in genealogy, home teaching and my personal research. And for awhile I sang in the choir. But no amount of church work won for me the relationship I desired to have with God. Neither did being faithful at tithing or prayer, temple work, or reading trusted Church "scripture" help. I had been taught to distrust the reliability of the Bible and therefore saw no reason to turn there for instruction, comfort, or any kind of help.

In my middle twenties I became "sophisticated" enough to believe that it wasn't just me that God didn't love, but believed instead that it was really impossible for any of us to touch heaven. God was uninvolved, disinterested in, and untouched by humankind.

Now, instead of blaming myself for lack of relationship with God, I began to suspect that He was less than I had always hoped He was. Perhaps I was just expecting too much from a man who had risen through the ranks to the station of 'God of this world', according to the Mormon Law of Eternal Progression.

In 1978 my world turned around when a Christian friend suggested that I listen to an evangelist on a local radio station. For the first time in my life, I heard people give testimony about GOD; not about their Church nor their earthly human leader, but about GOD. God had repaired marriages, mended broken hearts and healed physical ailments. He gave hope and comfort, strength, direction and provision.

The testifiers in turn served Him as Lord, trusted Him as Saviour and Redeemer, clung to His Word and worshiped Him alone.

These people were talking about a relationship that I had wanted all my life, but with a God that I had never heard of in my 39 years. A God that was ONE GOD, not three individuals. A God that was ETERNAL GOD, not a human man elevated to the station of a god.

How sorry I was that all my life I had broken the First of the Ten Commandments. "Thou shalt have no other gods before Me," God had said. God is God "from everlasting to everlasting" (Psalm 90:2) and He "changeth not" from man to a God (Malachi 3:6 and Romans 1:23). I had striven to have a relationship with a 'God' that doesn't even exist!

But how does one come into relationship with this wonderful, only true God?

Through faith and belief in His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, said the evangelist. And for the first time, I heard that Jesus Christ died for my sins so that I could come back into fellowship with the Father. This was quite different from the Mormon "Jesus" who had shed his blood in the Garden of Gethsemane so that I could be resurrected and earn my salvation by works.

I called upon the name of the Lord. "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved. How then shall they call on him in whom they have not believed? and how shall they believe in him of whom they have not heard? and how shall they hear without a preacher?" (Romans 10:13-14)

No longer did I believe that I could be "saved by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the (Mormon) gospel."

"I do not frustrate the grace of God; for if righteousness come by the law, then Christ is dead in vain."
(Galatians 2:21)

I asked the real Lord Jesus Christ to come into my heart and change me into what He wanted me to be. Bible study revealed to me more of the nature of the One true God and the real purpose of Jesus' shedding His precious blood on the cross. I asked Him to be my Lord, my Saviour and thanked Him for what He had done for me (John 3:36). I found out that He was my Friend, a constant companion.

While on this earth, I can flee to the arms of the Everlasting God in prayer day or night. And I look forward to spending eternity with the Creator that I love and Who loves me.

What a beautiful relationship!

EARLY MORMON EZRA FINDS OUT IT'S ALL A DELUSION

2006-04-17T20:02:00.001+01:00

Delusion - by Ezra Booth

[Ezra Booth was an early convert to Mormonism. In 1831, as a Methodist clergyman, he witnessed what he believed to be a healing at the hands of Joseph Smith and fully embraced this new religion. In a revelation Joseph claimed to receive in June of 1831 Ezra was instructed to journey to Independence, Missouri (Zion) in the company of several other leading Church members. When he returned in September he wrote the following testimony in response to a letter he had received from Reverend Ira Eddy. This and his eight additional epistles were published originally in the Ohio Star and later in Mormonism Unvailed by E. D. Howe. Ezra Booth is credited as being the first apostate to publish against the Church.]

I have arrived at my home on the first of the present month, having finished my tour to the west; since which time the scenes and events in the history of my life, for the last few months, have passed in review before my mind.

You are not, it is probable, ignorant of the designs of my most singular and romantic undertaking: sufficient to say, it was for the purpose of exploring the promised land--laying the foundation of the city of Zion, and placing the corner stone of the temple of God. A journey of one thousand miles to the west, has taught me far more abundantly, than I should have probably learned from any other source.

It has taught me quite beyond my knowledge, the imbecility of human nature, and especially my own weakness. It has unfolded in its proper character, a delusion to which I had fallen a victim, and taught me the humiliating truth, that I was exerting the powers of both my mind and body, and sacrificing my time and property, to build up a system of delusion, almost unparalleled in the annals of the world.

If God be a God of consistency and wisdom I now know Mormonism to be a delusion; and this knowledge is built upon the testimony of my senses. In proclaiming it, I am aware I proclaim my own misfortune--but in doing it, I remove a burden from my mind, and discharge a duty as humbling to myself, as it may be profitable to others. You had heard the story of my wanderings, and "was induced to believe that I had been visited with a species of mental derangement," and therefore, you "had given me up, as one among those friends of early association, who in the lapse of time, would be as though they had not existed." You had concluded that the magic charm of delusion and falsehood, had so wrapped its sable mantle around me, as to exclude the light of truth and secure me a devoted slave. But thanks be to God! the spell is dissipated, and the "captive exile hasteneth that he may be loosed, and not die in the pit."

When I embraced Mormonism, I conscientiously believed it to be of God. The impressions of my mind were deep and powerful, and my feelings were excited to a degree to which I had been a stranger. Like a ghost, it haunted me by night and by day, until I was mysteriously hurried, as it were, by a kind of necessity, into the vortex of delusion.--At times I was much elated; but generally, things in prospect were the greatest stimulants to action.

On our arrival in the western part of Missouri, the place of our destination, we discovered that prophecy and vision had failed, or rather had proved false.--This fact was so notorious, and the evidence so clear, that no one could mistake it--so much so, that Mr. Rigdon himself said, that "Joseph's vision was a bad thing." This was glossed over, apparently, to the satisfaction of most persons present; but not fully to my own. It excited a suspicion that some things were not right, and prepared my mind for the investigation of a variety of circumstances, which occurred during my residence there, and indeed, to review the whole subject, from its commencement to that time.

My opportunities for a thorough investigation, were far greater than they could have been, had I remained at home; and therefore, I do not regret that I made the journey, though I sincerely regret the cause of it. Since my return, I have had several interviews with Messrs. Smith, Rigdon and Cowdery, and the various shifts and turns, to which they resorted in order to obviate objectors and difficulties, produced in my mind additional evidence, that there was nothing else than a deeply laid plan of craft and deception.

The relation in which Smith stands to the church, is that of a Prophet, Seer, Revealer, and Translator; and when he speaks by the Spirit, or says he knows a thing by the communication of the Spirit, it is received as coming directly from the mouth of the Lord. When he says he knows a thing to be so, thus it must stand without controversy. A question is agitated between two Elders of the church--whether or not a bucket of water will become heavier by putting a living fish in it. Much is said by each of the disputants; when at length, Smith decides in the negative, by saying--"I know by the spirit, that it will be no heavier." Any person who chooses, may easily ascertain by actual experiment, whether the Prophet was influenced in this decision by a true or false spirit.

It is not my design, at this time, to enter into particulars relative to the evidence upon which my renunciation of Mormonism is founded. This evidence is derived from various sources, and is clear and full, and the conviction which it produces, at least on my mind, is irresistible. You are not aware of the nature of this deception, and the spirit that uniformly attends it; nor can you ever know it, unless you yield to its influence, and by experience learn what it is to fall under its power: "from which my earnest prayer is, that you may ever, ever escape."

There probably never was a plan better suited to lead the sinner and the conscientious, when in an unguarded hour they listen to its fatal insinuations. The plan is so ingeniously contrived, having for its aim one principal point, viz: the establishment of a society in Missouri, over which the contrivers of this delusive system, are to possess unlimited and despotic sway.

To accomplish this, the Elders of the church, by commandment given in Missouri, and of which I was both an eye and an ear witness, are to go forth to preach Mormonism to every creature; and now, said Mr. Rigdon--"The Lord has set us our stint; no matter how soon we perform it--for when this is done, he will make his second appearance."

I do sincerely, and I trust in deep humility, return unfeigned gratitude to the God of infinite mercy, who, in condescension to my weakness, by a peculiar train of providences, brought me to the light, enabled me to see the hidden things of darkness, and delivered me from the snare of the fowler, and from the contagious pestilence which threatened my entire destruction. The scenes of the past few months, are so different from all others in my life, that they are in truth to me "as a dream when one awaketh." Had my fall affected only myself, my reflections would be far less painful than they now are. But to know--that whatever influence I may have possessed, has been exerted to draw others into a delusion, from which they may not soon be extricated, is to me a source of sorrow and deep regret.

They are at this moment the object of my greatest anxiety and commiseration. I crave their forgiveness, and assure them, that they will ever have an interest in my addresses to the throne of grace. It shall be my endeavor to undo, as far as possible, what I have done in this case, and also to prevent the spread of a delusion, pernicious in its influence, and destructive in its consequences to the body and the soul--to the present and eternal interests of all men.
I am, through restoring mercy and grace, as in former years, though unworthily, yet affectionately yours in Christ,

EZRA BOOTH.

FORMER LDS JACKIE LEAVES THE MORMON CHURCH

2006-04-17T19:49:00.001+01:00

My New Testimony - by Jackie Lou Kaldahl

In 1982, at age nine, I was baptized, along with my mother, into the Mormon Church, formally known as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. For the most part, I followed and trusted the teachings and doctrines of the leaders and "prophets" literally with blind faith until my fiance, Rick, loved me enough to study the "Mormon Bible" (The Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ), and thoroughly study Mormon doctrine. With much study, prayer and guidance from trusted Christian pastors and friends, and even from ex-Mormons, he reached the conclusion that the book and the Church were works of the Devil. He argued, debated, pleaded and prayed with me, hoping that I would believe the truth about Mormonism and reach the same conclusion for myself. He exposed me to dangerous, blasphemous and even ridiculous teachings of past and present Mormon "prophets" and leaders that I never even heard of.

All of his pleading and teaching seemed to be in vain because, like most Mormons, I had been convinced that the Book of Mormon and the Mormon Church were the one and only true Church by the power of what I thought to be the Holy Spirit. I had prayed and received a "burning in my bosom", as is taught in Doctrine and Covenants 9:8: "But behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right, I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right."
I "knew" that the Book of Mormon was "true" and no man was going to convince me otherwise. In fact, the more Rick tried to convince me of the falsity of the book and the Church, the more strong my testimony was that they were absolutely true. I was angry, frustrated and confused, but I believed that I was being persecuted and tried for Christ's sake. I felt sure that I would be blessed for it.

As nothing else seemed to work, Rick was becoming more and more frantic, feeling an overwhelming desire to convince me of the lie that I was part of; a lie that I was, with all my might, defending. He didn't know what else to do, and so left me a home-taped video of himself informing me that he could not marry a Mormon and raise Mormon children; that I should find myself a temple-worthy Mormon man with whom to become an eternal goddess and procreate spirit children eternally.

I was devastated. The engagement was broken and so was my heart, for I truly loved him. Hadn't he said that he would stick by me no matter what happened? I felt betrayed. I called him a cruel and heartless liar. I gave back the engagement ring that I had so proudly worn for a few short weeks. I called upon my mother (a devout Mormon) for consolation. She brought two Melchizedek Priesthood holders to my home to give me a blessing for strength and comfort.

The next Sunday, at Fast and Testimony meeting, I bore my testimony of the truthfulness of the Mormon Gospel and my belief that Joseph Smith was a true prophet and had, indeed, restored the true and lost Church of Christ to the earth, and that Ezra Taft Benson was the true and living prophet.

Holding up the gown that I was to wear to wed Rick, I sobbingly told the congregation that Satan had tempted me, but that I was going to "hold to the iron rod." I told everyone that the pain and suffering I was experiencing was increasing my faith and strengthening my testimony. My mother cried with joy; her dream of her eldest daughter becoming worthy to attend the sacred temple with her was becoming more and more a reality. She told me that she had never felt closer to me and that she was so proud of me for being so strong and for choosing the right.

Two days after that Fast and Testimony meeting, Rick came to my home to collect one of his belongings. I had called my sister and a friend over to support me and comfort me while Rick was in my home. I was angry and not ready to face him alone. I sat and watched as he disassembled his fish aquarium and carried it piece by piece out to his car. It took several trips. I followed him on his last trip.

Fearing I might never see or speak to him again, I couldn't bear to see our eight-year friendship end so brutally and so abruptly. I stood there facing him, crying. I didn't know what to say. Finally, I just grabbed him and hugged him as tight as I could. I told him I loved him. I told him I was so hurt and confused but that I wasn't willing to let him go. I told him he was my best friend.

I didn't know what was going to happen because I had heard him tell me about contradictions between the Holy Bible and the Book of Mormon (and other Standard Works of the Church). I had listened when he told me of the crazy teachings and doctrines that past and present "prophets" and leaders taught. I had watched the expose videos like the Mormon edition of The Pagan Invasion series on cults. I had read anti-Mormon literature, such as The Godmakers.

I had gotten down on my knees with him in supplication to the Lord and the God of Adam and Abraham (to be sure I was pleading with the right God) to tell me if I really had been led astray by the Mormon Church and its teachings. I had discussed with Mormon missionaries the things that Rick told me. I read the verses that he asked me to read from the Holy Bible. I was convinced that he was the one being deceived. I was almost as desperate for him to learn the truthfulness of the Mormon Gospel as he was for me to learn the evilness of it. In my heart, I knew that he truly loved me and was not doing all this to hurt me or to drive me insane, but to help me to come to the true and living God for salvation.
We talked for endless hours. We read and prayed together.

I began to have serious doubts about the Mormon Church and I began to see the same things that Rick had seen when he had studied Mormonism. After a few weeks, Rick introduced me to two women, one of whom was a former Mormon. One of the women had a regular column in a quarterly publication called "A Word In Season" published by Word for the Weary, an organization dedicated to bringing the truth of Christ to Mormons. Rick had told them all about me and our dilemma. The meeting was held in the home of one of the women. Interestingly, I felt very comfortable and "at home" with them. I felt comforted, supported and understood by these women.

They knew what I was going through and were willing to help me through it. Weekly personal Bible studies were arranged. I really needed those studies. I had learned enough from Rick about what wasn't true and I needed to know more about what was true. Every minute, every hour, every day after every prayer, after every study and every conversation, I was more and more convinced that Mormonism was, indeed, a work of the Devil and that I wanted no part of it.

I disposed of all the Mormon paraphernalia that was in my house, including videotapes, books, magazines and pictures of temples. I kept my Latter-day Saint issue Bible and the triple-combination of the Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants and The Pearl of Great Price, partly because they were an expensive set and a birthday gift from my mother and partly as a tangible reminder of where I had been. After all, I had spent fourteen years as a Mormon. They could also be used in the future for reference. I bought a Christian issue King James Version of the Holy Bible. I had a lot of studying and a lot of praying to do. I had not only to learn truths, but to unlearn untruths. I had to learn who Jesus Christ really was and develop a personal relationship with Him as my (only) Savior and Lord.

In the fall of 1994, I was overjoyed to announce my newfound faith and trust in the true Jesus Christ, my Lord, King and Savior to my ex-Mormon Bible study partner, Kathleen, and to my loving fiance, Rick. My soul had at last been freed from Satan's powerful grasp. In March of 1995, Rick and I were married at my (still Mormon) mother's home, at her invitation, by Rick's good friend and Southern Baptist Born Again preacher, Robert Lockert.

My testimony has changed so drastically and so quickly that I feel like and, indeed, I am, a new person. I was born again in Christ and He has made me a new being. I want to share my new testimony and my story with others; especially with Mormons, so that they too may have the chance to know the truth and to accept and truly know Jesus Christ as their Savior.
Rick and I are united until death parts us, but we know that we will be good friends in our Father's kingdom, worshipping the Lord our God and singing praises unto Him together forever!
(Thank you, Rick, for "walking on fire" for me and leading me to Jesus. I love you!)

OUT OF MORMONISM - INTO THE ARMS OF JESUS

2006-04-17T00:46:00.000+01:00

Into the Arms of Jesus

by Janet Mertz-Hill

"You're playing with fire," the voice inside my head said. I had just sat down in a Mormon ward for the first time in 21 years. I ignored the warning voice and the service began. How could a Christian woman who had spent the last 20+ years of her life studying the errors of Mormonism come back to what she knew was wrong? Let's start at the beginning...

The year was 1970 and I was 13 years old. My father, being the history buff that he is, took me to Nauvoo, Illinois to tour the old Mormon settlement there. I had no idea what a Mormon was and little did I know, I was about to be taken in by it. As we sat in their visitor's center watching a slide show explaining Joseph Smith and his visions of God and Jesus and angels, I was immediately intrigued. After the slide show was over, I remember turning to my dad and asking him, "Why don't we believe this, Dad?" and he answered matter-of-factly, "Because it's not true." My dad was spiritually mature enough in his Christian walk to discern a counterfeit. I was too unlearned in the scriptures to know of Paul's warning to the Galatians:
I marvel that you are turning away so soon from Him who called you in the grace Of Christ to a different gospel, which is not another; but there are some who trouble you and want to pervert the gospel of Christ. But even if we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel to you than what we have preached to you, let him be accursed. As we have said before, so now I say again, if anyone preaches any other gospel to you than what you have received, let him be accursed. (Galatians 1:6-9)

I, however, was just a kid without any knowledge of counterfeit gospels or the plan of satan to deceive God's children.

I was brought up in a Christian home and we attended church regularly. Our congregation was part of the Lutheran Church in America. Unfortunately, there were no activities for teenagers. At the age of 13, I was in the middle of confirmation classes and the class had a lot of questions. Things weren't as open then as they are now, and many of our questions (i.e., the Trinity) went unanswered. Our Pastor told us to accept this concept by faith and not to question. I was too timid to go to him to explain my questions and to get help in my walk with Jesus, so I kept my concerns inside.

Secretly, I delved into Mormonism as best I could. I would go to the local library and look up information and read books. I only found Mormon "faith promoting" books. It has been said that local Mormon missionaries will go to the libraries and hide any books that they feel show Mormonism in a bad light. That could be the reason why I never found any books that told the other side. Since this was in the early 70's, this was long before the internet and access to historical Mormon documents that told the truth about Joseph Smith and his involvement in the occult and forces of darkness.

Because I kept my interest secret, my parents could not help me see the errors of my ways and by the time they found out, satan had already convinced me that Mormonism was the truth and the path to salvation. I had no idea that I was on the path to hell.

Then came the Osmonds, the only Mormons that I would know for a few years. Being a crazy teenager and a fanatic Osmond fan, they validated what I was studying. They published a lot of pro-Mormon material and spoke about their faith and family. This was also a draw to me as most of my friends came from homes that had problems and my own family had its share of problems. I was too young to realize that all people and families go through rough times...I was looking for utopia and the Mormon church seemed to have all I was looking for.

When I was 16 years old, I told my parents about my desire to attend the Mormon church. They were livid, understandably. They wanted me to talk to the Pastor first. I can still picture that day... I was sitting in his office and told him that I wanted to become a Mormon. He completely freaked out, jumped up and got a Book of Mormon that was on his shelf and, while throwing it on the floor screamed out "Don't you realize you will go straight to hell???" I know now that he was right, but his attempt to convey that to me was lacking in love and compassion and it drove me completely into the fiery pit of Mormonism. Very reluctantly, my parents allowed me to attend, however it was a source of great conflict between us.

A source of grief to me to this day is that I took my best friend with me for the next few years of my journey. She was a good Baptist girl and to this day remains in the clutches of Mormonism. I continue to pray for her and her husband and children that they will desire to know the true Jesus and will be set free from the bondage that they are under.

When we started attending the Mormon church, we were instantly "love bombed" by the members. This is one of the many techniques used by cults. I had new friends, lots of activities and was very impressed by the family unity that I saw. Many of these families would fall apart in the years to come, but initially I had my blinders on and was only seeing the good. My best friend and I started taking the missionary discussions on a weekly basis. I remember praying fervently that God would tell me that the Book of Mormon was true. I received no answer at all because my mind was already made up and I wouldn't have listened to anything contrary to that. If I had been open to receiving an answer from God and it was against the Book of Mormon, I would have dismissed it as an answer from satan. In retrospect, I know it was satan who was guiding my steps into Mormonism and putting the scales on my eyes. I remember giving a birthday present to a Mormon girlfriend of mine -- a beautiful cross. I can still see the look on her face when she opened it...she was momentarily speechless. Then she said, "Janet, we don't wear crosses." "You don't wear crosses??" I said, "Why?" She replied, "Because they represent the death of Jesus...it's like wearing an electric chair on a chain." I now believe that Mormons shun this Christian symbol because they do not accept the saving blood of Jesus. Theirs is a works-based religion and their Jesus only died for original sin. Each Mormon must earn their own way to Heaven and work out their own salvation.

My parents finally allowed me to be baptized into Mormonism in January of 1975. My mom said she would sew my baptismal dress (it was hard to find an all-white dress in winter) and she cried all the time she sewed it. My parents felt that I had already been baptized and could see no need to do it again.

My father would not attend, but my mother and grandmother did. They attended only out of love for me...in their hearts they were mortified by my actions and cried through the whole service. I remember being taught prior to my baptism that the experience was going to be so wonderful and that all my sins would be cleansed and I would literally have a clean slate.

When I came up out of the baptismal waters, I felt no change at all. I was so disappointed and secretly blamed myself and lack of faith. But as all cult members do, I faked it and pretended it was glorious. It would be years before I would come to know the true Jesus. It would be years before the scales would fall from my eyes and I would know that it is only Jesus who can forgive our sins and make us a new creature.

Shortly after my baptism I took a road trip with three other friends to Utah. It was on this trip that I was able to visit the Salt Lake temple for the first time, to do "baptisms for the dead."
The view that deceased human beings can hear and receive the gospel of Jesus Christ in the spirit world, and through proxy baptism performed for them on earth may attain eternal life in the presence of God, is one of the distinctive doctrines of Mormonism that separates it from historic, Biblical Christianity. Mormons believe that everyone will be given a chance to accept their gospel, even those who have died. Because baptism is essential to salvation, they perform baptisms by proxy for the dead.

As Paul said in 2 Corinthians 6:2, "Behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation." God offers salvation to all people. Many people put off a decision for Christ, thinking that there will be a better time -- but they could easily miss their opportunity altogether. There is no opportunity for salvation after death. Mormons spend a great deal of their time compiling their genealogies for this purpose as well as for additional temple rituals to be performed for their dead relatives. The Bible tells us to avoid genealogies, for they are unprofitable and useless (Titus 3:9).

These rituals are done only in their temples. The outfit that you wear can best be described as a jumpsuit with snaps. All jewelry and clothes are removed and then you put on the jumpsuit. (I remember being mortified because this was the first time I went braless since I became a young woman.) After the jumpsuit is put on, you are ushered to chairs around the baptismal font, where you sit and wait your turn. A Mormon priesthood holder is in the font with you and reads the names of the dead off of a video screen, as he baptizes you "for and on behalf of [name], who is dead." Being that I was such a fervent believer, this should have been my ultimate religious experience so far! Here I was in the "House of the Lord" for the first time in my life. Quite the opposite, though. I was filled with a feeling of dread and darkness and depression. I can't even remember how many dead people I was baptized for, because it was so long ago. However, I can remember the dark feelings that came over me as I tried to perform the rituals that I thought were commanded of God. Now I realize that God was starting to work on me and was showing the errors of my ways. However, I buried those dark feelings of dread and gloom and pretended to my friends later that it was such a wonderful, spiritual experience. Mormons aren't allowed to discuss their experiences outside of the temple, so I had no one to turn to help me. And I still wasn't asking God what He thought. I had the Mormon church to tell me (their) god's will and I continued to listen to their erroneous gospel that Paul warned about.

I attended Brigham Young University for one year where my belief in Mormonism was strengthened even more. However, I remember one Sunday School lesson on sin. The teacher wrote a list of sins on the blackboard and then drew a line between the list. He said every sin below this line would have to be confessed face to face with a bishop, or we would have no salvation. (How contrary this is to the saving blood of Jesus!!) I remember coming home from class and writing in my journal "This is one of the darkest days of my life...." How tragic that any child has to be forced to talk to a man about certain sins, when Jesus is right there with open, loving arms to console us and heal us and forgive us of our sins. There is no need for a mediator, when we can go right to our Blessed Savior. I never did confess my sins to the Mormon bishop and was convinced for a few years that I had no chance to attain one of the Mormon levels of heaven because of it. This same year I was also able to finally meet the only other member of my family who was Mormon, my 2nd cousin, Doug. We had been corresponding for quite awhile and he was entering the Language Training Mission in Provo, before he left for his mission in France.

I returned home from BYU in 1976, due to family obligations and lack of money. I continued to be active in the Joliet Ward and in Young Adults (the Mormon group for single adults) and just about every activity that they offered. It was during this time that problems that I had with various doctrines began to surface. The two main thorns in my side were polygamy and racism towards blacks. Mormons believe that polygamy is an eternal truth and will be practiced in the next life (if you are "lucky" enough to attain the highest degree of Mormon heaven). They believe that their Father in Heaven is an exalted man who lives on a planet near the star named "Kolob" with his many (if not thousands) of polygamous wives, creating spiritual children the same way children are conceived on earth. I could not comprehend how something as repulsive as polygamy could be what awaited me if I attained godesshood someday.

Mormon women cannot attain godhood on their own, but if they are sealed (marriage ritual performed in their temples) to a man who attains godhood, they can then become a goddess in heaven. I remember one of the young women's teachers told us during class, with tears streaming down her face, how she didn't want to have to share her husband in the next life, but if that was what Heavenly Father wanted, she would accept it. How tragic what Mormon women have to endure as they strive to please God. I also had a very hard time accepting that blacks were cursed and that black skin was a sign of this curse.

It was because of my concerns over these doctrines that I set up a time to meet with the Bishop. He told me it was my lack of faith that caused me to question these doctrines and that I needed to pray and stop questioning. He wouldn't talk to me at all, nor would he try and help me understand how these doctrines could be from God. He also encouraged me to quit my job because he said it was a bad influence on me. That was completely bizarre to me because I don't think he knew anything about my job or the people that I worked with. I left his office in tears.
Not long after this, my home teachers came to pay their monthly visit. Home teachers are assigned to each family (or single person) in the ward and they offer counsel and support to the members. They also report any problems back to the Bishop, so that he knows what is going on. It was in my parents' living room that one of my home teachers counseled me to leave home and to have nothing more to do with my "non-member" parents. Maybe they were thinking it was my parents that were causing me to doubt and question. However, even though my parents and I had religious differences, I loved them dearly and had no intention of "divorcing" them because of it.

I also was smart enough to know that Heavenly Father would never want me to do this. Cults often demand or encourage their believers to sever ties with non-believers. Mormons are encouraged to divorce their spouses when the other one begins to question or leaves the Mormon church completely. For all their talk about family togetherness and "families are forever," the Mormon church was attempting to break up mine and -- praise God -- I refused to let that happen.

The following is a wonderful example of what was beginning to happen to me, and even though it is not religious in nature, I know it was God who was beginning to take the scales from my eyes and the "paint chips" off my body and mind:
Paint Chipsauthor unknown
Being a part of the Mormon church is like having your whole body painted with many layers. First you get the lessons... there are several coats of doctrine. Then you get baptized and confirmed; two more thick coats of paint. The "paint" is intended to refurbish you as a member, to make you more acceptable to the church, to "God," to others. With each Relief Society or Priesthood lesson, another coat is applied. With each meeting, each interview, the layers of paint build. A trip to the Temple takes several coats and is inspected after each year. Then one day, you realize, you can't move! When you question about your lack of movement, the inspector tells you that your foundation is just fine. You try and sit still and remain the representation of a church "remodeled" member. But the questions come from within.

Then you hear something. A crack. A deep crack begins from the inside out. You doubt yourself because you know if you don't keep quiet, someone will hear! Someone will SEE that your appearance is now damaged. Someone might question if you have been properly taking care of your foundation, etc. Then one day, it happens. Just a small patch breaks away. You see something unusual. You touch it and are surprised. "Is that my skin?" you ask. It feels so alive and real. You begin to gently pick it away, then in a fervor you are scraping as much as you can off. Paint chips are everywhere! Soon you are standing there uncovered. You feel free. You breathe. Your body aches from the release of all that weight. You sigh and do not worry that other "painted folks" will see you without your so called "protective shell" You start the clean up job. Quickly and efficiently you sweep up all the chips and flakes. There are so many of them! It seems overwhelming at first, but then the job is done.

All the mess is tossed out. You love your clean house; the way your body can breathe and move and LIVE! You are rearranging your life and then BAM you find a paint chip under the rug. Somehow you missed it...or did you save it? One day you go to get a coat and a few missed chips fall from a sleeve. Little reminders of what used to be. "It may take a while to get rid of all this residue" you say. But that is ok.

The paint chips were starting to fall. I slowly became inactive in the Mormon church. I began studying the Bible and learning the true word of God. I read any Christian apologetics books I could find that addressed Mormonism. And I was haunted by horrible nightmares. Nightmares about going to hell. One evening I broke down crying at the kitchen table and told my parents I was afraid I was going to hell. They were completely shocked and didn't know what to do so they sent me to a psychologist who also happened to be a Christian. He admitted that my concerns were beyond the usual scope of his practice, but he would make an exception this time. He asked me bluntly if I thought he was going to hell. I said no, of course not, you are a Christian. Then he asked me why I thought I was going to hell. I admitted that the Mormon church had brainwashed me so much that even though I highly doubted it was true, the guilt remained. It would take many more years before the guilt and fear would be completely removed.

Because Mormonism undermines all Christian denominations (even their temple ceremony prior to 1990 called Christian pastors "hirelings" of satan), a lot of people that are lucky enough to get out never find God. Even though I had a belief in God and considered myself a Christian, for a few years I did not attend services anywhere. I was in no hurry to jump back into organized religion.

I eventually returned to the Lutheran Church and felt great peace when I did. I felt a real burden to inform Christians about the beliefs of Mormonism and gave many presentations to church groups about it and told my story. Praise God that many people had no idea what Mormonism taught and were shocked when they found out. I was lucky enough to be asked to counsel a young man in my congregation who was thinking of joining Mormonism because of his girlfriend.

Thank God he did not join and I was blessed to be able to have a part in his decision.
One thing that I always wrestled with was feelings once I was out of Mormonism and in Christianity. I could never reconcile why I was such a fervent, enthusiastic Mormon but could not duplicate (or better yet, increase) those feelings in Christianity. I would stay enthused for a week or so and then it would fade away. I didn't realize at the time this was because I had not completely committed my life to Jesus. I believed but I was holding back, fearful of becoming a "fanatic" or worse, one of those people who were always talking about being born-again.
I was also trying to fit God into my beliefs, instead of letting God change me as He saw fit. I was a member of a liberal protestant congregation. I even worked at the headquarters of this denomination, thinking that if I worked for God full-time, I could feel what I used to feel when I was a Mormon.

But that proved fruitless because I wasn't ready to commit my heart just yet.
In the year 2000, my husband and I moved to New Mexico. Even though the scenery was beautiful and we had a lovely home, I was very lonely inside and missed my parents and friends greatly. It was during this time that my extremely devoted Mormon cousin began having family problems. I looked for a Christian book to comfort him but knowing our beliefs were so different, I thought perhaps a Mormon book would help him more. After I purchased the book at the local Mormon bookstore, I started to leaf through it. Big mistake. Looking back on it now, I realize this was akin to dabbling with a ouija board or other occultic behavior. I was opening up the floodgates of all my past beliefs and memories and satan used this to draw me back in. By the time I finished the book, I was almost convinced again Mormonism was true and that I had been deceived for the past 20+ years. It's funny, because after I read this book and all the books that I would read within the next month, I was fearful of the dark again. I would always leave a light on at night and sleep with the covers over my head. Deep down inside my soul must have realized that I was again traveling on the dark side and forces were around me trying to finish me off for good.

"You're playing with fire," the voice inside my head said. I had just sat down in a Mormon ward for the first time in 21 years. I ignored the warning voice and the service began. How could a Christian woman who had spent the last 20+ years of her life studying the errors of Mormonism come back to what she knew was wrong? It was Easter Sunday at the Bernalillo Ward. I was looking forward to hearing local ward members talk about the glorious resurrection of our Savior! None did, though. It was business as usual. There was one talk about how thrilled one of the members was to see one of their general authorities in the temple. Where was Jesus? I ignored that thought for the next month as I attended Mormon services and met with the bishop to work on getting rebaptized and coming back into full fellowship with Mormonism. I was literally in a daze.

I had finally had my name removed from their records just 4 months earlier and I now had to undo what I had done. Part of me knew I was doing wrong, but satan causes evil things to appear good. The bishop counseled me not to tell any of my Christian friends that I was going back to Mormonism. He was afraid they would try and talk me out of it. He wanted me to get rebaptized quickly and get me into the temple to do baptisms for the dead. Normally a person would have to wait a year after they got rebaptized to go to the temple, but he wanted me in there within a few months. Satan was trying very hard to get his claws as deep into me as possible and the temple was one way to do it. The more temple work that a Mormon does, the deeper into the abyss they go. But God had another plan for me.

Trying to explain to my parents that I had been wrong about Mormonism was a chore. I took the coward's way out and emailed my mother. At least that way I wouldn't have to see her faint or scream out. I know that deep down inside my husband (a wonderful Christian African-American man) must have been completely repulsed, since I had previously taught him all of the racist statements of the Mormon "prophets." However, nobody really said much for fear they would drive me farther into it. A Christian friend of mine immediately put me on a prayer list and I know that others were praying that I would change my mind. Miraculously, their prayers would work quickly.

About a month later while driving to work, I was playing a tape by Nicole Nordeman, a Christian singer. I had purchased this tape before my journey back into Mormonism. As this song played, the words really touched my heart:
To Know You
It's well past midnight And I'm awake with questions that won't Wait for daylight Separating fact from my imaginary fiction On this shelf of my conviction I need to find a place Where You and I come face to face Thomas needed Proof that You had really risen Undefeated When he placed his fingers Where the nails once broke Your skin Did his faith finally begin? I've lied if I've deniedThe common ground I've shared with him And I, I really want to know YouI want to make each day A different way that I can show You how I really want to love You Be patient with my doubt I'm just tryin' to figure out Your will And I really want to know You still Nicodemus Could not understand how You could Truly free us He struggled with the image Of a grown man born again We might have been good friends 'Cause sometimes I still question, too How easily we come to You No more campin' on the porch of indecision No more sleepin' under stars of apathyAnd it might be easier to dream But dreamin's not for me
God literally touched my heart with this song and I began crying uncontrollably and saying out loud "What am I doing??? How can I deny my Savior???" The scales literally fell from my eyes during that drive to work and little did I know that in two days I would be permanently born again. I remember having a really hard time concentrating on work that day.
Two days later while again driving to work, I heard a voice inside of me say "Go to Calvary Chapel in Albuquerque." This was really strange to me because I knew nothing about this Church. I had no idea it was a vibrant, exciting group of believers with a renowned Senior Pastor named Skip Heitzig. But God knew what I needed and He led me right where He wanted me to be.
This time I did not ignore the voice in my head and attended Wednesday night worship/Bible study. I was scared and tried to anonymously blend in with the crowd. I didn't know what to expect....I worried that people might be screaming out or talking in tongues. But the people around me looked normal, but had a special glow that I hadn't seen before. When the service started, we sang the most wonderful songs...the Holy Spirit was so strong and unlike anything I had ever felt before. I was so full of warmth and the Love of God...tears fell down my cheeks as I finally submitted my life and heart to Jesus. Completely. No holding back, no trying to fit God into my liberal beliefs. I completely wanted to do God's will in my life. I was finally born again!!
I truly believe that God allowed me to go back into Mormonism to reignite the desire I once had to be in a ministry to inform Christians of the beliefs of this cult. And I know that it was God who reached down and yanked me out before I got into it too deeply. I can almost picture my Savior pulling me out of the abyss, saying "No satan, this one's Mine. You almost got her once and you're not getting her again!"
My life has changed so much...what blessings I have experienced. God knew exactly what I needed and gave it to me when the time was right. I no longer have to wrestle with trying to duplicate my devotion to Mormonism.
I have such a love for Jesus now and it is beyond compare with anything I ever felt in the spiritual darkness of Mormonism. The love of Jesus is full of divine light and our lives reflect that love when we give our hearts to Jesus.
I thank God every day for saving me and pray that He can use me to warn others. May God bless the Mormon people and lead them to the true saving Grace of Jesus.

DEAR READER PLEASE FEEL FREE TO E-MAIL JANET WITH ANY QUESTIONS

Email Janet: ExMormon@JesusAnswers.com

TESTIMONY OF EX MORMON KATRINA

2006-04-17T00:41:00.000+01:00

Heavenly Father Brought Me out of the LDS Church

by Katrina Marti

While I was raised a Mormon, after my wedding at 18, I slowly drifted away from the Church. Many years went by during which my life was one of typical worldliness. One day, when my oldest son was 11, he announced he wanted to be baptized.

I knew that he couldn't just be baptized, so I started to take him to church. After several weeks of taking him to the LDS Church, I was converted and became active again. I mean, I was really active. I had several callings, attended the temple at least monthly, held home evening every week, read from the Book of Mormon daily with my kids and in private, and fellowshipped almost exclusively with Mormon friends.

I did all of this not because I knew the Mormon Church was true (although I said I did), but instead because I had come to know my Heavenly Father in a very real and personal way. I knew He lived and that He loved me and cared for my family. Because the experience that brought me to this knowledge had happened in the LDS church, I thought that meant it was the true church.

After a couple years my marriage, which was not particularly strong, fell apart. Throughout the year and a half of separation and finally divorce, I clung to the Lord and felt His strength in every part of my life. I was so blessed by Him throughout this time of trial!

Soon afterwards the Lord brought my current husband and I together. Since he was also a Mormon, I thought we were headed for a life of celestial happiness (the Mormon way). But, my husband started to voice doubts about the Church soon after we were married. You can imagine my fear and frustration about this situation. However, since I knew Heavenly Father had brought us together, and since I knew my husband was a sincere seeker of truth, I knew my husband would eventually come to know the truth of the Church.

About a year later, while praying about this situation (our divided house), Heavenly Father answered my prayer by telling me to follow my husband when he had made up his mind. I knew this was a true answer from Heavenly Father by the sweet assurance of the spirit afterwards. Of course I figured that the answer my husband would get would be that the LDS Church was true (he was spending lots of time praying about this very issue). However, when my husband finally announced his decision, it was not for the LDS Church, but instead was against it.
In tears and great anguish, I gave up my calling in young women, handed in my temple recommend, and started attending a nearby Christian church.

There however, I was to really have my eyes opened as the ladies were doing a simple Bible study on the Lord's prayer. For the first time, in the context of this study, I had my eyes really opened to Christian doctrine and how it completely and totally fit the context of the Bible, as opposed to LDS doctrine that tried to fit their beliefs with small passages of scripture taken out of context or in opposition to other passages of scripture.

This was an amazing revelation and the more I studied the more I came to see how simple and yet wonderful God's amazing gospel was. Bible passages I had wrestled with, trying to understand from a LDS context, became so clear and obvious that I was really amazed I hadn't been able to see before. There was truly nothing hidden or secret about this gospel of Jesus Christ. Instead it was easy: Men were fallen and in a sin state. In fact, no one was (or could be) righteous. Then, Christ died for all of fallen mankind and all mankind has to do to receive this free gift was to trust in Christ.

LDS people claim to teach and preach of Christ, but the Christ they preach is a great man who did a wonderful thing, an older brother, the spirit brother to Satan (and the rest of us). He is not to be worshiped. In fact, what exactly we are supposed to do with Christ wasn't clear to me as a Mormon. This wasn't the Christ I came to find in the Bible. Instead, the Christ I found is the Creator of this world and indeed the whole universe; the Creator of my soul and my body. He is God With Us. He is the Everlasting Father, Wonderful Counselor, the Mighty God, the Prince of Peace. He is the great I AM. It is to Him we owe our allegiance and worship. Praise God for the gift of His Son to the world!

Anyway, I could go on and on about the difference in my life, but it really comes down to worshipping God. As a Christian I have joy. As a Mormon I had callings. As a Christian I daily praise Jesus and worship Him. As a Mormon I worked hard and tried to keep all the commandments -- and failed daily. As a Christian I find there are many commandments and many good practices I try to do, but since I fail daily, instead of worrying and striving, I worship and praise God and trust that He will sanctify me. As a Mormon I worshiped my children, my parents, my husband, and my church. As a Christian I love my family, I go to church -- but I worship my God.

TESTIMONY OF SIXTH GENERATION - EX MORMON TRICIA

2006-04-17T00:00:00.001+01:00

A Sixth Generation Latter-day Saint, an Unfulfilled Hunger for Jesus Led Her to Question the Faith In Which She Was Raised.

My name is Patricia Bunnell. I was born and raised in Provo, Utah. I was a 6th generation Mormon. When I was 21 I was called to go on a mission to Hong Kong, but developed some health problems in the Missionary Training Center and was released to recover. I never did go on to finish any mission. In the church, I had various callings in all the various auxiliaries (except priesthood). I was at one point, learning the endowment ceremony word for word so I could interpret it into tactile sign language to work with the deaf/blind patrons.

I met my husband to be shortly after he returned home from a mission to the Philippines. We married in the Provo Temple and shortly after that moved to Spokane, Washington. While we lived there, we had two boys and adopted a third. In our neighborhood, we had three different pastors of three different churches. I was always suspicious of them, because I thought they might "indoctrinate" me. Also because I was always told that they were preaching because of the money ... that was their "profession" so to speak. Also, as a temple believing Mormon, I was taught that they preached the philosophies of men ... mingled with scripture and were actually in cahoots with Satan but were too dumb to know it. (Yes, prior to 1990 they actually taught these kinds of concepts in their revered temples.) Also because in the Book of Mormon in 1 Nephi 14:10-11 it calls all churches other than the church of the lamb of God (the LDS church) "… the whore of all the earth." I believed that protestant religion was all corrupt, so naturally I was suspicious of their ministers. On the other hand ... the church wanted everyone to believe that they too were Christian. It was confusing to me. I felt that I had the "only true church" and they only had parts of the truth.

When my boys got old enough to want to play with the neighbor kids I felt this conflict within. I wanted them to have "good" playmates and well supervised activities. The LDS families in our neighborhood had kids near the same ages as my own, but their kids were awful! I reasoned within myself that "If we were Christian, and they were Christian ... but only had part of the truth, I would be smart enough to see their error." Also, we were encouraged by the LDS church to become involved with the community so that we could meet potential converts. If I were to only have LDS friends and associates, I would never have the opportunity to be a member missionary. So, I began to reach out, both into my community and to my neighborhood. None of the pastors or their wives tried to convert me to their church or religion. However, it was because of their examples that I began to hunger for this relationship that they had with Jesus. It was apparent in the way that they would pray, that they could talk to God as if He would listen. They also believed that He would answer their prayers and it was not predicated on their worthiness. This stumped me many times, and I would have to go home and think about this. My friend and pastor's wife, Cheryl, would often say "Praise Jesus." As a Mormon, I would think, "How irreverent." Doesn't she know that she shouldn't use Jesus name like that? On the other hand, I would go home and think, "Wow ... she was giving Jesus the praise that He was due, for the miracle He just did." It was confusing to me at times.

It would be because of circumstances like this that would cause me to think. Another friend named Cheryl (different from the pastor's wife) invited me to her house for "tea." She was trying to educate me on the problems of Mormonism. Then I thought she was bashing my religion. It kind of bothered me because she was doing this, but I also thought it was because she cared about me and my soul that she brought it up. At the end of our conversation, I asked her what her church said I had to do in order to gain salvation. She said that a person needed to believe in Jesus. Well ... I believed in Jesus. She said that they needed to trust in Him ... again, I thought I trusted in Him. She got a little frustrated and said ...You've got to have a relationship with Him. BINGO ... I knew I didn't have that relationship. I paid my tithing, went to church faithfully, supported my husband in his priesthood, had children, went to the temple, read my Mormon scriptures, had family home evening, in essence ... I did everything that was expected of me. And yet ... I knew I didn't have a relationship with Jesus.

I went home more determined than ever to gain this relationship. I threw myself into my efforts in the church. I prepared my lessons weeks in advance for any calling that I had. I would read and pray more than ever. I took on more callings, even more visiting teaching. One of the other pastors wives, Nancy, introduced me to Christian music. I didn't know what it was called then, but later learned that it was "Praise and Worship" music. I fell in love with it the first time I heard it. I would listen to it during the day, and turn it off before my husband would come home. I wasn't exactly sure how to explain it to him. Once I decided that I wanted to share it with him, I used the 13th article of faith to show him it was okay to listen to. At first, he seemed taken back by it. Then when I quoted the 13th article of faith to him, he couldn't say much against it. What I didn't know was that he was listening to Michael W. Smith at work. He also had some born again Christians that he worked with that were sharing music with him. All of these people were praying for us, we learned later. Eventually, we bought more Christian music. One artist had more of an impact on us than any other. His music wasn't just "good" lyrics put to music, he would sing bible stories. He had a way of making them come to life. It would make us go to our bible and read about the stories that he sang about.

We eventually moved from Spokane to the Seattle area. While we were there, we started in a regular ward, and then later helped to start a deaf branch in the Lynnwood, Washington Stake. I was so busy that year with the branch that I had little time for much else. This is when I started to memorize the endowment ceremony for the deaf/blind. While I would be reading parts of the endowment, I would see things in it that really bothered me. The part where Lucifer is asked about his clothing and he explains that he is wearing an apron that represents his power and priesthoods.

Shortly after he says that, he tells Adam and Eve to make themselves an apron and then we all put one on. It is exactly like Lucifer's, except ours was green and his was black. I began to have questions about the whole ceremony.

My husband was working just as hard in the branch as I was. We each had 3 or 4 callings in the branch as well as caring for our children. It was easy to get burned out. During this time, we each started to wonder about God and if this was what he meant in the temple where he made us covenant to give everything to the building up of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

One day, while we were walking our dog at night, I asked my husband if he ever really felt that he was "worthy" enough to go to the Celestial kingdom. He laughed, because he was about to ask me the same question and I beat him to it. He said no and then asked me if I did. I told him that I didn't think anyone was capable. We decided that we would quit going to the deaf branch and start attending the ward again. We thought that maybe the stress of going to the branch was just too much. We were both hungering for Jesus. We wanted to learn about him. I remember my husband telling me that he decided to read the bible, because the people that wrote it, knew Jesus in person. They would tell the stories about His life that he wanted to hear.

The last Sunday we ever went to the LDS church was the Sunday before Christmas. I wanted to hear about the birth of Jesus. I was so excited to go and learn about Him. Instead, they had a typical "tithing settlement" talk. It was so disappointing to me. I could never understand why they would give a big talk on tithing settlement at the end of the year. If people hadn't paid a full tithe, it was too late by the end of the year! It would have been impossible for most people to make it up by then.

Anyway ... I was so upset, that I went home and phoned a friend that was not LDS. I repeated the whole talk to her and she said...."You are mad, because you can't buy God's blessings. You are also mad, because you can't buy His love." This was exactly what I was feeling. Funny thing is, this particular friend was an atheist.

After leaving the church, I had many emotions to work through ... anger, fear, sorrow, betrayal, and finally ... unspeakable joy. At first, I was afraid that I was walking away from God. I can't begin to describe how that felt. Then, as I opened my mind and began to read, I learned about the lies and deception of the LDS church. This brought anger and betrayal. As I began to talk about these discrepancies to LDS people, they would discount the information and tell me that the problem wasn't the church, but it was me. I was flawed, never had a testimony, if I did have one it was weak. I wasn't praying, reading my Mormon scriptures, I was back biting the leaders of the church, listening to the enemy ... whatever. This is what they felt lead me out of the church. Not one of them, had actually read the church history. This brought feelings of sorrow. Family members would also turn away from us. The good news is that God did not abandon me. Through Christians that He brought into my life, He showed me that His way was different than the LDS way. He showed me His grace and love for me personally. I found Him in the bible. I learned about Him through bible studies. Yes, I lost a lot by leaving the LDS church, but I've gained more. The relationship I so desperately wanted for years was finally gained, not through religion but by placing my faith in Him. In His finished work on the cross. He didn't die for me because I was GOOD ... He died for me because I was BAD. He loved me enough to die for me ... even when I was bad. It took me years to learn, that this is what it means to have a "relationship" with Jesus. I praise God everyday that He chose me, with all my flaws. I love Him even more because He also brought my husband and children out of the grips of the LDS church as well.

I hope that this story has given you encouragement. If you have a friend or loved one in the LDS church, there is hope. His name is Jesus. Pray to Him, and let Him guide your loved ones out.

In Christ's love,
Tricia

BYU SENIOR GARY FINDS THE TRUTH

2006-04-16T23:48:00.001+01:00

While a Senior at BYU, His Research Raised Troubling Questions About the Foundations of the LDS Church

It is difficult to know where to begin my story. I am not certain exactly where things started, but the reader may already have an idea about where things end. To avoid missing some important detail to which only the reader may become aware, I will start at the very beginning and give a few details leading up to my conversion to Christianity. In the end I hope the LDS reader will give a second thought to the verse of scripture found in Mark 8:36: "For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?" (KJV)

I was born in Texas in 1971. My mother and father, both LDS, were visiting Texas as the result of a war at the time. My father had been drafted to fight in Vietnam and was in Army training there. Within a year of my birth we had returned to our true home in the Salt Lake valley, Utah.

I was raised in Utah and did the usual Mormon things. I was baptized at eight, conferred the Aaronic Priesthood at twelve, made an Elder at eighteen and served a twenty-five month mission in the Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania area.

It is easy to follow something taught to you from birth on. It is even easier to follow something if the culture surrounding you oozes appreciation and respect for living it. It is all the more easy to follow something if by rejecting it you lose all of that appreciation and respect from those you admire most. I first began to realize these points when I left my home to journey into the mission field.

On my mission I lived for the first time in an area where Mormonism did not flourish and an understanding of it was unclear. Many of the people I met and spoke with only knew of Mormon polygamy and thought the practice was still observed by Mormons. This may be attributed to afternoon talk shows with Mormon Fundamentalist guests.

Ignorance aside, my mission was the first time I learned to understand what it means to be a minority and to be the recipient of religious persecution. I was denied check cashing at banks where I feel quite certain a black coat with a starched white collar would have guaranteed me cash. I was nearly run over crossing the street in a crosswalk. I was yelled at, spit on, bitten (by a drunk man) and had large dogs sent out after me. In all, I survived but came to the realization that the LDS Church was not respected outside of Utah the way it is inside the state. For this reason, some may wonder why I continue to choose to live in Utah after leaving the faith.

Often when people discover I am no longer a Mormon, they began to question me hoping to discover some piece of information that will blossom into an epiphany surrounding my decision to leave. They never seem to be listening to what I say as much as searching for some hidden words, some meaning between the lines as to what went wrong with me. This is a security blanket for members of the LDS Church. They don’t believe that anything righteous, holy, or truthful could lead a person out of the faith. So to protect against just such a possibility, they place labels on people who leave. This one was an adulterer and excommunicated. That one was a drug addict and another one had some awful terrible experience on his mission that corrupted his thinking. That is the sort of thing a person begins to listen for when I speak so they may label me and be on there merry way, all the more faithful in their religion after speaking to me. If the reader is in these shoes, please consider with an open mind the rest of my story before finally categorizing me.

I was not discouraged by my mission, but rather greatly encouraged. I gained a zeal for searching the scriptures and a hunger for understanding of the truths surrounding the foundation of the Church to which I belonged. I read the entire Standard Works all on my own for the first time. I had never read the Bible cover to cover until my mission. I am convinced by speaking with the many missionaries with which I became acquainted that many Mormons never do complete this seemingly insurmountable chore. Many may question the wisdom of reading a book with over a thousand pages when only believing it to be "true as far as it is translated correctly." The reader may be familiar with a book of less than half the size of the Bible to be the "most correct of any book" and that "a man would get nearer to God by abiding by its precepts, than by any other book."

For a moment I will make some basic assumptions. These assumptions guided me in my studies on my mission, and continue to do so today. The first is faith in the Holy Ghost: "But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you." John 14:26 (KJV)

These are the words of Jesus Christ and I believe them. The Holy Ghost is the reason I believe them. For any Mormon over the age of eight who has been confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, the Holy Ghost is not only a source of affirmation to the truths taught by Jesus Christ, but also supposed to be a constant companion — provided the member has kept herself worthy to receive this gift. Either way, I feel comfortable asserting that God will guide the honest reader as she reads the Bible and confirm its truth.

The second assumption I wish to make is taken from the words of Jesus Christ: "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." John 8:32 (KJV)

These are beautiful words. Even more powerful is the effect they can have on the honest reader who seeks their certainty. Truth is freedom and truth is also eternal. My father once shared some wisdom with me when he told me, "Its either all true or its all false," speaking of the LDS Church. There is no halfway with Mormonism or with God: "So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth." Rev 3:16 (KJV)

With the basic assumptions that the Holy Ghost would confirm truth to me and that the truth would make me free, I buried myself in LDS studies following my honorable release from the mission field. I attended Ricks College and graduated after receiving the "Student of the Week" award for "outstanding and well balanced dedication to academic, personal, and religious responsibilities." I then moved on to Brigham Young University where I further intensified my studies into LDS history. I spent many hours on the fifth floor of the Harold B. Lee library. A wonderful collection of LDS history books is kept there both inside and outside of the Special Collections room. My most dedicated study would occur during the 1995-96 academic year. But before I give away the results of my studies, I should say that my luck was about to change.

In March of 1996 I became engaged to my wife, to whom I have now been married for nearly three years. The summer of ’96 became the most important for me as I was searching for absolutes that would cement my life to God in starting a family of my own. Joining me in my quest for knowledge and understanding was a non-Mormon from New Mexico who traveled to Provo to decide for himself whether the LDS Church was true. My fiance also took interest in this challenge and together the three of us began to read and share conversation of the foundations of Mormondom.

By late summer I had stumbled across at least three facts of which I had formerly been entirely ignorant. One, that Joseph Smith waited over a decade to write his first account of the First Vision. That this account only mentioned one being and that the third of four accounts was the first to mention more than one being. I found this especially troubling because the foundation of the LDS understanding of the Godhead is based on this event.

Two, that the Egyptian papyrus scrolls from which Joseph Smith translated the Book of Abraham in the Pearl of Great Price had not been burned up in a museum as I had been led to believe, but were rediscovered by a University of Utah Professor in the back room of a museum in an eastern state. These scrolls, now translatable by Egyptologists since the Rosetta stone cracked the Egyptian language, were examined by the Church and led to entire families (those doing the examining) leaving the (mormon) faith as well as the sealing off of the originals in a Church vault. Early published articles in the Ensign promised translations to later appear, proving the LDS Church to be true to the world. These publications never occurred, possibly due to the scrolls having more to do with the Egyptian Book of the Dead and less to do with anything related to Abraham. This troubled me even more since the only opportunity to prove Joseph Smith’s translations accurate only showed them to be entirely false and misleading.

Three, that the LDS Church is not the "only true and living church upon the face of the whole earth." I learned and realized for the first time that the LDS Church was an organization built upon a false foundation. This discovery was not simply the result of the two formerly mentioned points, but the culmination of a slew of discoveries made in my research. I would highly recommend a few good books that I will list at the end of this testimony – to those seeking to defend and understand the truth.

When I knew that the Mormon Church was not true, I did not know what to do about it. I was a senior attending BYU. I was about to be married with both my own family and part of my wife’s family expecting an LDS temple marriage. I was living in a community over 92% LDS who’s culture expected me to be Mormon. I was depressed by the facts I could no longer doubt. I was angry at those who fervently repeated testimonies with the five recommended points convincing me that lies were truths. I was hurt.

When a person is at their lowest of lows, God sometimes reaches down to lift that person miraculously from their pit to show them something better.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me."
Psalms 23:4 (KJV)

Looking back on the moment of realization, I often feel that a part of me died that day. I had previously held doubts and questions under breath, feeling that answers I hoped for were somehow trivial and less important than the general message of the LDS Church. That message seemed to be family first, morals nearly beyond compare, and dedication to the teachings of your faith.

How could a religion that teaches such valuable lessons be false at the core?

I have since come to an understanding that many religions teach valuable and moral lessons to people. I took a world religions class at BYU and learned many good things about eastern religions. However, the roadblock to this sort of religious relativism, that all paths lead to the top of the same mountain, was the point my father had made with me. If absolute truth exists, really exists, and I believe it does, then all religions could not be true because they each have their own set of contrary doctrines. And no matter how much respect I gain for other religions, none of them teach of Jesus Christ or salvation by faith.

"For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God."
Ephesians 2:8 (KJV)

For a period of time all I could do was deal with my anger, sadness—even depression—and try to go on.

My fiance and I decided to be married by a Justice of the Peace rather than in a Temple or by a Mormon Bishop who would only counsel us to be married in the Temple. Family seemed quiet on the matter, but I somehow suspect they guessed we were not worthy to be temple married. Everyone seemed to settle for our decision.

I then continued at BYU for another year until I realized that I needed another ecclesiastical endorsement to continue the next year. Certain that I would hold true to the remaining things I had, foremost being my morals, I knew I could not lie to the Bishop. I had not attended my Ward meetings since my discovery—it seemed a bit pointless. I know that meeting together to worship is not just to glorify God and learn new doctrines, it is also to enjoy the social benefit of making friends who share your faith. Sometimes I think many Mormons meet almost solely due to the social benefit (or to avoid the social repercussions of not going).

Both Sarah and I realized we needed religion, but we were not about to just jump on board the next church to come along. So we spent some time in the Bible. We tried attending a Seventh Day Adventist church, but it seemed they were more focused on who was going to hell for not worshipping on Saturday instead of Sunday. It didn’t take us long to decide they were a bit too close to Mormonism.

Finally, we met a man who has made it his mission in life to share Christianity with reforming Mormons — Luke Wilson. His organization’s web site as well as his in person discussions with us (when he flew out from Michigan) were more than enough help to finish the job. I had always held on to the teachings of Jesus, even when I threw the teachings of Joseph Smith to the wind (Which are more important?). Both Sarah and I were born again into Christianity — true monotheistic Christianity.

Since that time, we tried for a while to have our names removed from the LDS Church records, but decided it to be much to big of a hassle and, for us, nothing more than a clerical error anyhow. We still live in a very high percentage LDS population. We still have some family that are LDS. Fortunately, we have each other and our relationship grows stronger all the time because of our new faith.

Family took things rather hard at first, but have softened to the idea that we are strong in our conviction of Jesus and his gospel. At times, things are difficult when LDS bullying (teaming up of LDS coworkers to explain just why their religion is flawlessly correct) at work takes its toll. But I just go home, talk to my wife, and together we go on.

In closing, I would like to leave a final thought for the reader. It’s alright to continue in the tradition of placing a label on me and moving on. It's okay to keep a closed mind to anything objectively written about the LDS Church and seek out only the faith promoting, warm fuzzy brethren sanctioned literature, even if that requires turning to fiction like the Legacy movie or the umteenth volume of The Work and the Glory. Just remember that after you die it's too late to investigate those serious questions kept buried in the back of a curious mind. It will also be too late to heed the admonition of Jesus: "Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God." John 3:3 (KJV)

— Gary

DAVID'S STORY - FORMER LDS MISSIONARY AND BYU GRADUATE

2006-04-16T23:43:00.001+01:00

A Former LDS Missionary and BYU Graduate

I left the LDS church in September 1985. I had been LDS for 12 years, having been baptized into the church in August 1973.

There were really two kinds of reasons that I left the LDS church: personal and intellectual.

Personally, I was a failure as an LDS. The LDS church teaches that people ought to share that they know that the LDS church is true. They call this obtaining and sharing one's testimony. Although I had asked God hundreds and perhaps a few thousand times, during my 12 years as an LDS, whether or not the LDS church were true, I did not know it was true. Presumably, on an LDS understanding of these facts, there was something wrong with me spiritually. I was spiritually deaf for some reason, perhaps to due wilful or accidental sin. Or, I was refusing to hear and obey God.

Prior to and during my mission for the LDS church, a friend of mine named Brad Thompson, made wonderful prophecies about what I was to do for God as a missionary. These prophecies were not fulfilled, other than one instance of fulfillment of a sentence that I would be hated.

During my mission for the LDS church, there were some times that I said that I knew that the LDS church was true, but I felt I was lying to make such statements. I made them, partly because I had been taught it was my duty to so testify, and partly because some LDS somewhat persuaded me that I did know the LDS church was true, but I was not fully aware that I knew it.

After my mission ended in March 1981, I felt very badly about my relationship with God. I was defeated and confused. I wondered if I had failed God, or if — perish the thought — God had failed me, or if, I had somehow misunderstood what God was saying through Brad, or if, God was not speaking at all. Emotionally I was lost.

Around this time, LDS church services ceased to draw me. According to the gospel of John, at one point Jesus says, "No man comes to me, except the Father draw him." As a predestinationist, I believe that God gives people a nature such that they are bound to seek and find Jesus. God draws people to Jesus, by making them hungry for Him. However, even those who do not believe in calvinism, when they read and consider this verse, acknowledge that God is behind the scenes, orchestrating events, to bring some people to His Son. God may frustrate human desires or plans of some men, so that those who are frustrated can only find their satisfaction in Him and through Him.

Humanly speaking, God sometimes extract from us a decision to walk with God, by casting us into the belly of a great sea fish. The belly of the fish for me, was 1) I did not know that the LDS church was true; And 2) I was emotionally and intellectually at a lost for understanding the failure of Brad Thompson's prophesies about my mission.

At this point, in the spring of 1981 I had been LDS for nearly eight years. Now, LDS church services ceased to "draw" me. Intellectually, due to my wide reading, I generally knew more than the teachers. Spiritually, I did not feel to worship God. Rather, I prayed that I would either know God or die. Moreover, LDS church services did little or nothing to helping me solve the two personal problems I have described above.

I stopped attending LDS church services for about a month, and then a "priesthood leader" threatened me, on God's behalf, about my nonattendance. Not wishing to irritate or offend God any more than whatever was causing my deafness and confusion, I continued to attend LDS church. Generally, I brought a book from the library or bookstore and read it during church.
At this time, though, I assumed that the "problems" I had were my fault, and did not lie in Mormonism itself. I believed that Mormonism was true, but assumed that I was somehow spiritually deaf or not hearing from God.

In 1983 I graduated from BYU with a degree in history. I returned to Seattle and worked for a time as a canvasser for a construction company. As I began to knock doors in South King County, I found that one person every few days came to their door with a clear smile and joy. After asking about their home, I would also ask, "You seem awfully happy. Is there any particular reason why?" In each case, they said they were happy because they knew God.

At this time, I was not looking for another church. I had no intention or plan of leaving the LDS church. I was not expecting spiritual answers to come from anywhere other than from God to me. I did want to be happy, though. I knew I was not happy and I could see that these people were happy. I learned that all of these people went to one particular church, called Community Chapel.

After different invitations, I began to visit the Chapel worship services. After several visits, I began to visit/attend regularly. I found that I liked the church. People were loving and kind and prayed for me. They hugged me and knew their Bibles enough to answer questions that I had. Although I was not a member, I gradually became a "permanent visitor."

For the next year and a half, I attended both the LDS church and this Chapel. (The Chapel had services three times a week.) I attended LDS church on Sunday mornings or afternoons, and the Chapel on Friday and Sunday evenings.

It was very peculiar that this would happen. Although I believed in Mormonism, I attended this other church for six to eight hours a week. However, I felt that my spiritual life, and my life as a whole, was ruined. Here were people who loved God and seemed to be having experiences with God. It seemed that God was answering their prayers — and He was not mine! — and they were warm, loving, friendly and accepted me even though I was "still" LDS. My life seemed ruined and frustrated; why not give eight hours a week to be with people who loved God and me?

As I attended the Chapel, I found that I was learning the Bible much more. As I learned the Bible better, the wider the gulf was becoming between what I understood from the Bible and what the LDS church taught.

At the Chapel, I learned that a person could trust God for forgiveness immediately upon repentance. In contrast, one LDS "prophet" had written, "It is unthinkable that God would forgive serious sins upon a few requests. He is likely to wait until there has been long-sustained repentance …"

The LDS prophet Spencer Kimball taught that forgiveness must be earned by arduous effort: "spend the balance of your lives trying to live the commandments of the Lord, so he can eventually pardon you and cleanse you," (Miracle of Forgiveness, p. 200).

As I learned more of the Bible from the Chapel people, I realized that forgiveness did not depend in any way on the number of requests or the length of time of "repentance." The publican went home justified, Jesus says. Forgiveness did not depend on fasting enough, suffering enough and praying enough, as Spencer Kimball had said it did. Moreover, I also learned that, in church history, the debate over this kind of question had already been fought (and won) under Martin Luther and the Protestant Reformation.

If Spencer Kimball really were God's prophet, why was he teaching contrary to the Bible about forgiveness of sins?

Why was he resurrecting a long-dead doctrine of forgiveness by time and/or prayer and/or fastings and/or suffering?

As I learned more and more of the Bible, less and less could I believe Mormonism.

How did I leave the LDS Church?

God drafted me and He enforced the draft!

—David Zaitzeff

SANDRA'S TESTIMONY - BORN AND RAISED IN THE MORMON CHURCH

2006-04-16T23:37:00.002+01:00

Born and Raised in the LDS Church, the Book of Abraham Controversy Helped Open Her Eyes to the Deception of Mormonism

I was born and raised in the church ("born-in-the-covenant") in a small town in Utah. My family has been members from 5-7 generations on all sides. My grandfather was a bodyguard to Joseph Smith at one time. He was also in the Mormon Battalion.

I held positions in the church from the time I was 16. I have been a secretary in organizations, spiritual living and social relations teacher in Relief Society, Beehive teacher and President in the YW, taught primary, taught genealogy and worked in the stake genealogy library as a calling, been a PR rep. and other callings. At 26 I was married, 34 went to the temple and took out my endowments, and at 35 had a child. At 42 I held a temple recommend and was an active member of the church in good standing.

I had a friend and her husband who left the church. I was concerned and told them I loved them no matter what their choice. They asked if I wanted to know why. I said sure and went over and listened to them. My friend presented a lot of historical information from the Journal of Discourses. Most of it was not new to me but it was her.

The next day her husband told me about the same thing as I felt. He told me he left for another reason and would share it some time if I was interested. I said sure.
Later, knowing the kind of information I enjoyed reading, he told me he had a book about old scripture and would I like to read it. I said definitely. He said it showed the Book of Abraham was not true. I said that was okay, I would enjoy reading it.

After a couple of weeks he gave me the book to read: By His Own Hand Upon Papyri by Charles Larson. I started reading it that day, Monday. Thursday, I called the publisher and talked with him. As I talked to him and started hearing what I was really saying, I realized I was in denial. Saturday I went to the temple to pray about my feelings about the church. That afternoon I went over to my friends' house and asked them questions: Do you talk about the temple? Have you taken your temple garments off?, If the church is not true, then what is?, etc. My mind was swimming.

Sunday I went to church and sat with my son on my lap and the tears running down my face. It felt empty for me – the church, my feeling about it, everything about it. Monday a friend of this woman called and talked to me. We talked for 3 hours. She was an exmormon and Christian. I got up, took off my temple clothes and went shopping for regular underwear.
Later on I tried to go back to just see what it would feel like to be there and know it was not true. I could hear the Primary singing: "Follow the Prophet". I walked out and have never looked back.

The cost of leaving the church has been high. I am happier and free. However, I have also been disowned by my family. I lost my job over leaving. I spent 9 months in therapy and using anti-depressants because I ended up with post-traumatic shock syndrome with major depression. I lost my friends, my beliefs, my understanding of who I was and what I believed. I had to start over and re-evaluate ALL my beliefs and determine who I really was.

I am not sorry for one minute for leaving. If I had it to do over, I would do it again! I have come away knowing the church is not true. That by scholastic standards the Mormon church is a destructive cult, and I am better off without it!

–Sandra

WE WANTED TO BELIEVE THE CHURCH WAS TRUE

2006-04-16T22:17:00.001+01:00

My husband and I are LDS but hope to be officially informed soon that we have been removed from the rolls.

A brief background:

Although we had a lot of reservations about the factuality of what we were being taught when we were investigating the church last year, we were urged by the missionaries and our best friends - also Mormon - to just go on our feelings. We liked a lot of what the church emphasized - responsibility, good work ethic, family values. I believe now we deliberately chose to ignore a lot of the stuff that didn't make sense because the religion is so well-packaged and welcoming that we wanted to believe it was true. In October we were baptized into the LDS organization.

It wasn't long before we started to be concerned about some things that just couldn't be ignored - things you don't see until you're in it. For one thing, we both noticed that while there is a prohibition on caffeine, alcohol, and tobacco, the temple was full of some morbidly obese people who were walking heart-attacks. And I - pressed into a calling right away as a Primary teacher - was very put off by the slow-drip indoctrination given to the little ones to "follow the prophet." I told my husband it reminded me a lot of the way kids were urged to sing praises of Communist leaders. Creepy.

Finally I approached our branch president with some questions I was having and was told that the devil was making me question. He told me I didn't have a testimony (funny, he had told me a month earlier I had a strong testimony). I thanked him for his opinion but continued to press for an answer. He quickly took umbrage, particularly when during our conversation I had the unmitigated gall to refer to the prophet as a "guy". Actually, to say he took umbrage is putting it mildly. He got really unhinged. I asked him, "If the prophet isn't a guy, what is he? A god?" I never got an answer. I did get told that the devil was making me disrespectful. I was also told that I had too much pride, as if being curious breeds the unfortunate side-effect of self-esteem. I finally told him we didn't believe in deifying leaders and ended the conversation by adding that if he couldn't answer questions without evasiveness and personal attacks then he must not have too much faith himself.

After that conversation, a lot fell into place for me and my husband. The emphasis on family has a dark underbelly; if a person values family they will easily buy the spiritual blackmail of being told that unless they obey church rules to the letter then they will lose those precious relationships for all eternity. The emphasis on hard work and personal responsibility also plays in the church's favor. People who are working their hearts out in various callings are less likely to take the time to question. Those same people who work hard at their jobs and following the church rule of tithing are contributing to the coffers that fund all those opulent (and dare I say tacky) temples. Since our initial questioning began, we've found out other troublesome teachings, such as this nonsense that blacks carry their skin color as a "curse" for the misfortune of having an ancestor (Cain) who allied himself with the devil. What nonsense.

My husband and I talked a good deal before requesting to have our names removed from the rolls. We are sure that when this is done we will lose our long-standing friendship with a couple we hold very dear. As "True Believers" (in mormonism), I'm sure they will choose their faith over our friendship and cut ties. The thought of this was so upsetting that we even discussed staying in the church but being inactive, but then we decided that to do that would be to forsake our conscience. Given the church's stance on blacks, it would be like belonging to the KKK but not attending the meetings. So we've contacted our branch president who has promised to get our names removed from church rolls, although he did give us the standard, "You'll-lose-all-your-blessings-if-you-do-this," speech. I told him we'd take our chances.

— V. R.

LDS EXIT LETTER AFTER CONVERSION TO TRUE CHRISTIANITY

2006-04-16T21:30:00.001+01:00

Dear Sir,

This letter is to confirm that I do wish to have my name taken off any and all rolls and registers regarding my membership and any past affiliation regarding the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS).

Unlike most people, my decision is an easy one. During the time I was a member of the LDS, I have been witness to, and a victim of, human behavior at its basest form. I will give several examples.

When I first joined, it seemed that I had finally found a church, even though I still knew very little about LDS doctrine. Everyone was very friendly, and welcomed me with open arms. Little did I know that the smiles were false, and that the friendly atmosphere was used to conceal a more cynical purpose: to check out someone’s “worthiness.”

Now, according to the New Testament, Jesus the Christ states that the only way we can come to His Father was through Him. Acknowledge that Jesus is your Personal Savior, acknowledge that you are a sinner, confess with your mouth that you are a sinner, and you will be saved. Of course, you have to try not to sin anymore and mean it as well. According to the LDS, “worthiness” depends on the size of the person’s wallet, because how else can its “unpaid ministry” live?

According to what I was told when a member of the LDS, I had to be married and have several children, because the church was about “families and homes.” Gee, I really wanted to get married, but poverty stood in the way. I wanted a real job, not the crummy part-time and temporary ones I was currently holding. And yet, what did your “church” do? Nothing. Jesus the Christ, in his ministry, would have done something, yet your “church” stood by while I starved. The Elder’s Quorum president, stated that, “It says in my Bible that some people’s lives are supposed to be hard,” and then made sure that mine was. I was also told by a high priest, “No, can’t help you, now go out and get married.” Oh yeah, right. I’ll just do that. Sieg heil! I did not, at any time, ask your ward for a handout. Just a job, so I could pick myself up. You people had job contacts, which you bragged about, and yet sat there and did nothing. Nothing. The only thing I was "worthy" of in your eyes was starvation.

Eventually I moved to another state, and got married to an LDS woman who seemed honest, but who was just as big a liar. A selfish woman who wanted her own career, and who believed that a husband was a personal servant, and who, being a typical LDS, did nothing for no one except herself. When she wanted a separation, I came down with pneumonia. The only “aid” she gave me was to let me lie in her bed while she slept somewhere else. She could care less if I lived or died, she brought me nothing to eat or drink.

During those two weeks I slept in a fetal position, so wracked with pain I was from hunger, and too weak physically to go downstairs and to get anything for myself. The great Mormon “family.” It turns out that, during the time I was ill, she was having phone sex with another priesthood holder. She finally shoved me out while I was still weak and ill, to drive nearly 1,000 miles to my mother’s. I left nearly all of my possessions behind, including my three cats. My youngest, Beauregard, would later be murdered by a child with a “good, strong missionary's handshake.” My estranged wife, from the time of the separation to the divorce, committed adultery six times. Six times. Going to boot her out, and think she’s unworthy? No, because she had children, and was a good tithe payer.

During the time I was in this other ward, I found out about LDS “dogma,” and what a lie it is. Jesus Christ and Satan brothers? I don’t think so. Not in my Bible. And no, God is not a righteous man from the planet Kolob. He is the God of Isaac and Abraham, the One True God, creator of the universe, and all the stars and planets therein. There is no "Mrs. God," no pre-mortal. And no, we can’t be gods. That was Satan’s line from the Bible. Satan, your one true god. He, and that professional bum Hinckley, a man who never worked at a real job in his life.
When I went back to my then-estranged wife’s to pick up a few things and to start moving everything to storage, she put me on a bed which turned out to be torture for my bad back (she knew it, too).

I had to leave early, and on getting back I found out I had a pinched nerve. Again, what did your “church” do? Did you drive me to emergency, or to the pharmacy? Again, I was not “worthy,” so again I was supposed to suffer, in pain so severe that sleep was a luxury. So, instead of the “true” church taking me to the hospital, some friends of my Mother’s did, friends who are Baptists. That’s right, the evil Baptists whom your “true” church hates. They took me to emergency and waited the two hours there, and then they took me to the pharmacy and then home, with no thought of reward. Again, the “true” church had a chance to redeem itself, and again blew it.

According to Mormon “beliefs,” those who leave the “true” church are supposed to do poorly, and their families are supposed to have a multi-generational curse. Let’s see now. In 2002, Microsoft had an intense, two-day class in its bid to capture the Internet programming market, Visual Studio. Only 5,000 programmers from around the country were invited to this, meeting in classes in different parts of the country.

It’s supposed to be a high honor. Guess who got invited and who went? The invitation went out to a lot of organizations, so I was shocked when I received one. Shocked, because a) I was an IT student at the time, b) because I was not a heavy Microsoft user. One person, whom I told about my incredible good fortune, asked me those very questions His response? “Maybe it was God.” And you know, I think it was. Since I left your clutches, I have reaffirmed my relationship with the One True God. And good things just keep happening. Last year, after 16 years of reverse discrimination and six years of LDS roadblocks, I finally earned my BSIT. Two months later, I entered graduate school, my goal is a Master’s in Business Administration. Unlike you people, who would take it and apply for the first high-paying job, my goal is to teach part-time at some university.

I’ve got a ton of experience in the accounting field, and I want to pass along my hard-won business experience. I have two small businesses, one where I create Web sites, another where I work as a portfolio manager. I am also respected by my peers in my classes, not because of any past affiliation with the "true" church, but because of the knowledge I possess, and am more than willing to share. I’m really raking in the bucks, quite a bit which I give away to legitimate charities, and some to street people who ask. And yet, as much as I give away, I get it back, and then some.

I still pray and read my Bible daily, or try to. But regarding your work of fiction, created out of rags, I ignore, as I do your “church.” Only God judges, and decides who is worthy to enter His House. Decisions that are God's alone. Not yours.

DAVID McCARMENT - FORMERLY LDS

2006-04-16T18:40:00.000+01:00

A WAY WHICH SEEMETH RIGHT:
My Experience in Mormonism

by David A. McCament, Formerly LDS

Testimony Hyperlinks
I. Setting the Stage -
II. Converting -
III. Later-day Life -
IV. The Unexpected -
V. Beneath the Surface -
VI. Looking in Utah -
VII. Surrendering -
VIII. No Reason to Doubt -
IX. Cost of the Cross -
X. Conclusion in Christ

Of all the faithful members of the Church I have ever met, I never thought I'd be one of those seemingly faithless few who leave it. But I did. I did because of God. I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on December 27, 1970, at the age of sixteen. On November 1, 1983, nearly thirteen years later, I sat before a Church High Council and requested that my name be officially removed from its records. Some members claimed I never really believed in the Church or had a testimony of my former faith. Once I did. I once believed with all my heart that the Church was true. No religion seemed so right.

But God showed me differently. This is my testimony, the story of what great things Jesus Christ has done in my life. I want to share how faithful God is and what He has done for me personally. I'd also like to include those scriptures found in the Bible which convinced me to trust in Jesus Christ alone for my salvation and in His Word for finding truth. I. Setting the Stage My experience in Mormonism began indirectly, over a simple misunderstanding of sacred scripture many years before I knew anything about the LDS Church.

My parents at that time were nominal Christians and did not attend a church themselves, but they encouraged my older brother and I to worship wherever we wished. When I was about seven years old we were invited by some school friends to visit a Baptist church nearby. My attraction to Mormonism actually began there. After several visits to Sunday School I recall the teacher one day sharing with our class how to be saved. It involved receiving Jesus Christ as my Savior. Our pastor had previously mentioned in the church service that we were all sinners and destined for hell without accepting Christ and asking His forgiveness for our sins. I loved God and wanted to be forgiven so I followed her directions as she led us in prayer, inviting Jesus into my heart. I expected to feel wonderful being saved and the fear of going to hell gone, but when the prayer was over, I sat in my chair alarmed and ashamed. I didn't feel any different. While others in the class were expressing great joy after receiving Jesus, I felt hopelessly lost.

I wondered if I said the prayer right or if I was sincere or even good enough to be saved.
I confided secretly to my teacher after class how I felt. She acted surprised, almost alarmed. Although she prayed for me to feel assured, I could be not be convinced of my salvation. My feelings led me to believe I was still unforgiven and unsaved. I spent the next ten years visiting different churches and listening to what everyone was saying about God and how to be saved. I listened to Gospel radio programs on Sunday mornings while washing the breakfast dishes.

I would feel uncertain and anxious each time I'd hear a pastor ask if their listeners were certain of their eternal destiny. I even went to a Billy Graham Crusade with my grandparents but had no feeling assuring me I was saved, no matter how many times I asked Jesus to be my Savior. My heart was longing to understand about God and salvation. There was so much I couldn't figure out. I dabbled with playing Ouija and certain ESP games but these led to little more than alienating me further from God.

I conjured up in my mind what God must look like and what His attitude towards me might be. I sometimes felt like God was indifferent and unconcerned about my salvation, yet there were other times I was certain I only needed the right person with the truth to tell me exactly what was required to be saved. I listened with interest to anyone who claimed to have an answer. Thus, when I was offered an opportunity to hear the message of Mormonism, I was immediately interested.

II. Converting

Mormonism's opportunity presented itself during my junior year in high school. A boy sitting next to me in class mentioned to another student that he was a priest in the Mormon Church. I was surprised a boy his age could be ordained. When I expressed an interest in what he believed, he asked if I would like the missionaries from his church to talk to me. I was delighted and accepted his offer. A pair of visitors came to my home a few weeks later. They introduced themselves as Elder Baker and Elder Fogg, missionaries from the Mormon Church. I thought it strange they both had the same first name.

Once the discussion got underway, they told me about Joseph Smith. They were convinced he was a modern prophet who had actually seen and spoken with God the Father and His Son. The personal testimony of Joseph Smith says he struggled with knowing which church was true at a very young age. The two missionaries, sharing his story, said he asked God during his vision which of all the churches he should join. His account of the matter says he was told by one of the Personages addressing him to join none of them, for all the Christian churches were corrupt and had fallen away from teaching the truth about God.

The elders claimed that no other church on earth had the proper authority to baptize nor perform any other act in God's name since the original church Christ established had collapsed. They declared that Joseph Smith was called by God to restore the true Church of Jesus Christ on earth, including the reinstatement of the priesthood that the original church of Christ once held and the installation of twelve new apostles. I was amazed to discover that my own preconceived ideas and images of God were very much like the physical descriptions and attributes as given by Joseph Smith. What's more, I could recall from some past conversation, the details of which were now vague, of God being able to talk to people personally. I don't know who told me this or why I believed it.

But when the missionaries related to me the rather unlikely story of God the Father and Jesus Christ coming in person to speak to Joseph Smith, I had no trouble believing it. It was like I was prepared for accepting Mormonism in advance. The elders were very confident and self-assured that what they were telling me was the truth. They assured me they knew the only way to salvation and that I could know it, too. They asked me if, once I became convinced in my heart that what they were saying was true, would I consider being baptized by someone from their church who held the priesthood authority to perform it? I answered, "Yes," without hesitating. My positive response completed their objective. My first lesson was over.

I watched the missionaries drive away. I was already eager for their return. Their message inspired in me a hope for my salvation I had never felt before. They appeared to have a thorough understanding of the Bible and were very confident in what they believed. It was like I was finally hearing, for the first time in my life, the truth about God and how to be saved. I was excited. The missionaries were back the following week. As the two men took their places on the sofa, I noticed Elder Baker was carrying another book along with his Bible. It was a blue paperback bearing the name, "The Book of Mormon." At my first sight of this book I felt strangely interested in it. There was a curious warmth and attraction about it that drew my immediate attention. I hoped they brought this book for me to read. Indeed they had. Before discussing the nature of their blue paperback the elders opened our lesson in prayer and then reviewed what we had discussed the previous week.

They emphasized the collapse of the early church and how God restored it to the earth again through their prophet, Joseph Smith. The subject of my baptism came up again, too. Having said all this, the missionaries were ready to introduce me to the blue book. This work had an unusual origin. The two Elders testified that an angel named Moroni directed Joseph Smith to recover a set of golden plates from the ground near his farm. These plates, written in Reformed Egyptian by Jewish descendants, contained a religious history of ancient American inhabitants who migrated from Palestine in Old Testament times. Joseph Smith claimed to have translated this record, naming it the Book of Mormon.

When he finished his work he returned the plates to the angel. The elders proudly pointed out many highlights of the Book of Mormon to me, including the most important event recorded in it: the account of the appearance of Jesus Christ after His resurrection to the Americas. This event, they said, was foretold by Jesus Himself in the Bible and stood as one of the most significant contributions of their new scriptures: a second scriptural witness of Jesus Christ. The missionaries believed this book was true because of the personal witness they both experienced. Their premise was based on a Book of Mormon verse that promises God would reveal the truthfulness of that book to anyone who asks in sincere prayer, the reference being Moroni 10:4-5.

The elders had me read this passage aloud: "And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things." This verse released a remarkable sensation in me. As the missionaries continued to share their own belief in the Book of Mormon and how they had come to know it was a true book of scripture, I was momentarily overwhelmed myself with a convincing sense of assurance that this book was indeed the Word of God.

My admiration for the blue paperback in my hands so preoccupied my mind that I unconsciously shut out all outside distractions, including the missionaries, to ponder the significance of it. My attention turned again to the missionaries. With great belief and sincerity, they each told me of their complete trust and assurance in the genuine divinity of the Book of Mormon. There seemed to be no doubt in the minds of either man that this book was exactly what Joseph Smith purported it to be. This was quite a story to believe in. But they did. They testified that they knew the Book of Mormon was a true record of scripture. They assured me I could know it, too, simply by asking God. To substantiate the truth of any ordinary historical record such a method would be too subjective.

But this was supposed to be scripture and the subject was spiritual. As oversimplified and subjective as it was, their method seemed correct to me. It made sense. Frankly, I didn't know enough about the Bible to compare their religion with Biblical teachings. I had only a sincere heart to offer and that's all their method required. In my innocence I was culpable, naive, and easily beguiled, completely unaware of several Biblical imperatives for discerning truth of this kind. Of course, I didn't see myself as a target for deception. I was an honest seeker of God's truth. And I was very sincere. In fact, I even believed the less I questioned the claims of the missionaries, the more faith in God I was displaying.

The elders suggested I try asking God right then. All of us knelt around the coffee table and bowed our heads. One of the elders began by praying for me that I might know the truthfulness of what they had shared. I followed his prayer and asked my Heavenly Father about the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith's claim to be a prophet of God. The feelings of warmth from within my heart I had experienced earlier when I saw the Book of Mormon in the elders' hands returned even stronger. I just knew inside what the missionaries had been telling me was true. I was so overwhelmed with joy and an unexplainable sense of inner peace that tears came to my eyes.

When my prayer concluded I lifted my head and looked at the elders. One of them responded, "Dave, what you are feeling is the Holy Ghost witnessing to you that the Church is true." I was transformed, completely convinced. I was certain the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was true. There was literally no doubt in my mind that Joseph Smith was a true prophet and that the Book of Mormon, together with the other standard works of the Church, were authentic scripture. There was nothing contrived or made up. And each time thereafter, when I asked God in the same manner, I got the same answer: the Church was true. It seemed so real, so right, to me.

To the observer, this method of discerning truth would appear self-authenticating. The missionaries had introduced Joseph Smith, who claimed to be a prophet of God by virtue of his vision of the Father and the Son. He said it was impossible to come to a knowledge of divine truth by making an appeal to the Bible. God had chosen him in the latter-days to restore the missing plain and precious truths taken from the Bible to the world again in the form of extra-Biblical revelations. Because he claimed to be a prophet of God he could attest to the truthfulness of his authority to act in God's name.

This would be circular reasoning indeed if it were not for the Book of Mormon promise that anyone questioning the claims of Joseph Smith had only to ask God in prayer to verify the story. How could one account for the supernatural feeling I just experienced? I didn't consciously invent it and Joseph Smith couldn't put it there. The missionaries identified it as the Holy Ghost. But was it? I decided to put my trust in this feeling.

By doing so I knew for myself that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was true beyond doubt. Although the elders offered various Bible verses as scriptural support and made profound assertions that the ancient ruins found in South America were built by "Book of Mormon" people, I believed in the Church and all it taught me mainly for one reason: each time I prayed and asked God to tell me the truth about the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith and the Church he founded, I got a favorable response - something I had searched for since my experience in the Baptist Church years before.

My conversion to Mormonism followed. On December 26, 1970, having completed all my missionary lessons, I was baptized. I was confirmed a member of the Church the following day. Like my high school friend who sent the missionaries, I was ordained to the priesthood. Following my first year of college I went to work to save up money for my mission. At twenty years of age I became a full time missionary and served in both in Holland and Montana. Soon after my final return home from my mission, divided and eventually shortened as it was by a recurring illness, I met a young LDS woman who had also converted to the Church years earlier. Five days from meeting her, after praying and receiving an answer from the Holy Ghost, I asked her to marry me. Eight months later we were married "for time and all eternity" in the Los Angeles Temple. Within six years three lovely children entered our little family. More than ever I believed the Church was true. I had everything. But most important of all to me, I had a testimony.

III. Latter-day Life

I loved being LDS! I was very satisfied as a Latter-day Saint and proud of my religion. I told nearly everyone I met about the Church. I was dedicated to my faith and zealous to defend it whenever someone attempted to find fault with the Church or Joseph Smith. My activity and zeal impressed my non-Mormon family members. My brother, who had accepted Jesus as his Savior when only ten years old, called me a "Mormon of Mormons." My experience in Mormonism was very positive at first. With lots of Church socials and activities for my wife and I to go to, we made many close LDS friends. I can't recall the number of times I laid my hands on the heads of those who were sick or in need of a blessing. I, too, had often been prayed for and healed. When I needed help the Church responded without hesitation. I have great admiration and many fond memories for the people in the Church I have known. I had a particularly special relationship with one of the bishops of my first ward. I became closer to him than with some members of my own family. He and I were more than friends. More, even, than father and son. I cannot explain it apart from the belief that we were members of the true Church and both holding the Priesthood of God. We shared many intimate aspects of our faith together. I learned to trust and admire his opinion. He helped to shape my belief in the Church and my view of God. I didn't win his approval the day I wore a Christian cross to a meeting at the Institute building where he was also the director. He pulled me aside and politely but firmly informed me that crosses were inappropriate attire for a Latter-day Saint. "It might offend someone here," he said. I humbly submitted to my bishop's request and pocketed my cross, never as a Mormon to wear one again. He was deeply disappointed when I came home early from my mission, attributing my illness to God's retribution for past sin in my life. Down in my heart I knew better. As much as I respected my bishop I couldn't agree with everything he said about God. He once told me I brought my Christian background with me when I joined the Church. With respect to my opinion of God's love and forgiveness maybe I had. This view I had of God's love allowed me to feel accepted by Him instead of assuming every trial in my life was the result of punishment for sin. I met many LDS people who did not. This was typified the time our house first flooded from heavy rainfall. I had a well-meaning but rather insensitive LDS friend come by to help me. As we stood in two feet of water he asked me, "Dave, what did you do wrong that God would punish you like this?" But there were more serious challenges to my faith than these, like the time Walter Martin came to town. Dr. Martin was a Christian apologist who spoke out against churches considered to be non-Christian. Mormonism was one of them. My non-Mormon brother challenged me to go and hear what would be said against my religion at one of Dr. Martin's local meetings. I had previously heard Dr. Martin on tape and was deeply offended by his attitude and lack of respect for what I held sacred. He even said things against the Church that I was certain couldn't be true. With the approval of our ward's new bishop, himself a recent convert to Mormonism, my wife and I headed off to hear what slander would be perpetrated against God's True Church and attempt to straighten out an obviously misinformed Martin. Dr. Martin spoke for over an hour, yet I didn't retain a thing he said. It didn't register, as if my ears and eyes were turned off. All I could think about was how far off he was from understanding what my religion was about and what Joseph Smith really taught. When he completed his portion of the meeting he turned the time over for a question-and-answer dialogue. I got up to the microphone and began defending the Church. Martin had several rebuttals to my comments but these didn't phase me. I continued until I sensed that Dr. Martin, and every Christian in the auditorium as well, were spiritually blind and couldn't understand the things of God. I was more convinced than ever that my Church was right after that meeting. My brother had also attended the Martin conference and recorded everything said that night, including my dialogue with Dr. Martin. He and other Christian members of my family were praying for me on a regular basis that I might recognize the difference between Mormon doctrine and the teachings of their faith. Having thoroughly studied the Bible themselves they concluded that Mormonism was wrong and were very concerned that I had embraced its theology. One afternoon in particular, while I was closing my garage door, I sensed my brother was praying for me at that very moment. I can't explain it; I just knew what he was doing. I was so upset I said out loud, "Chuck, stop praying for me! I will not leave the Church." Upon questioning him later, he admitted both he and his wife were praying heavily for me to see the errors in my religion. I resented my brother's interference. It was like spiritual persecution. Although my brother meant well, I couldn't help feeling like he and every other Christian had nothing better to do than attack my Church. Did I or any other Mormon I knew go around criticizing other religions? We were busy doing good, helping other members and carrying out our Church assignments. We weren't spending our time tearing down other churches. How often I would look at the other non-Mormon members of my family after this kind of "ridicule" and think to myself, "And they call themselves Christians?" I could not have been convinced then that my brother had any scriptural grounds for what he was doing. I was unaware of the Biblical command found in Jude 3, where all believers in Christ are exhorted to "contend earnestly for the faith which was once and for all delivered to the saints." I interpreted my brother's prayers and continual scriptural challenges as harassment, not as an act of love for me and not out of obedience to God. My pride was at stake, my religion threatened whenever he cornered me with some verse from the Bible. His may not have been the kindest approach but he was concerned and he was trying. I certainly didn't use the most sensitive approaches in sharing my faith with him. Recently he reminded me of the time I once slammed my bedroom door in his face when he saw me wearing my priesthood garments, instead of patiently explaining their sacredness to me. This kind of tension between us was counterproductive to truth. Worse, it often lead me to feel even more certain that my Church was true. Ironically, right when I felt my testimony of the Church was the strongest it had ever been, my brother and others in my family were the most aggressive in their efforts for God to reach me somehow and show me my Church was wrong.

IV. The Unexpected

In the past I would have laughed at my non-Mormon family's efforts to save me. Mine was a strong testimony of the divinity of the Restored Gospel. I knew the Church was true. No one by human reasoning could have convinced me otherwise. Looking back now I realize how I underestimated the effectiveness of my family's prayers in my behalf. I am certain God used their prayers to trigger a series of events which soon followed, challenging me to spend two and one half years researching the historical background of the Church, its leaders, and the scriptures it produced. These events began during my first year of teaching seminary, a high school course designed to familiarize LDS students with Mormon doctrine. In addition to Church-supplied materials, we would study from the four standard scriptural books the Church uses: the Bible, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price. My first year of teaching covered the Book of Mormon. As I prepared my seminary lessons I read this book more carefully than I had done before. I grew increasingly aware of anachronisms, Biblical plagiarism, and doctrinal contradictions. The more I considered the magnitude of the problems the more I became convinced of its dubious historicity. Down inside my heart, where no one but God could see, I secretly questioned the Book of Mormon's claim to be a sacred record of scripture. But because of my testimony - itself a divine manifestation of the genuine nature of the Book of Mormon - my suspicions seemed academic, irrelevant, and very unspiritual. I decided the Church had to be true or I would not have felt the way I did when I prayed about it. Doubt and suspicion were tools of Satan's device against the unfaithful; I knew better. Besides, I reasoned, if this Church wasn't true, which one was? Acting on faith in the Church alone, I accepted the opportunity to teach Seminary again the following year. In this second year our course of study for seminary covered the entire Old Testament. I read every Old Testament book that summer to prepare myself. It was an exciting course. I had never read the Bible through before so this experience was particularly delightful. I found the Old Testament refreshingly alive and rich, so detailed and inspiring. I knew without doubt it was the Word of God. I made a special effort to prayerfully study the Book of Isaiah. When I got to the 40th chapter and beyond, I noted how frequently Isaiah emphasized the existence of only one God. For example, Chapter 43, verse 10 reads, "Ye are My witnesses, saith the Lord, and My servant whom I have chosen, that ye may know and believe Me, and understand that I am He; before Me there was no God formed, neither shall there be after Me." Chapter 44, verse 8 reads, "Fear not, neither be afraid; have not I told thee from that time, and have declared it? Ye are even my witnesses. Is there a God beside Me? Yea, there is no God; I know not any." Isaiah's point got my attention: God is and has been God all by Himself; there is no other God besides Him. There will never be any other God "formed" or made after Him either. Isaiah was teaching something in direct conflict with a principal tenet of Mormonism called Eternal Progression, a doctrine introduced by Joseph Smith. He asserted that, just as God was once a man and had become a God Himself previously, we may also become Gods like Him by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel as understood in LDS terms. I made note of the conflict between Isaiah and Joseph Smith and set the matter aside for the time being. Before summer ended, I was invited to attend an Old Testament conference to help prepare seminary teachers for the courses outlined in the coming school year. A BYU Old Testament professor, who was also instrumental in the development of the Church's new LDS King James Bible, had been invited as a guest speaker. At the end of his lecture, time for questions and answers was offered. I felt this was the perfect opportunity to ask the professor to explain the Isaiah conflict. When my turn came for my question I read Isaiah 43:10 and asked the professor to comment on the apparent contradiction. He replied after a brief pause, "That's a good question. Does anyone have an answer?" A longer pause followed, with no response. The professor's only comment on the passage was, "You will often be asked some rather difficult questions by your students, so be prepared." That ended the discussion and my pursuit of the matter with the professor. I went on with teaching the Old Testament course that year and loved it. But in spite of the fact that my faith in the Bible had grown as a result, my testimony of Joseph Smith and the Church had declined. Minor problems that I had previously ignored surfaced, like having to swear in the Temple by my own life never to reveal the things I learned there. Didn't Jesus and the Apostle James warn never to swear at all but say only "yes" or "no" (Matthew 5:34; James 5:12)? Though these and other concerns were minor, I felt hypocritical telling people the Church was true and that Joseph Smith was a true prophet of God. I felt uncomfortable hearing other members share their testimonies in front of me as well. My reluctance to be involved in the Church forced me to share my fears and concerns with my wife and my bishop. I asked to be released from my position as seminary teacher, at the same time expressing my need to investigate the Church. Their reactions were different. My wife expressed great anxiety over the matter. She tried to help me by privately consulting experienced Church leaders. My Bishop was more understanding. He felt it best that I continue in some facet of church work while I examined my religion. I agreed and accepted his offer to be our ward's Webelos den leader while beginning an in-depth look into the writings and history of Mormonism.

V. Beneath the Surface

I began my study with the Book of Mormon, since it was the "keystone" of my faith and the foundation upon which all of Mormonism rests. At the outset of my reading I consulted secular sources of information primarily, but shortly thereafter, at the suggestion of my wife and those church leaders who followed my progress, I incorporated corresponding LDS Church publications in order to maintain a balance between the secular and religious opinions before me. I felt much like a detective attempting to track down every clue available. Over a period of several months, I read up on the latest information available concerning the history, culture and archeology of South and Central America. This data contrasted sharply with the supposed historical accounts and statements of the Book of Mormon. For example, there is no evidence that the language of the Jews was spoken by the ancients in America nor that they ever wrote in "Reformed Egyptian" hieroglyphics. No Book of Mormon city has ever been discovered; no Book of Mormon character can be historically identified. To date there is no tangible proof to credibly substantiate the existence of the civilization which produced the Book of Mormon. While some LDS scholars disagree, honest, empirical evidence does not exist to uphold the Book of Mormon as a historical document. While I was not surprised at what I learned I was deeply confused. I had prayed and asked God if the Book of Mormon was true. Without a doubt I felt in my heart it was, yet the findings of modern science disproved my testimony. Caught in a conflict between fact and faith, I was partially paralyzed. I had read for myself enough evidence to logically dispute the historical validity of the Book of Mormon, but did that make it non-scriptural? Was I beginning to question God by comparing my testimony with science? Whether I was or not, sound reasoning wouldn't allow me to accept the Church's method of praying about the matters of my religion alone to determine its truthfulness. In spite of the possible outcome I continued with my reading. The tension I experienced between fact and faith in the Book of Mormon was heightened after I completed a similar study of the Book of Abraham. This is another standard work of the Church, accepted every bit as scripture. I became interested in studying the book after reading several publications compiled by Jerald and Sandra Tanner, former Latter-day Saints living in Salt Lake City, Utah. The source of the Book of Abraham, according to Joseph Smith, originated with some Egyptian papyri which came into his possession. He claimed to have translated the papyri, which consisted of Egyptian hieroglyphics, by divine means. At that point in history little was known concerning hieroglyphic writing. His translation of these papyri became known and accepted as the Book of Abraham. Once considered lost, the papyri Joseph possessed were rediscovered and their contents providentially available for translation by modern scholars, unlike the gold plates of the Book of Mormon, which were retrieved by an angel, according to Joseph Smith's testimony. I found the modern translation of the papyri, conducted by qualified Egyptologists, very revealing. The artifacts possessed by Joseph Smith were actually part of an Egyptian funeral text known as the Book of the Dead, or Book of Breathings. While the papyri only date back to around the 1st century AD, the Book of Abraham itself purports to be written by Abraham's own hand, thus making the papyri approximately 2000 years older than they actually are. As translated by Joseph Smith, the Book of Abraham bears absolutely no resemblance to the papyri's actual meaning. To deal with this significant problem, some LDS scholars familiar with the Book of Abraham now claim that Joseph Smith did not translate the papyri at all but transmitted a cryptic, mnemonic message, hidden to uninspired readers of hieroglyphics. While I am not a scholar myself, I found that kind of reasoning evasive and unreasonable. Accompanying the writings themselves were several drawings which had significant ceremonial meaning within the context of the Book of the Dead but bore no relationship to the meaning Joseph Smith ascribed to them. I found pictures in library books with similar detail as the drawings in the Book of Abraham, with the accompanying explanations being completely different from the interpretations of Joseph Smith. Although I could not read hieroglyphics I could see for myself how incorrectly this book had been translated by comparing what qualified Egyptologists were saying the writings actually meant. It was indisputable proof that Joseph Smith did not obtain the Book of Abraham by translation as he said. I felt I had found significant, tangible evidence against the claims of the Church and Joseph Smith. I showed the various pictures relating to the Book to Abraham to my wife, hoping she might understand my concern and even become sympathetic to my undertaking. I was greatly mistaken. She looked directly at the evidence I presented her and exclaimed, "There's nothing wrong. I don't see what you're talking about." Whatever hope I held for easily winning my wife to my side looked unrealistic. It was, after all, my problem of doubt, not hers. She was hoping I would forget the whole matter and embrace the Church again. She had also thought through the reality of my leaving the Church and this was evidence to her that I was possibly nearing that decision. She gave me her ultimatum: if I chose to leave the LDS Church, she would leave me and take our children with her. I was thunderstruck. I pleaded with her to reconsider the position she was putting me in. I had joined the Church because I believed in my heart that what the Church claimed was true. My search for the truth was leading me to a different conclusion. But, though the attitude of my heart was no different now than when I had first accepted the message of Mormonism, it was of little comfort to her. She had married me as a faithful Mormon and Priesthood holder. By my leaving the Church I would be taking those special blessings away from her. This was her way of stopping me. Admittedly her threat seemed too drastic and unreal at first. I was confident she would someday understand and even support my decision. I tried to apologize for the unintentional hurt I was causing her but confessed I had to continue searching for the truth about the Church. Discretion suggested I change my study habits. I had openly read much of the research books in her presence but, from this point on, I kept most of my notes and research to myself. When I was ready to decide and face the possible consequences, I would tell her. Not before then. This seemed to lessen the outward feelings of anger and frustration between us but the inward feelings of fear that came with the threat of a family break-up gnawed at my heart. It was as though Satan was battling us from every side, trying to discourage me in my studies and divide my family. One night in particular I was awakened by my wife. She exclaimed, "There's a snake on the ceiling!" I jumped out of bed and looked up. I didn't see anything. We both laughed, thinking it was a dream. I have every reason to believe it was symbolic of something more; I would eventually see it myself. I had now come to a crucial study point: the history surrounding the rise of Mormonism and the life of Joseph Smith, the Prophet. I discovered right away that the historical setting of the early LDS Church I had been taught was neither complete nor accurate. I also found a direct correlation between the doctrines and practices of the LDS Church and what many people of Joseph Smith's day were either debating or practicing themselves, such as polygamy and the establishment of a perfect society. Even extra-Biblical revelations were common among other aspiring, self-proclaimed prophets of God. My objective in researching the biographical information available on Joseph Smith was to examine the "fruit" he bore as a Prophet of God, in accordance with the command of Jesus in Matthew 7:15-20. I found his lifestyle and his disregard for the authority of the Bible inconsistent with his claims. In his position as prophet he expressed no obligation to adhere to the Word of God, for his newer "revelations" took precedence whenever a conflict arose between his doctrines and the truths of the Bible. His premise was that the Bible had been intentionally tampered with by those responsible for copying its pages, thus altering God's true teaching. His position as a prophet of God entitled him to restore the missing elements of Biblical Scripture and correct its teaching, as prophetically "foretold" in the Book of Mormon (1 Nephi 13:34-40). By misuse of his prophetic calling and inserting his revelations as he saw fit, Joseph Smith attempted to convert the Bible to Mormonism. What troubled me most about his disregard for the Bible was his involvement with the occult. Using a seer stone like a crystal ball, he sought buried treasure and was later arrested as "Joseph Smith the Glass Looker." He condoned divination, he used enchantments, attempted communication with the dead and even wore a Jupiter talisman (a highly occultic object) at the time of his death. I found copious evidence directly linking Joseph Smith to occult beliefs and activities in spite of many clear Biblical warnings against such practices. Nothing disturbed me more about his life. It is a matter of history, though the Church has attempted to hide it in its records. I tried to share what I had discovered with my wife in a mistaken attempt to prove to her conclusively the Church was covering up the truth about Joseph Smith's involvement with the occult. She was very upset that I had brought books on occult practices into our house, yet Joseph Smith was practicing the very acts and rituals she was condemning. She would look no further. If she had she might have seen that Joseph Smith was not a true prophet of God by the fruit he bore.

VI. Looking

in Utah I became increasing doubtful of the Church. My ward's Bishop, sensing my feelings, came by one evening to my home with an LDS visitor from out of town. He was a Church leader, his exact position I don't recall. As they sat on my couch the Bishop explained that he had previously related my story to his visitor. Upon hearing it he desired to speak to me personally. His hope was to sincerely persuade me to reconsider my course. The visitor pointed out that my wife deserved to have me be faithful and active, honoring my priesthood, since she saved her virginity for the man she would marry. She did her part. And that man was, of course, expected to honor the Priesthood. That was the unspoken condition, the obligation, the "debt" that I owed her in return. My faithlessness was not satisfactory. It was selfishness on my part not to think of her and the Priesthood blessings I would be denying my family if I forsook the faith. I thanked him for his concern and the conversation drew to a close. My testimony of Joseph Smith and the Church was not a commodity to be bartered or manipulated by any means. My wife secretly arranged for me to visit my former Bishop, who had since moved to a town near Salt Lake City, Utah. Her hope in making these arrangements was that he would help me find "answers" to the contradictions that were causing me to question the truthfulness of the Church, thus keeping my failing testimony intact. I was grateful for this opportunity. I flew to Salt Lake and stayed with him for nearly a week. We began our discussion with a review of my findings, my questions and my areas of concern. He attempted to address some questions, and others he admitted had no direct answers. He called the archeological findings of scientists "profane" and said these findings could not be trusted when there was a conflict between archeology and LDS scripture. He pointed out that it could take an entire lifetime of studying archeology alone to understand the facts of history, as they relate to the Book of Mormon, to come to any conclusion. He said I had to accept the Church strictly on the grounds of spiritual faith and not be concerned about the conflicts between archeology and Church history, for the scientist or "natural man" could not understand the things of God. He concluded I couldn't come to know whether or not the Church was true by the research I was doing. His solution was spiritual: I needed to rely on the "burning in the bosom" experience I once had. The key for understanding the truth about the Church was that simple, at least for him. When I expressed the anxiety I felt over so many unanswered questions, he suggested I place these concerns and questions about the Church on an "intellectual shelf" in the back of my mind. By shelving these conflicts, I could remain a faithful member of the LDS Church, serving and teaching as in the past, while keeping an eye open for the answers I sought. He also offered his own testimony for me to stand on until I gained mine back, saying if I needed to, I could lean on his testimony and believe in the Church because he did. That didn't help except to buy some time. What I wanted was something more, something tangible, some kind of sound explanations. I was mostly getting spiritualized excuses. Sensing my frustration, the bishop tried a different approach. He cited the humble home out of which Jerald and Sandra Tanner operated their store as proof that God blesses those who remain faithful to their testimony but will not allow Church critics to prosper. He offered to drive me past the Tanner's place and see for myself the conditions these ex-LDS members were living under. I remained unconvinced, though admittedly I was tempted to see where the Tanner's bookstore was located. The bishop looked at me very seriously, studying my face. He replied, "Dave, if you had seen and experienced the things I have personally witnessed you would know the Church is true without a doubt." I had experienced many unusual, supernatural phenomena myself. I believe many Mormons do. But I didn't think it was right to put my trust in them, to accept them as "proof of truth". I asked the bishop if he had ever "tested the spirit", that is, if he had ever compared his own experiences with the Bible for truth as explained in 1 John 4:1. He questioned my interpretation, asking me if I really thought the verse meant to compare personal revelation from God with Scripture. I said I did. Before the end of my stay I made several visits to the library in the Headquarters of the Church, researching what Church leaders and scholars had to say about the Book of Abraham problem. Meanwhile, the bishop arranged for to me to meet personally with a General Authority, LeGrand Richards. After my introduction the bishop asked Elder Richards to address some of my concerns from his own perspective, specifically the aforementioned problem found with the Book of Abraham papyri and translation. Instead of addressing my concerns directly, the elder calmly explained that the Church had its critics but it also had its supporters in the outside world. He suggested I ignore the critics of the Church in favor of the majority who view the Church as good. His answer was so vague and nonspecific, I wondered if Elder Richards even knew of the problems which brought me to Salt Lake to solve. It was almost like he was innocently ignoring the issues and concerns raised by critics by spiritually discounting their implications. Problems like the Book of Abraham were of little concern from his perspective. His faith was centered in the feelings of his testimony, not in factual academics. I left his office unconvinced and without answers. As the end of my stay neared I came to no conclusion, only confusion. During the day prior to my return home, I separated myself from everyone and spent several hours alone in prayer. My soul hungered for making the right choice. I wanted desperately to discern whether or not the Church was true. Alone in a room overlooking the temple, I poured my heart out before the Lord. I told God I wanted only to please Him. I felt confused, alone and deeply afraid I would make a decision that would separate me from God forever. I had an awful sense of dread as though all Eternity rested on my shoulders. I thought of my wife, how hard she was trying to save me. I was fearful to leave the Church, knowing it could mean the breakup of my family. I cried bitterly as I knelt beside the window. Confused and exhausted after several hours, I left the building, passing by my friend's office. He asked what happened to make me look so shaken and miserable. I could hardly express the bitterness and turmoil within my soul. I avoided conversation with others as much as possible as I slipped outside. I walked aimlessly around, carrying the same dread from upstairs within my soul and feeling lost. I walked into one of the Visitor's Centers on Temple Square and found a quiet place to pray. I struggled with how the Church could be true in light of all that I had read concerning it. I didn't want to lose my family, but I struggled with how I could possibly believe in the Church after all I had learned. Maybe, as my wife once told me, I knew too much for my own good. I looked up at that moment and a display depicting the LDS plan of salvation caught my eye. As I read it, I was reminded of the early missionary lessons and the time I first believed in the Church. Suddenly, a peaceful calm rested in my heart like I felt when I had first prayed and asked God if what the missionaries were teaching me was true. I had a burning in my bosom again and the awful sense of dread began to lift. The Church must be true, I thought. I wept with joy as I returned to my friend's office and recounted my experiences with him. He was greatly relieved and excited for me, too. There was an anxiousness in his voice as he urged me to call my wife and tell her I would be coming home with the one answer I sought so hard: I knew the Church was true again. In that phone call I discovered she was excited too. Before retiring to bed that evening, I cried in humble appreciation to my Heavenly Father for answering my prayer. I had felt an answer. I had some direction. Yet, while in this attitude of prayer, I was again seized by an even deeper sense of dread. Though I tried I could not suppress the feeling that I had made a decision which would result in my separation from God for all eternity. I fell asleep only to awaken to it again in the morning. I thought I had done away with all the doubts and problems on the shelf in my mind but they returned, beckoning me to beware. Though my former Bishop was feeling sick that morning, I asked if he could give me a priesthood blessing. He rose forcefully out of bed in a magnificent self-determined manner to lay his hands on my head. He pronounced a protective blessing both on myself and on my family. He was too sick to accompany me to the airport, so his wife and one of their children took me. As I gazed out the window of the plane I recounted my experiences in Utah. How could I explain to my wife these feelings of dread after telling her I believed again? My situation seemed too overwhelming and hopeless. When I met my wife at the airport I attempted to hide my doubts, relying solely on my recollections of how wonderful I had felt the day before. My wife was overjoyed, to put it mildly. I felt such acceptance again, I was ashamed to even entertain the thought of confessing to her how I really felt. For the first week I shelved every hint of concern and just enjoyed the freshness and friendship my wife offered me as we revived our bruised relationship. Her relief to have me again as a believing Latter-day Saint gave her the confidence to confide in me one of her own secrets. She admitted she had seen the relationship between the Egyptian mummification pictures and the Book of Abraham facsimile I had previously pointed out. She didn't tell me then, fearing I might be even more persuaded to believe the Church was false if she had. A few days passed and I found myself confronted all over again by doubt, conflicts, and questions. The mental shelf my bishop suggested I store my problems on collapsed, sending fragments of doubt into every corner of my mind. I was deeply distressed and confused. What was I to put my trust in? Should I believe in the Church because I had a testimony and I felt in my heart it was true? Or was I to set my testimony aside, deny those feelings and accept my course of action based on facts alone? Could the bishop be right about my method of finding the truth taking a lifetime? And would even a lifetime of reading to find the truth guarantee me an answer?

VII. Surrendering

Things came to a head one Sunday while I attended a typical LDS Sacrament meeting with my wife and children. I don't recall why now, but for some reason we came to Church separately that day. From the pew where I sat I heard the same rhetoric from the pulpit, the same empty statements and testimonies about Joseph Smith being a prophet of God. I felt like a foreigner amidst a people who needed Jesus Christ. I walked out of the meeting and rode away on my motorcycle to the nearby mountains to be alone. I parked in an isolated area and headed off on foot with my Bible. I walked for a while beneath the wind-whistled pines and then knelt down. Mentally gathering my notes in one corner of my mind, my testimony in the other, I came before God again in prayer. I believed with my whole being that the answer about the Church would have to come from Him alone. I had grown tired of searching in vain. Whatever internal resistance I once had against accepting the truth from outside the Church was now gone. It was like some great barrier in my mind toppled. I didn't care who was right or wrong anymore. It didn't matter to me if it was Brigham Young or Billy Graham who told the truth. I wanted the turmoil in my soul to cease and to worship the Lord in truth so much I was willing to accept the truth from any source. Even the threat of divorce if I should leave the Church was not enough to stop me from being willing to accept whatever answer God gave me. I had never before realized how helpless I was without God. I had come to the conclusion that I couldn't find the answer I sought through the research I conducted. I was no longer satisfied with the pat answers I was getting from Church members. I was scared, tired, desperate, disillusioned, and completely surrendered. In this state of helplessness I began praying out loud. "What do you want me to do, Father? I've studied hard, I've learned of significant problems with my Church, but when I've prayed I have felt a warmth in my heart that I have always believed was the Holy Ghost telling me the Church was true. Now I don't know what to believe. Who is right, Lord? What church is the true Church of Jesus Christ? If it isn't my church, then which one is right? Where do I find the answers? Help me discover what is the truth." As I knelt there, waiting prayerfully upon the Lord, a gentle but persuasive calm came over me. I cannot explain it nor adequately describe the entire experience but somehow I heard the Lord speak to my spirit through a series of thoughts or impressions. "Dave, I love you," He assured me. "I know how hard you've looked for an answer about your church and what to do. You thought you could figure it out on your own. Now you realize you cannot. I've been waiting all this time to help you but you had to come to Me first, like you are right now, helpless and surrendered, before I could. What you hold in your hands contains the truth about the Church and what you are to believe. You must place all of your trust in Me and in My Word alone." I opened my eyes and stared at the Bible in my hands. I was beginning to sense what a paradox of truth my church testimony was. I had been trusting that this testimony in my heart was true, yet that very testimony I attributed to God also consisted of believing in a church which contradicted, criticized, and even denied the truthfulness of the Word of God. I had been trusting in my own feelings and understanding instead of trusting in God and His Word alone with all my heart. I had developed the wrong attitude toward the Bible, a mind-set that would not or could not accept the Word of God as authoritative or complete. I decided right then I would believe it by faith apart from feelings. As incredible as it sounds, the moment I made this conscious decision to trust the Bible, the heavy burden of doubt and doom I carried for so long was gone, giving me great relief, joy, and a sense of security. Then I got the picture. I actually had the answer all along in my possession, but pride and disbelief kept me from turning to the Word of God alone. Instead, I had been trusting in my own efforts or in my feelings to find the answer. It was so obvious now. The veil of doubt in His Word was gone! Tears filled my eyes as I thought of how merciful God is, that He didn't let me go on wondering what to believe or where to turn next. In His grace He empowered my faith in the Bible, obliterating the prejudice I developed against His Word. I thanked God from my heart for hearing and answering me as I knelt there, just enjoying His presence and peace.

VIII. No Reason to Doubt

I headed home with the responsibility and challenge of searching the Bible for the answers I sought. It would be years later before I felt I had really begun to uncover the great spiritual riches of the Bible. Of course, I am still in the process of discovering the endless nuggets of truth found in the Word of God and look forward to a lifetime of getting to know His Word better. What my Father in Heaven revealed to me through my prayer in the mountains was that I had a reliable source of truth to turn to. He illuminated the stone in my path I was tripping on. It was doubt in His Word, a pebble of prejudice subtly supplied by Satan himself. Before joining the Church I had no reason to doubt the Bible, but from the very beginning of my experience with Mormonism I was actually taught to doubt God's Word. For example, 1 Nephi, chapter 13, verses 23 through 29 of the Book of Mormon state that the Bible has been intentionally tampered with for the express purpose of leading men astray, causing them to stumble from finding the truth. This is completely contradictory to such passages from the Bible as John 16:1, where Jesus said He gave us His Word to keep us from going astray, and in 1 Peter 2:7,8, which states that men stumble out of disobedience to the message of truth concerning Jesus. Notice this wonderful passage from the Bible, found in 1 Peter 1:23-25. It promises that God's Word is eternal. "Being born again, not of corruptible seed, but of incorruptible, by the word of God, which liveth and abideth forever. For all flesh is like grass, and the glory of man like the flower of grass. The grass withereth, and its flower falleth away, but the word of the Lord endureth forever. And this is the word which by the gospel is preached unto you." Likewise, in Deuteronomy 29:29, the promise is given that what has been revealed to mankind belong to us and to our children forever. There's no place for "Bible prejudice" according to God's Word! I set aside science and Church-related materials in preparation to study the Word of God itself. From the Bible I learned it doesn't take a particular religion, but a personal relationship with the living God of the universe to save me. I had been looking for the true church. The Bible taught me to start looking to the true Christ. It isn't that I didn't believe in Jesus Christ or love Him as a Latter-day Saint, either. I did, deeply. But I loved Him as I understood Him to be, according to my LDS concept of Christ. There is an eternal difference between the two! I want to digress from my testimony for a moment and discuss these differences because I am often told by LDS people that, "We worship the same God," "We believe like other Christians," "There is no difference between Mormonism and Christianity!" But there is! For example, according to the Word of God, Jesus has been God the Son from eternity past. Psalm 90:2 says of Christ, "Even from everlasting to everlasting Thou art God." His eternal Godhood is declared in such verses as Micah 5:8, Habakkuk 1:12, and John 1:1-4. He is the God who inhabits eternity (Isaiah 57:15). He's God and He never changes - He's "the same yesterday, today, and forever" (Hebrews 13:8). As the great "I AM" of Exodus 3:14 and John 8:58, the Son is self-existent and not a created being. He has coexisted eternally and equally with the Father, and He set aside His position and glory in heaven to take upon Himself the form of a man (Phil. 2:5-11). He is not the product of Eternal Progression and divine evolution. I could continue with other differences but I believe these are the most important, for they reveal a difference in His Deity. Simply stated, Jesus is reduced to a finite being in Mormonism. He, once a man, was made a god. Such a difference in the nature of God is a sure sign of a false prophet, according to Deuteronomy 13:1-5. The message of the Gospel, the "Good News" of the New Testament, is different as well. The Bible declares that we have all sinned (Romans 3:23) and face eternal separation from God (Romans 6:23) unless we confess our sins and believe that Jesus died on the cross,in our place, to save us (Isaiah 53:3-6). His shed blood is the only payment required to cleanse us and make us right with God (2 Corinthians 5:14-21). We enter heaven and escape hell simply by accepting Jesus Christ as our Savior (John 5:24; Romans 10:9,10; Acts 16:30,31). We are saved (made right with God and allowed to enter His presence after death) by grace through our faith in Christ, not by works (Ephesians 2:8-10). We are then a part of the true Church: Christ's body (Ephesians 1:22,23; Colossians 1:18,24). How this Gospel of historic Christianity differs from Mormonism is shown in the following LDS illustration. I learned this illustration from my seminary lesson manual and taught it to my students. On the blackboard I drew a pit to represent where mankind had fallen as a result of sin. It suggested separation from God. To return again into His presence required a means of getting out of the pit of separation. Jesus Christ became that means. This much is Biblical. Here's the difference: Jesus' atonement, represented as a ladder in my illustration and lowered down into the pit, becomes only an opportunity afforded mankind to escape the result of sin. The work to be saved is up to the individual. Each step on the ladder represented the works to be performed by the individual to effect deliverance from the pit (salvation to the Christian; Exaltation to the LDS). In my illustration the first step on the ladder represented faith in God; the next represented repentance; the third was baptism; the forth, the receipt of the Holy Ghost by the laying-on of hands; the fifth was receipt of the Priesthood for men; the sixth was receiving the Endowment in the Temple; etc. This process of earning a right standing with God is summarized in the Book of Mormon, "...for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do." (2 Nephi 25:23) If I illustrated salvation according to Christianity there would be no ladder for man to climb up from the pit into the presence of God, for God Himself promises to lift that man or woman out (representing salvation to the Christian) who exercises enough faith to look up at the Son of Man (John 3:14,15). The effects of sin and spiritual death are completely overcome by trusting in Christ alone (Ephesians 2:1-7), not by works of righteousness (Titus 3:5-7; Ephesians 2:8-10). When I shared this Biblical truth on how to be saved with my wife, she replied it was "too easy" that way, too simple perhaps. The Apostle Paul explained in 2 Corinthians 11:3,4 that the way to be saved is simple unless someone corrupts it with false teaching: "But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve through his craftiness, so your minds should be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ. For if he that cometh preacheth another Jesus, whom we have not preached, or if ye receive another spirit, which ye have not received, or another gospel, which ye have not accepted, ye might well bear with him (put up with false teachings)." I found the "simplicity" that is in Christ has been replaced in LDS theology by a system of requirements and steps to accomplish our exaltation. Paul's warning points to Mormonism, for it introduces another Jesus (one who evolved to Godhood from manhood), another Gospel (not the "Good News" of salvation by faith in Christ alone but manmade laws and ordinances which Christ removed by His death on the cross-Colossians 2:14; Ephesians 2:15), and a false Spirit (one which can misguide someone sincerely asking God for truth by supernaturally imparting a "burning in the bosom" to them). I believe it is this last aspect of Mormonism which is the most dangerous and deceitful, for it is this false spirit which binds every believing Latter-day Saint to the Church and blinds them from understanding Biblical truth when it is presented to them: "But if our gospel be hidden it is hidden to them that are lost, in whom the god of this age hath blinded the minds of them who believe not, lest the light of the glorious gospel of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine unto them". 2 Corinthians 4:3,4 (Also see Isaiah 44:19,20). I encountered the effect of this spiritual blindness personally when I went to hear Dr. Martin many years ago. He spoke on the very issues I later researched myself, including the verses in Isaiah and the papyri problems of the Book of Abraham. After listening recently to the recording my brother made of that evening's conference I was amazed to discover I was right there when Dr. Martin addressed those issues and I didn't hear what he was saying then. It was like Satan had turned my mind off that night, veiling my ears from the truth. The key ingredient in my conversion to Mormonism was that spiritual sensation I experienced after my introduction and prayer concerning the Book of Mormon. The missionaries attributed the feeling which resulted as the witness of the Holy Ghost. I experienced that feeling often after joining the Church, especially during prayer. My former Bishop in Utah described his own personal experience with this witness or "burning in the bosom" as a tingling in his spine. He mentioned that he sometimes got a similar feeling while watching a particularly moving program on TV. I will never deny that I felt this convincing spirit telling me the Church was true. That spirit confused and bound me to the Church as long as I assumed it was from God. But the Bible says we are obligated to test whatever spirit is attempting to influence us before believing it: "Beloved, believe not every spirit, but test the spirits whether they are of God; because many false prophets are gone out into the world." 1 John 4:1. Isaiah wrote how to recognize a false spirit: "To the law and to the testimony; if they speak not according to this word, it is because there is no light in them." Isaiah 8:20. The Word of God is the standard! Whether it is a false spirit or prophet, the Bible is the instrument of comparison, the divine benchmark of God (for example, see Deuteronomy 13:1-5;18:20-22; Jeremiah 23:26-32). The discerning ability of the Bible is described in Hebrews 4:12: "For the Word of God is living, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart." And see what great qualities the Psalmist attributes to the Word of God in Psalm 119: It is eternal - verses 89, 90, 144, 152, 160. It is pure - verse 140. It instructs - verses 9, 11, 41, 42, 98-104, 130, 133. It spiritually illuminates the way before us - verse 105: "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." Best of all, Jesus said in John 17:17 that His Word is true. We don't need to look any further for what to put our trust in! When I realized this I discovered a real basis of truth to compare everything else to. Without doubt God worked a marvelous miracle in my life through His Word. He removed the false spirit blinding me, honoring my brother's prayer for me years before. I could make an eternal decision about the Church without wavering. What's more, I could know for myself with full assurance that I possessed eternal life by believing in what was written about Jesus: "And this is the testimony, that God has given to us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He that has the Son has life; he that does not have the Son of God does not have life. These things I have written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God, that you may know that you have eternal life and that you may believe on the name of the Son of God." (I John 5:11-13) The search for feelings to confirm my salvation was over; I had God's Word that I am saved!

IX. Cost of the Cross

Life for me would never be the same again. My testimony, instead of being based on how I felt in my heart from a burning bosom, was based on what God has promised in the Bible. I wasn't the same. And when I turned my life over to Jesus, I found I had turned away from Mormonism. God led me in a new direction, separating me automatically from my former faith. But this was a process. I didn't have all the answers to my questions, I just knew where to find them. As I studied the Bible and submitted my life in faith to Christ, there was great division in my home, too. Since the Bible declares in Hebrews chapter 7 that only Jesus, who alone has the power of an endless life, can hold the Melchizedek priesthood, I realized the Church doesn't have the priesthood authority it claims to act in God's name. I had been wearing the priesthood temple garments since I received my endowments in 1974 in the Los Angeles LDS Temple. They symbolized the priesthood covenants and promises I made there. I could no longer tolerate the deception they represented. At the very moment I took my garment off permanently something like a spiritual veil was taken away from my eyes, permitting me to see for the first time how decidedly wrong and deceptive the Church is. The effect on my family was immediate. My wife noticed I had removed the garment the moment she saw me. She was deeply hurt and angry. She knew I now believed in Christ in a different way, but did that mean I no longer believed in the Church as well? She pressed me hard to give her an answer concerning my feelings toward the Church. Although it was extremely difficult to say, I told her I no longer believed in the doctrines of the Church and could no longer wear my garment. I realized the Church wasn't true, and I would have to leave it. With deep disappointment and anguish, my wife demanded I leave home while she gave the matter thought. Uncertain what was best for my children and trying to please my wife, I moved out. I was heartbroken and overwhelmed. While the move was painful for us as adults, I believe it was worse for our children. They became the real casualties. I struggled hard with accepting my separation from them and the bitterness of feeling victimized and deceived by this Church that I had given my life to. But acceptance of the painful truth concerning the Church made my decision to officially notify the proper LDS authorities all the more imperative. I had been meeting with the former Patriarch of our stake in his home for the past two years or so. He had volunteered to monitor my progress when the matter of my apostasy was brought to the attention of the Stake President. He helped to assist me in maintaining a balance between outside studies and LDS publications. He was my religious counterweight, along with the Stake President and local leaders. The purpose of my final visit to his home was to announce to him my conclusions regarding the Church. He sat across from me, sadly staring into my eyes. He shook his head slowly and remarked, "I have failed, Dave. I feel I have lost you. I have lost the battle." I showed him the ladder illustration I had learned in seminary and compared it with the Biblical way of salvation. He said he was familiar with my explanation and noted that if I felt the way I did about the Church the best thing I could do is leave it. We parted as friends. Writing to the Church, I requested that my name be officially removed from the Church's records, an act once referred to as excommunication. My letter read as follows: To the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and all concerned Christians: Having been a member of the aforementioned L.D.S. church for nearly thirteen years, eleven of which were spent in full profession of that faith, and in general harmony in belief and behavior to the standards it prescribes, I now freely, willingly and by principals I consider sacred and true, ask that my membership be terminated and dissolved in the appropriate manner as constituted by that church. Such a desire and action as I request comes not out of personal offense by any member or action inflicted upon me, but by a sense of religious obligation in adhering to and in obedience with the true Gospel of Jesus Christ as defined and testified to in the Holy Bible. I humbly testify that I prayerfully submitted the past two years of my membership to the pursuit of establishing the validity of the church and the claims of Joseph Smith as Prophet, Seer and Revelator by such unbiased and empirical means as historical and archeological data, and by the greatest and most conclusive means as set forth in the Biblical accounts of Divine Revelation, and having objectively and spiritually weighed and considered all that pertained to this search for truth, I bear in most sober words and in the spirit of compassion and reason, that I found the church, its prophets and the doctrines, teachings and scriptures produced, to be erroneous, non-historical, and sadly contrary to the Biblical definitions of the nature of God, grace and salvation. In so stating my beliefs I am keenly aware of the sensitive feelings of many who are very dear to me. I ask forgiveness of those who may be subjected to hurt or offense by my position of faith. I pray that my action be understood as necessary in expressing, conveying and testifying to that which I most humbly claim as true. There are those members, including the Stake President, the Bishop, and close friends of the church, to whom I stand indebted for their attitude of loving concern and respect in behalf of my family and I. So sincerely has this love been exhibited, that I found it more difficult, though necessary still, to declare my beliefs openly regarding the church. As dedicated servants, I hold these people in high regard. I choose to complete this request and testimony with a personal admonition. We must all be reconciled to God our Father first and foremost and not to man. When placed under subjection to Biblical authority, prayer can be an effective means to begin the search for knowing God's Love and Truth. If we seek to establish His Kingdom of Righteousness above our personal will and desires, He will lead us to trust in Him, in His Holy Word and in His Son, Our Lord. Amen. October 17, 1983David A. McCament There would be a trial before a Church High Council, during which my case would be heard and a decision reached concerning my membership status. It would not be necessary for me to attend this trial, but I wished to publicly express my request and make certain everyone understood why I was leaving the Church. I could only pray my family would be restored in spite of my request. I was called into the Stake President's office for a brief report prior to the trial. After reviewing my letter the President asked me if I indeed no longer believed in the Church and wished to proceed with the trial. I said I did. As I was leaving the President said, "You have found fault with the Church and Joseph Smith. You've been critical of certain things and have now decided to leave your religion. I hope you will be just as critical of whatever church you decide to join next." I explained I wasn't leaving Mormonism to go join another church but that I was now simply believing in Jesus Christ alone for my salvation and no longer in an organized religion. Exasperated, the Stake President replied, "That's not fair. Who can find fault with Jesus Christ?" My thoughts exactly! I had moved in temporarily with my parents at this time. My trial of excommunication was scheduled for November 1, 1983. When my father learned I was going alone to the trial he was very concerned. I assured him there would only be a few men from the Church in attendance, and that the trial itself was strictly private. I also told him I didn't care if there would be a dozen men from the Church at the trial. In fact, the more men present would mean the more I'd have to share my testimony with. God honored that boastful statement I made: on the day I walked into the Church courtroom, there were fifteen men seated around a very large oval table. I was surprised and slightly overwhelmed. Fortunately, the men present were kind and sensitive. I was not ridiculed for my reasons for leaving the Church but there was some censorship in what I was permitted to say. I had prepared a message to deliver in my defense in which I quoted from the Book of Mormon why the Bible was supposedly untrustworthy. When I began to point out specifically why it was the Book of Mormon and not the Bible that would lead men astray I was cut short by the Stake President and kept from delivering the remainder of the message I had prepared. The President said, "You are the one on trial, not the Book of Mormon." He offered to read my letter requesting excommunication aloud to express my feelings instead. I agreed and he proceeded. When he finished reading it he asked me if I wished to make any additional observations I felt might be helpful that were not covered in my letter. I simply concluded that I did not consider it mere coincidence my trial was held the day after Halloween. I said, "I am leaving this church because it isn't what it claims to be; it's only masquerading as the true Church on earth. Behind its mask is a religion of falsehood and error. It cannot be the true church of Jesus Christ at all." While I made my point about the Church and my decision to leave it, I felt I didn't say enough about my faith in Jesus and how He was now my personal Lord and Savior. I felt somewhat inhibited and restrained in using the name of Jesus openly in front of these men. I later discovered the boldness I needed required more maturing in the Lord and lots of empowering by the Holy Spirit. Nevertheless my request for excommunication was graciously granted. As I left the courtroom each man shook my hand. Some welcomed me to return to the Church at any point in time I discovered the Church was really true after all; a few said they hoped I'd find what I was looking for out in the world. To them I was leaving my salvation and my comfortable little world of Mormonism and going off into oblivion. I understood their sentiments and appreciated their kindnesses. What I was unable to express to them was the personal assurance of salvation I now possessed in Christ. I had the eternal life they needed. The attractiveness of Mormonism was over for me, subdued by the power of the Holy Spirit using God's Word. I now knew the truth and it had indeed set me free. I could only pray that these men would find the Lord, too. The Bishop of my ward met me outside the door of the High Council office. Like my father, he wasn't allowed to actually be in on the proceedings. He had come to be there for me in case I needed someone, some support. He hugged me and I felt accepted by him despite my decision. Before I left, the Stake President called me alone into his office. As we sat the president wasted no time in pointing out the gracious position the Church took in my leaving and how nicely I had been treated during my membership. In his opinion I needed to leave the Church quietly and not go around telling everyone about the faults of the Church and what happened to me. He said, "Dave, I admonish you to let the door close quietly behind you."

X. Conclusion

in Christ The drive back to my parents' home from the trial was filled with praise for God. There was no doubt in my mind that I made the right decision but I still missed being with my wife and kids. The loneliness I felt being without them compelled me to really listen to God and seek His peace and comfort from the Scriptures. My brother met with me couple of days later and strengthened me greatly in the Lord. I listened to Christian tapes and radio broadcasts as often as possible for encouragement. God used many sources of comfort. One night, while I lay half-asleep in bed there in my parents' home, an image of a coiled, green snake appeared over me, similar to the one my wife had once seen overhead. Like watching a movie before my eyes, the snake was about to strike me when suddenly a large rock came from out of nowhere and smashed the serpent. As I watched, the rock transformed itself into a book, then gradually vanished. As I stirred myself from sleep I realized what I had seen. The snake represented Satan and the rock the Word of God. It was symbolic of Jesus' supremacy over Satan and the great work accomplished by His Word for me and all who trust in Him. I knew God was protecting me and watching out for my well-being. As Christmas-time approached my wife consented to my coming home. On the surface things looked good, even hopeful, that we might save our marriage. It wasn't exactly ideal, however. I had to walk on eggshells when it came to discussing my faith in Christ; my wife even insisted that I not pray out loud for the sake of the children as I might confuse them. She was obviously concerned, perhaps threatened, by my decision to leave the Church. It wasn't long and I began feeling spiritually censored. I tried attending Church with my family and was told by local Church leaders that I was not to verbally participate in discussions at Church; I was to listen only. I was even lectured from the pulpit by a well-meaning member as she bore her testimony publicly. I found I could no longer fellowship there with my family and friends. We had nothing religiously in common. One day I came home to find an old letter out on the dining room table; it was from some long time LDS friends of ours. As I read it I discovered these friends had strongly admonished my wife to leave me and take the kids away if I ever decided to leave the Church. After a few months had passed, while I was at work, my wife's bishop came to see me. He looked concerned and asked me to sit down. Very compassionately he explained my wife had filed divorce. She was simply unable to accept my new belief and walk with the Lord. I shouldn't have been so surprised or shocked but the news the bishop brought overwhelmed me. We had just celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary the night before and everything seemed fine, like it was going to work out after all. I sat in my chair and wept miserably. I was deeply distressed at the division of my family. When I sought reconciliation it was refused. I felt great bitterness towards the Church at first for not discouraging the divorce. Even the President of our Stake, the man who headed my excommunication trial, admitted he could not see how our marriage would work since we both believed so strongly in our separate faiths. Though I wrote many letters to the LDS Church headquarters in Salt Lake requesting that my children not be baptized into the Church until they were each eighteen years of age and capable of making that decision on their own as adults, the Church ultimately permitted my wife to do so. Except the kindness shown me by my wife's bishop I received no encouragement at all from this Church, which publicly claims family first and emphasizes the important role of the father as head of the household. Admittedly, in the midst of my loneliness, I had my days of doubt. I wanted my wife and family back. I actually wondered if I did the right thing in leaving the Church. I woke up one morning to my radio alarm playing LDS Church hymns and I nearly came apart. I was living with my grandmother then and she listened with great compassion to my confusion. She prayed earnestly for me. The results were wonderfully effective. Christians whom God had brought into my life would call or visit me and share the very Biblical truths and insights I needed to help me cope. I could feel the comfort and support of many people praying for me. And for the first time in my life I began receiving great solace from the Book of Psalms. My favorite became Psalm 27:14, "Trust in the LORD: be of good courage, and He will strengthen thine heart; wait, I say, on the LORD." I am certain I could not have made the change from Mormonism to Christianity on my own. I needed God more than I can say now. I was beginning to feel like I was getting back on my feet again when another blow came. I had since moved out on my own when someone in the Church began a false rumor about me personally. I was devastated by this. The rumor caused such a stir that the Stake President called me into his office and threatened my job security. Local Church leaders even interrogated an elderly LDS friend of mine after I had visited her. She told me afterwards that she had been called into an office at Church to be questioned concerning the nature of my visit with her. Late one evening, after I had gone to bed, a very close LDS friend of mine came to the home where I was boarding and accused me of lying in public about the Church. He threatened me with a priesthood curse if I continued. I was intimidated by his attack and anger. It seemed like everything in my world was turned upside-down and the people and things I had once relied on for comfort were gone. I had no idea the price to be paid for becoming a Christian was so great. Next I lost my job. Upon hearing the news my former wife looked me in the eyes and asked rhetorically, "Okay, Christian, where's your God now?" I may not have known a lot of theology then but I did know enough about the God I worship to reply in love, "He hasn't gone anywhere. He's still on the throne and in control." I said this in faith and I was right! I discovered my trials had a purpose. God used those lonely moments when I felt so rejected and abandoned to teach me I was never without Jesus. He promised in Hebrews 13:5 that He will never leave us nor forsake us. I found this to be so true in my life. I was gradually being molded, shaped, and refined. My trials were teaching me to trust God in everything. In December of 1983 I had visited one of several, local Christian churches where the Word of God is proclaimed. Following the divorce I returned. Although the process was slow, I gradually gained an entirely new family of church friends and discovered a new life-style of living in Christ. God was supplying the spiritual and emotional healing I needed. This was His handiwork; I found the answer I had sought and The Life I needed. It was all in Christ. The Lord in His grace has blessed me beyond all I could ever ask for or imagine. Several years after the divorce I met and married a Godly, wonderful woman in Christ. She has been a constant source of assurance, comfort, and companionship. I am completely fulfilled in Jesus Christ. He has proven Himself faithful to me in every situation. I am prayerfully trusting God to save my former wife and my children according to His will. I have confidence that His love for them will prove victorious. In closing, I admonish every Latter-day Saint to carefully consider the source of their testimony. If it is the Holy Ghost bearing witness in your bosom then be honest and ask yourself why are there so many doctrines of Mormonism in disagreement with the Bible? Why was Joseph Smith heavily involved with the occult at the same time he professed to be a prophet of God? How could the Bible now be incomplete when Jesus said in Matthew 24:35 that His words would never "pass away"? Why the attack by Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon on the Bible in the first place? Was Jesus right or wrong in saying that the gates of hell would not prevail against the church? The necessity of a Restored Church and modern revelation is at stake. How can you know what to believe in? It all depends on whether you take God at His Word or Joseph Smith at his. If you are LDS and convinced the Church is true, I urge you to reconsider for Biblical reasons. Ponder the meaning of this verse from Proverbs 14:12: "There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death." I was once certain the Church was true - that it was the "way which seemeth right." You too may believe with every fiber of your heart that the Church is true and that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God but the Bible warns you that your heart can be easily deceived, a deception leading to death: "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?" (Jeremiah 17:9) "He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool, but whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered." (Proverbs 28:26) "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5) "He feedeth on ashes; a deceived heart hath turned him aside, that he cannot deliver his soul, nor say, Is there not a lie in my right hand?" (Isaiah 44:20) Please don't let the lying spirit of Mormonism deceive your heart and keep you from recognizing the truth. Stop trusting in your feelings and start trusting in the Lord with all your heart. You do not hold the Aaronic and Melchizedek priesthoods of the Bible, but you don't need them to work the works of God: you need to believe in Jesus (John 6:28,29). You don't need to have your Temple Endowments and years of active Church service to make you righteous before God. You can't; those things won't help. Seriously consider what Jesus did for everyone who puts their trust in Him: He "blotted out the handwriting of ordinances that was against us, and took it out of the way, nailing it to His cross"(Colossians 2:14); "For God made Him, who knew no sin, to be sin for us, that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him." (2 Corinthians 5:21) This is the work of God. This is what the Bible teaches, "...that ye might believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God; and that believing ye might have life through His name." (John 20:31) This is the account of what great things God has done for me and what He has promised me through faith in Him. This is my testimony. May it be yours, too, I pray in Jesus' name and for His glory. Amen. -Dave McCament

"And now, brethren, I commend you to God, and to the word of His grace, which is able to build you up, and to give you an inheritance among all them who are sanctified." (Acts 20:32)

Email David McCament formerlyLDS@yahoo.com

WHY WE LEFT MORMONISM

2006-04-16T18:38:00.000+01:00

Excerpts from The Changing World of Mormonism

by Jerald and Sandra Tanner

The Mormon Church, which professes to teach the true way of salvation, teaches many things that are not compatible with the teachings of Christ.
Mormon leaders have made the tragic mistake of pointing their people toward a church instead of toward the Saviour.
They claim that their church is the only true church and that all others are false and have no authority.
This tends to make the people more concerned about the organization than about their relationship with Christ. Mormonism teaches that shortly after the death of Christ, the whole Christian world fell into a state of apostasy.

In the Bible, however, Jesus said ". . . upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it" (Matt. 16:18). Orson Pratt [early Mormon apostle] did not seem to believe the words of Jesus for he claimed: "Jesus . . . established his kingdom on the earth. . . . the kingdoms of this world made war against the kingdom of God, established eighteen centuries ago, and they prevailed against it, and the kingdom ceased to exist" (Journal of Discourses, vol. 13, page 125). ". . . the former-day kingdom no where exists on the earth, but has been prevailed against and overcome, and nothing is left but man-made churches and governments . . ." (Pamphlets by Orson Pratt, p. 116). Apostle Pratt's words are in direct contradiction to Jesus' statement that "the gates of hell shall not prevail" against His Church. While it is true that there was a great apostasy throughout the Christian world, there is no evidence that there was ever a time when there were not true Christians upon the earth. In John 1:12 we read: "But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name." We believe that in all ages some people have believed in Jesus and have "become the sons of God," and these people were members of His Church.

Although at times the numbers may have been small, Jesus promised that "where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them" (Matt. 18:20).

Statement by Jerald Tanner.

I was born and raised in the Mormon Church, and before I was eight years old I felt that it was the only true church. I remember being told that a certain man who was excommunicated from the church was possessed with the devil. I can recall walking past this man's house and being afraid of him because I firmly believed that he was possessed of the devil.

I believed that a person would almost have to be possessed of the devil to leave "the true church."
My conviction was so strong that I was shocked to hear a boy in Sunday school say that he didn't know for certain that the church was true. I felt that it was strange indeed for a person to be a member of the Mormon church and yet not know it was the only true church. I believed very strongly that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and that I belonged to the only true church. When I was about eighteen years old I had to face reality. I can remember that the first time I saw David Whitmer's pamphlet, An Address to All Believers in Christ, I threw it down in disgust.

After throwing it down, however, I began to think that perhaps that was not the right way to face the problem. If David Whitmer was wrong in his criticism of Joseph Smith, surely I could prove him wrong. So I picked up the pamphlet and read it through. I found that I could not prove David Whitmer wrong, and that the revelations Joseph Smith gave had been changed.

I later went to Independence, Missouri, and saw a copy of the original Book of Commandments, which confirmed David Whitmer's statement that the revelations had been changed. Since that time I have found more and more proof that the church in which I was raised is in error. The most important thing that I found, however, was not that the church was in error, but that I myself was in error. I found that I was a sinner in need of a Saviour.
The Mormon church had taught me good morals, but they had not taught me much concerning the power of Christ that could change my life. There was much talk about Joseph Smith, but very little talk about Christ. Consequently, I began to think I had the power within myself to overcome sin. I didn't see how much I needed the help of God to overcome it.

So I turned from one sin to another until I was deeply in bondage to sin. I found no help in the Mormon church; they were too busy preaching about the glory of the church, Joseph Smith, etc. They were too busy singing "praise to the man who communed with Jehovah" and "We thank thee O God for a prophet" to tell me about the Saviour I needed so badly. They were too busy talking about missions, tithing, the welfare plan, etc., to talk about the Christ. Consequently, there was almost nothing in the services that could give life and peace to my dying soul. Perhaps I should mention, however, that there was one thing that really touched my heart, and that was when we sang the song, "Oh, It Is Wonderful!" by Charles H. Gabriel.

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me;
I tremble to know that for me He was crucified—
That for me, a sinner, He suffered, He bled, and died.
Oh, it is wonderful that He should care for me!
Enough to die for me! Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!
I marvel that He would descend from His throne divine,
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine;
That He should extend His great love unto such as I;
Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.

When we sang this song my heart burned within me. I have since learned, however, that even this song was borrowed from the Protestant faith. But regardless of where it came from, it touched me very deeply.

It made me think of my Saviour and the great debt I owed to Him. If there had been more songs like this in the Mormon church and if Christ had been preached instead of Joseph Smith, I would, perhaps, have received Christ into my life in the Mormon church.

As it was, however, I was nineteen years old before I heard the true message of Christ preached, and that was in another church. A short time later, I received Christ into my life and found peace, joy, and deliverance from sin. As the Apostle Paul expressed it: "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature; old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new" (2 Cor. 5:17). Jerald Tanner

Statement by Sandra Tanner.

Since I was born and raised in the Mormon church, and am a great-great-grandchild of Brigham Young, I had very strong ties to the Mormon faith. I was about seventeen before I ever attended another church. As a teenager my life centered around the Mormon church.

Because I was active and paying my tithing I thought I was in pretty good standing with God. I knew I sinned but I felt my activity in church would somehow outweigh what I did wrong. I believed (as the Mormons teach) that I was inherently good. I had no fear of God's judgment.

Besides the things that were wrong in my own life, I began to have doubts about my church. Could it really be the only true church? Was polygamy really right? Why couldn't the Negro hold the priesthood? Was temple marriage really so important? Why were its rites kept such a secret? Did God actually command Mormons to wear special under-garments? I had many questions going through my mind. When I started college I enrolled in the Mormon Institute of Religion class. I started asking questions in class, trying to find answers to my doubts. But one day my institute teacher took me aside and told me to please stop asking questions in class.

There was a girl attending the class who was thinking of joining the church and I was disturbing her with my questions. What a surprise! I had hoped to find answers to the many things that were bothering me and now I had been silenced. Shortly after this I met Jerald and we began studying the Bible and Mormonism together. As we studied I began to see the contradictions between the Bible and the teaching of the Mormon church. I had grown up thinking that Brigham Young was one of the greatest men that ever lived. He was always presented to me as such a holy man—God's prophet, seer, and revelator.

Then Jerald had me read some of Brigham Young's sermons in the Journal of Discourses on blood atonement. I was shocked! I knew what Brigham Young was saying was wrong but I couldn't reconcile these sermons with the things I had always been taught concerning him.

I knew these were not the words of a prophet of God. Jerald also showed me the changes that had been made in Joseph Smith's revelations. The thought kept coming to me that if God had actually given those revelations to Joseph Smith why would they need rewriting? Surely the Creator of the universe could say it right the first time! As I studied I not only found errors in Mormonism, I also began to comprehend there was something wrong in my own life. As I studied God's Word I realized I was a sinful hypocrite.

In spite of my sins I had thought I was right with God. Yet the Bible says: "For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life, through Jesus Christ our Lord" (Romans 6:23). After Jerald and I were married we started visiting the different Protestant churches.

As I listened to the sermons I began to realize that God was not concerned with peoples' church affiliations, but with a personal relationship. Christ taught a way of love, not a religious system.

He stated: "By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another" (John 13:35). Paul taught that we should "walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us . . ." (Ephesians 5:2). God reaches out to man, not because he deserves it, but because God loves him. John wrote: "Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins" (1 John 4:10). Paul wrote: "But God, who is rich in mercy, . . . even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ . . . For by grace are ye save through faith; and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God: not of works, lest any man should boast" (Eph. 2:4, 5, 8, 9).

I now want to share with you the particular events of the day I surrendered my heart and life to Jesus Christ: Early one morning (October 24, 1959) I decided to listen to the radio for a while. I turned to the Christian radio station and listened to a sermon. The minister was preaching on the great love of God and the mercy offered to us through Jesus Christ. Nothing ever struck me with such force. I opened my heart to God and accepted Christ as my own personal Saviour.

The Holy Spirit flooded my soul with such joy that I wept for over an hour. After the sermon the station played this song written by Elton M. Roth—

I love the Christ who died on Calv'ry,
For He washed my sins away;
He put within my heart a melody,
And I know it's there to stay.
In my heart there rings a melody,
There rings a melody with heaven's harmony;
In my heart there rings a melody,
There rings a melody of love.

This song fully describes the way I felt. How glorious to know Christ died for my sins so I could have a new life in Him. Our lives testify to all we meet whether or not we are truly Christians. Paul wrote: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance; against such there is no law" (Gal. 5:22-23). Sandra Tanner

Today converts are swarming into the Mormon church, but very few of them really know much about Mormonism. We feel safe in saying that many of them are converted to the social program of the church rather than to its doctrines. Those who were born in the church in many cases "know" it is true but don't know why it is true. Many Mormons will stand up in testimony meeting and dogmatically assert that Joseph Smith was a prophet and that they belong to "the only true church," but very few of them check to make sure that their faith is based on reality. Many members of the Mormon church prefer to let their leaders do their thinking ("when our leaders speak, the thinking has been done"); it is so easy to let someone else do our thinking. The Bible warns: "Thus saith the Lord; Cursed be the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the Lord" (Jer. 17:5).

We sincerely hope and pray that the Mormon people will begin to awaken to the true message of Christ, realizing that in Him, and Him alone, can we have salvation—salvation that brings genuine deliverance from sin and real fellowship with the God who loved his elect enough to die them.

Sandra Tanner is the great great grand-daughter of Brigham Young.

you can vist their website packed full on information on mormonism at http://www.utlm.org/

MIKE SHERMAN - EX MORMON'S TESTIMONY

2006-04-16T18:34:00.002+01:00

THE TRUTH SET ME FREE

I grew up in Elfrida, AZ, coming from a long line of Mormons. Some of my ancestors from my grandmother’s side were with the handcart companies that traveled across the plains to the Utah Territory after Joseph Smith’s death. I remember Grandma talking about relatives living in polygamy in Mexico after the U.S. outlawed the practice in 1890. Needless to say, I’m related to a LOT of Mormons. I have to say that growing up in Mormonism was a difficult experience.

A mixed bag of confusion was constantly churning inside me. It was as if I had no identity to call mine because they told me how to do everything: eat, act, think, speak, and be. I equate Mormonism to living a lie; always trying to be something you’re not. Deep down you have a lot of unexpressed doubts, but don’t dare say anything or confide this to anybody or they look at you like you just landed from Mars and put all kinds of blame and guilt on you. It’s always your fault if you have any problems with Mormonism, never the church. I always felt something didn’t quite fit with what they were telling me.

A cousin of mine, Mrs. Stephenson, (I don’t call them “brother” or “sister” anymore) wife of the Bishop at that time, taught seminary early in the morning before high school started each day. There are certain things people say that stick to my memory like super glue, and one of the things she said was her patriarchal blessing stated that “Spencer W. Kimball would still be the prophet at the time of Jesus’ second coming.” Spencer’s been dead for a long time now, and Jesus didn’t come during Spencer's’ presidency. Turns out the patriarch must not have had all the discernment he claimed to have. I could give a lot of examples of this type of teaching, but this would turn into a book instead of a few pages meant to honor and uplift our Lord Jesus.

I give thanks He led me out of the clutches of Mormonism. God has given me a fresh new life and a fresh new wife, and she loves me unconditionally. I had known only conditional love until Karen entered my life, so this is quite a treat for me. I love my life now. In Elfrida I always had questions about the Mormon church, but was afraid to ask because if I asked they would raise the “red flag” to others that I was doubting the church, and then I would hear all the stock answers they are taught to give doubters. I heard things like “just read the Book of Mormon again and pray about it” and “Follow the prophet, he can’t lead you astray” or “When the prophet speaks, the thinking has been done.” Faced with a question they can’t reasonably answer, here comes the favorite fallback: THE MORMON TESTIMONY.

You’ve heard it, they all sound the same; “I testify to you I know the Book of Mormon is true, I know Joseph Smith was a Prophet of God, I know the Mormon Church is true.” This testimony is based on FEELINGS. Mormons trust feelings over facts.

If you’re having doubts about something, you should be able to ask questions, then make up your own mind whether the answers you hear are true. Anywhere I’ve been in life - school, the military, my work, or when talking to Pastors and other believers in Christ, they have always been happy to answer my questions. The Bible warns in 1 John 4:1, “…believe not every spirit, but TRY the spirits whether they are of God: Because many FALSE PROPHETS are gone out into the world.” Joseph Smith was a false prophet.

Deuteronomy 13:1-5 gives a test for a true prophet:
“If there arise among you a prophet, or a dreamer of dreams, and giveth thee a sign or a wonder,
And the sign or the wonder come to pass, whereof he spake unto thee, saying, Let us go after other gods, which thou hast not known, and let us serve them;
Thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams: for the LORD your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul.
Ye shall walk after the LORD your God, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him.
And that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams, shall be put to death; because he hath spoken to turn you away from the LORD your God, which brought you out of the land of Egypt, and redeemed you out of the house of bondage, to thrust thee out of the way which the LORD thy God commanded thee to walk in. So shalt thou put the evil away from the midst of thee.”

To get a look at Joseph Smiths’ false prophesies and a lot of other info about Mormons (with documentation from the Mormons own original documents), check out this very interesting web site: http://www.utlm.org/.

The truth always stands up to investigation. The Bible commands: “PROVE ALL THINGS; hold fast that which is good.” (1 Thessalonians 5:21). The faithful Bereans, “…SEARCHED THE SCRIPTURES daily, whether those things were so.” (Acts 17:11)

No amount of prayer, despite the degree of sincerity, will ever convince God to change his mind concerning matters on which he has already clearly spoken.

I got to a point in my life where I was angry at the Mormon Church for being so deceptive and was agnostic and didn’t want any contact with them. Wherever I went in the Army, they always contacted me and tried to get me to come back to church. Throughout the years I was amazed at how they found me at Fort Carson, CO, overseas at Germany and Fort Huachuca, AZ. Then I found out my Mom was sending them. Mystery solved!

I realized the only way to be free from the Mormon Church was to have my name removed. After I received my “freedom letter” as I call it, (notice of name removal) an incredible feeling of freedom washed over me and I felt like a trapped bird that was now free to fly. As found in John 8:32; “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” I know that the Mormon baptism I agreed to at the age of eight didn’t mean anything towards my salvation, but the main thing was I couldn’t stand them calling me one of theirs, and inflating the membership rolls because of “inactives” like me, so it was an important step for me. A short time after that I went to a Christian church and was saved and baptized Christian. I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything in the world! There’s nothing like freedom!

There’s an interesting article on cults by Robert McKay of UMI Ministries and it shows at least twelve signs of all cults:

1: Faulty interpretation of the Bible

2: Undermine the authority of the Bible

3: Their Gods are not the God of the Bible

4: Every cult has a conception of Jesus Christ that is contrary to his person and works as revealed in the Bible (the Jesus of the cults is not the Jesus of the
Bible)

5: Cults have what Paul called “another gospel” (2 Corinthians 11:14)

6: The head of the organization comes between God and man

7: A cult claims to answer all religious questions

8: A universal mark of a cult is its attack on Christianity

9: Another indication that a group is a cult is saying one thing in public and another in private (articles of faith)

10: Doctrines are subject to change. Almost nothing in Mormonism as it was originally founded is still taught today. (this is a big one because of over 4,000 changes in the Book of Mormon and numerous changes in their other “scriptures”)

11: False Prophesy. Don’t take my word about this; check it out for yourself.

12: The idea that the cult is the only group that God deals with. A cult feels that it is the only group authorized to act for God. (Mormon priesthood)

Also I agree with: “Mormonism has cloaked itself in respectability, gaining an image of family values and Christianity. All this is just a cover, though. Mormonism still maintains every one of its heretical doctrines under the guise of being Christian. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter -Day Saints is indeed a cult.”

The Mormons have it backwards when they compare things to their Book of Mormon and Doctrine & Covenants. The Bible was first, therefore test all things to the Bible and see if it’s true.

I know this for a fact: God's word never changes. Isaiah 40 verse 8 states: “The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God will stand forever.”

We are warned about preaching a different message that the Bible teaches in Galatians 1:8-9; “But though we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel unto you than that which we have preached unto you, let him be accursed. As we said before, so say I now again, If any man preach any other gospel unto you than that ye have received, let him be accursed.”

Another warning in Revelation 22:18-19, “For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book:
And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.”

Put this all together with the lack of archeological evidence that the Book of Mormon characters ever existed in North America and DNA evidence that proves the ancient people of North and South America migrated from Southeast Asia and not Israel and you see that Mormonism is a man-made religion. Further proof of this is in the web sites I listed plus one more,
http://www.exmormon.org/ where you can find some excellent articles, and one of my favorites under “what’s new” at that site, the Mormon history quiz. Have fun with that one!

Few join the Mormon Church because they have thoroughly investigated its teachings and found they agree with the Bible. In fact, it is doubtful that anyone has ever become a Mormon who first studied all the teachings of the church. Without Christ, the Mormon people - despite their sincerity, despite their dedication, despite their reputed good works, despite their missionary zeal, are doomed to an eternity separated from God, never able to enter His presence.

Today, I compare the Mormons to the Pharisees of Jesus’ time, they had set up all these rules, laws and regulations for them to follow, always being judgmental of them, and yet all the laws were impossible to follow. The Pharisees took away their hope. It’s not up to man to judge, only God can do that. Mormons claim their Bishops are a “judge in Israel.”

The bottom line here: Don’t put your trust in man, trust Jesus and he will never disappoint you. I give thanks I no longer have any doubts about that. We are saved only through Jesus, no amount of work or pious attitude will earn a place in heaven.

I hope this will be an encouragement to whoever needs to hear some good news; there’s hope for everyone.

Sincerely, Mike Sherman